Just the 2 of us

Which is better, which is worse or are they equally not a good place?

2011-07-11T18:12:00.006-04:00

So every day people are learning things that affect their futures. Some times they are life altering and sometimes they are just "ah ha" moments. Not everything we are told is for the good of our future or our families future. Sometimes you have plenty of time to take it all in and other times you have what seems like not enough time at all. Some things you can change and others are out of our hands and into the gods above to watch and do what is right (or is it truly right?).

A family member has been battling cancer for the past few years. Battle is an understatement. She has gone thru chemo in which it would "disappear" and back at the 6 month/12 month checkup for it to be determined the cancer is back. Going thru chemo to again have the same outcome, and again have it return. Again the trips back and forth to the hospital, the decision of what is the right process to go forward with, the side effects (having the energy being stolen from the body, hair loss, weight loss, etc), the ongoing family/friends watching this whole process without being able to do anything to change it. The children having to think what happens now? Having to think about watching their parent pass away or survive this whole ordeal. Family moving back home to be there, because you truly never know what today or tomorrow will bring.

A long time friend of the family was just diagnosed with cancer as his tumor erupted in his body, not even knowing that he had tumor or anything medically wrong with him. Going to the Dr for stomach pains, being sent to the hospital for appendix issues and sent immediately to Boston for what we all think was his appendix bursting. In due time, we are to find out that in reality it wasn't his appendix, it was the tumor. So now where to go from here?

In both cases there sadly is no good ending. Both have been informed there is nothing that can be done at this point. My cousin is given 6 months or so and the friend is given 3-4 months. Chemo isn't an option anymore for one as she has tried all possible avenues and the other has been told that chemo isn't going to help him.

Seriously, this is absolutely ridiculous. How can 1 person's life seem to be so meaningless that the Dr's are willing to just give up? How in this day is there no cure for cancer or no other possible options to fix them? How is this fair to them? Their families? Why is cancer just so horrible? Why do the good always have to get the bad in life, while the bad always seem to get the good in life? This just isn't fair!

My cousin and her 2 children have already had to face cancer and what it can do to a human being. 15 years ago they had to sit and watch my other cousin (the husband) battle cancer. They had to sit there and watch him become weak and lose the battle. Now those 2 same children have had to watch their mother battle this same disease to have it end the same, watch both parents battle this disease and watch aimlessly as it takes their lives. How is this fair to them?

The friend now has a wife and 16 year old to watch helplessly as cancer takes his life. How is this fair to them?

There is no real crystal ball to tell you what the future truly holds so you can change the direction if it isn't what you want in the end. If there were a crystal ball that could tell you your future years in advance, would you want to know? Is having 3+ years of a battle better then having the same ending as those who only have 4 months? Are they both not a good situation? Would you rather know years in advance or just a few months? Does the length of time make a difference in how you are to live those days?

Down the drain

2011-02-03T17:10:00.006-05:00

Have you ever had the feeling of running away? Grass is always greener on the other side? New place, fresh start? Well that has been my mind set lately...even though I am far from running away since it won't solve any problem that exists.
It is nice to think for a short second that walking away from the life that you know into a new life you can create would make any and all problems you are facing disappear. The sad realistic truth is that those problems will just find you at some point and you will have to face them all again.
I just have so much going on in my life right now that I am drained. I am emotionally, mentally and physically drained. I have no energy to fight any battle that is before me instead I just break down and cry. I cry because I feel helpless, I feel overwhelmed, I feel defeated, I feel as if my walls are caving in and I can't break out of the room.
I know that others out there are dealing with much more complex issues in life and that mine are minimal, but at this very moment all of mine added up are a little too heavy for me to carry on my shoulders. Unfortunately I have no place to turn or go, so I am stuck dealing with all the issues and trying to come up with solutions.
Between not knowing the stability or future of my job, to deciding the best choice for my son's education, how I am going to pay for things and be able to start to save for a place of my own, to the stress of living at my mothers house (which I am very grateful for her allowing us to be here), being a single parent (which has its benefits at times), dealing with friends moving away, etc. Every thing at one time adds up to a whole bunch of nothing and I am drained.
I feel like my life is slowly going down the drain and I can't find the stopper in the sink. I know that in time it will get better and I can start to fill the sink up again but right now it is hard to think positively.

So maybe running away is not the option. Maybe a vacation is the answer....but how does one take a vacation with no funding for it? No one to take care of your son? No vacation time at work? It doesn't happen! I continue to burn my wick at both ends until it meets in the middle and burns out.

Oh well I just need to keep reminding myself that I have been stressed to the max before and I got out of it. This won't be the last time I am given too much to handle, so pull up the boot straps and start trucking thru the junk.

Just don't understand why

2010-08-30T19:26:00.005-04:00

*****caution serious topic of conversation*****

I don't understand Suicide. I really just don't understand it. I know that people aren't thinking in a rational state of mind when contemplating this serious decision. I know that they aren't thinking about what others are feeling because they are too caught up in what they are feeling. I just don't understand how the thought of suicide even pops into someones head.

I recently had a friend, that I have known since elementary school, commit suicide and tonight was his wake/service. Saying goodbye to someone who was an amazing person so soon in life was hard. I may not have been close to him over the years, however it doesn't make him any less important. He now leaves behind a mother, father, brother, sister, 2 children and other family members who have to come to terms with why this happened. Was there something they could have done? Signs they missed showing he was going to do this? 2 sons who are going to grow up without a dad now. A best friend who will never get the image of that morning out of his head. Friends who will never get to laugh one last time.

I have had times of being really really down, where nothing seems like it is going to get better and they are just going to get worse. I have had my periods where I don't want to get out of bed, don't want to talk to ANYONE, don't want to eat, sleep or be awake. However, my son is what keeps me going each day. His love and life is worth way too much for me to give up on anything and take my own life. I can't imagine what his life would be like if I were to ever take my own life. What challenges would he face as he got older, dealing with the fact that I took my own life. I just can't imagine.

I know that no one will ever know why Doyle, or anyone, would take their own life. I know that the only person who will ever understand is the person who took their life. For what ever reason it happened, it did happen and there is no changing that. We can only hold the person in our thoughts and keep the memories alive by never forgetting them.

Doyle, where ever you are. I hope that you are no longer hurting and are at peace. I hope that you will continue to watch over your family and protect those 2 boys from up above. I hope that you have found Matt and the 2 of you are keeping each other company. You will be missed and never forgotten. You were one amazing person with the heart of gold and the ability to make everyone laugh.

RIP Doyle

Goodness Gracious

2010-03-30T19:17:00.004-04:00

It has been quite some time since I was last on here releasing my thoughts and man do I need to spend a good week getting everything out that is going on in my life right now but will hold back on a few things.

So my life seems to have been on a rollercoaster in the past few weeks and there doesn't seem to be an end to the ride anytime soon. I have had a tough couple of months at work with the layoffs we went thru to the resignation of my amazing boss and now many more changes are in sight. I honestly am scared at this point of what my future at my job holds, but only time will tell what happens and it will all be for a reason.

I don't talk too much about my sons father, because there really isn't much to say that is positive. I have had no contact with M for over a year and M has had no contact with little man for almost 2 years (all by his choice). All of a sudden I now have 3 messages between my home phone and work phone from M and all in the same day.....St. Patricks Day. A day that many, not only Irish folk, celebrate to the full extent and M is one of those people. Who knows if this was all done due to being inebriated or if it was out of the goodness of his heart, either way I am all set having my son be in an environment that contains lies, drugs, alcohol, anger and hatred.

Once I heard his voice on not only the house machine but my work machine my anxiety level jumped about 1000 times and I lost it. I just started thinking about the possibility of my child being hurt like I was, told lies, broken promises and in just an unheatly environment. My heart broke just thinking about the life that my son may have to face unwillingly. After many days of my mind not stopping, talking it thru with a variety of people and thinking about the circumstances I have decided to just go on with my life as normal and stay as honest as I have been with little man all along. I am confident in my decision and I understand that not everyone is going to understand or agree with the one(s) I have had to make.

Forward along a few days and another message appears on my house phone.....this time at 11:30 pm. M had called to let me know that his aunt J had a 5% chance of survival and was probably not going to make it the night. Immediate reaction was OH F#($ ME! The timing of anything like this happening couldn't be any worse and I just don't want any communication what so ever with this family (except Aunt J and Grammie) and Aunt J isn't going to make it. What do I do? How do I handle this? I don't want to ignore the situation and be the bad person. I don't want to associate with him or his family and deal with the heartache and grief I got away from. UGH!!! I picked up the phone and called M and luckily was able to leave a message on his voice mail saying I appreciate the phone call and I am sorry for what is going on, to please keep me updated some how. Now I start kicking myself for calling, but I did what I thought was right at the time. I eventually got a call at work later on that morning and he had no additional information....figures. I kept it strictly to Aunt J and got off the phone rather quickly so the conversation couldn't venture to other areas. I have since decided that it wouldn't be fair to myself to attend the services and that I will contact Grammie and extend my condolensces that way.

I haven't had much of an update on Aunt J and I also haven't called Grammie to see what was going on. I just don't know what to say to Grammie when I call. I don't know how to handle this.

Screaming at the top of my lungs

2010-03-06T09:46:00.009-05:00

I just have this urge to stand on the top of the tallest mountain and scream as loud as I can.....will that help get all of this out? Will that make me feel better? I am so burnt out lately. I have had such a nasty start to the year and I swear every week just throws more of a curve ball at me. I am tired. I am stressed. I am so unhappy. I am not liking myself right now.

In 2 months at work I have gone thru layoffs, loosing some long time coworkers (who after a while become family members or amazing friends), moving floors at work, gaining more responsibilities (some a making me feel like I am way over my head), and most recently having my amazing boss of 5 years resign (I am devastated). I am a mess, have no motivation to work while I am at the office and can see it taking over my personal life as well.

I feel like I haven't talked to anyone in forever. I haven't been blogging lately (not like I did it routinely to begin with) and I just don't feel like talking to people. I want to sleep all the time, but when it is time to sleep I can't.

Why do I have such a hard time trusting people? Why do I also allow my wall to come down so quickly and set myself up for failure? Time after time I for some reason put myself out there to get hurt, I just don't get why I do this knowing the outcome in the end.

Maybe I need to start being more selfish and cold just so I don't keep getting hurt letting people in my life. I just don't want to be an old miserable lonely person when I get older. I enjoy the company of others, I enjoy the variety of conversations I have with all the people in my life and I love meeting and getting to know new people. There are just so many positive reasons to not become cold and selfish, but the fact that I keep getting hurt is what doesn't help matters either.

My mind is constantly running right now and I just can't stand when this happens. There is nothing I can do to help it stop or even just slow down. I figured writting would help ease it a little and maybe jotting things down will be a relief. I think the worse part of being upset is that my child suffers. I don't give him my full attention and I am not happy so he senses that and it in turn makes his little innocent life not as happy as he should be.

"Any fool can criticize, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving."

What is self control? How do you learn self control? If I have character and self control will I be able to understand why people do things and forgive them? Will I be able to understand why I do things and forgive myself?

Why do I seem to sabotage any close relationship? I feel like I am always messing things up when they are going good. Why do I become scared and get in my defensive mood?

New Year, New Me!

2010-01-03T12:11:00.007-05:00

I am welcoming 2010 with Big HUGE wide open arms!

I am super excited that 2009 has ended and that a new year has begun. I gained a lot in 2009 and am very thankful for such an educational year, however 2010 is a new clean crisp year where I can take what I learned and grow more.

I am not the type of person who makes resolutions and doesn't follow thru on them...I just don't typically make resolutions so I don't fail. This year however, I have a few resolutions and am going to try my hardest to stick with them. Sticking with them is going to only better the future for myself and my son.

Shakira's song "Give it Up to Me" is my new favorite song. With the following lyrics, I am going to sing/listen to this every time I need to be reminded....

I want the best and the best things in life are free

You can have it all

Anything you want you can make it yours

Anything you want in the world

Give it up to me

Nothing too big or small

Anything you want you can make it yours

Anything you want in the world

Give it up to me

What you get is exactly what you give

Never really know until you try

We're so ahead of this

Got this she wolf appetite that keeps me up all night

You know the way it works don't be afraid to ask

Aim high when the target is low

FYI I am ready to go

They say that to be effective at your new years resolutions you need to take them in baby steps (i.e. walk 5 minutes each day and work up from there) and not set the goal too high. They also say writting them down helps people keep them as you are committed at that point to do it. So for 2010 my resolutions are:

Focus on me (this may sound selfish, but if I am not happy with myself than my life with others won't be a happy one)
Eat better (bring breakfast and lunch to work, eat healthier dinners and drink more water)
Excercise weekly (Atleast 4 times a week for atleast 30 minutes a day to start and build up from there)
Become better with finances (I need to focus more on my future and less on the non necessities in life. With this I will bring breakfast and lunch to work, stop shopping aimlessly and have a strict budget to follow. I need to do this for my future.)

All of these resolutions are crucial to my future and my happiness. I have forgotten about myself for so long and am just not comfortable with how I look and where I am in life. Following thru on my 4 resolutions will help me feel better in my own skin, make my future a better place and make my life a happier place to be in. I am truly motivated to do these steps and to keep up with them. I am motivated to make my life (and my sons) a better place and my (our) future an even better place.

Take a step back

2009-12-26T19:10:00.008-05:00

““Live your life as though there is great joy to be experienced......an abundance of goodness in each person you come in contact with, and the knowledge that you have enough inner wisdom to answer the mysteries thatchallenge you.”

~ Meladee McCarty

Every now and again I think everyone needs to take a step back and remember that what they have in life is a gift. I think people take things in life for granted far too much and fail to remember that others may not be as fortunate as them. I am not saying that I am perfect and that I am always right, because I too need to be reminded that I have many precious gifts that not all others have in life. I may not have my own home, I may not have all the new things in techonology out there, I may not have all the money in the world...but what I do have is my health, my son/family and my pride. I have a roof over my head. I have a job that brings in the money for the bills. I have food to put on the table. I have clothes to keep me warm. I have a child who I am oh so grateful for and can't imagine life without. I have far more than others have and am grateful for everything.

Recently there was an 18 year old male who was in the news. His name is Taylor aka Teddy and he was found dead one morning at the beginning of Dec. I am not a friend of the family, I honestly don't know them but this story was in the paper and for some reason it just hit home. This poor family just lost their child. They will no longer be able to talk to him, hear him, see him and taht is just rather sad to me. This family had the "rug pulled out from under them" that morning and how do you overcome such a tragedy?

Two years ago another families life was interuppted when their 8 year old passed due to a horrific accident at home. Jaiden feel off some snowy steps and into a working snowblower. Jaiden fought a good fight for 25 days but ended up succumbing to death. I, again, don't know this family either but was moved when I read the story 2 years ago and have followed the organization her family has put together in order to help others. How do you cotinue on when you have lost a child? How do you just go on with life?

I honestly can't imagine a day without my son. I can't imagine my life without him. I don't know if I would be able to go on if something were to ever happen to him. He is not only my son but he is my best friend. He is who makes my days go and who can ease my mind when it is troubled. My son is who helps me take a step back and remember that life isn't to complex and that things are a gift and not to take them for granted. Looking at life thru his eyes brings me back down and reminds me that life can be simple and easy, to take things minute by minute and along the way there are plenty of learning lessons.

"Don't take things for granted and hug your loved ones every chance you get"

~ Patrick Stump

Every year at work, I conduct an Operation Santa type of thing. We adopt families from a "non profit agency that is dedicated to helping victims and survivors of domestic and sexual violence". I take pride in helping familes during the holiday season have a brighter holiday and give them smiles that day. Coworkers are asked to either donate money (however much they are able to) or adopt a child. I collect the money and go shopping for all that were not adopted bt coworkers. Not only do I take pride in doing this, but I bring Camdon along with me to do shopping as a lesson that people aren't as fortunate as us and that is nice to help others. I don't want Camdon growing up not thinking of others and knowing that helping out and donating time, money or items is that right thing to do.

This year I also did the Thanksgiving food donation for the Nashua Soup Kitchen. I had boxes at the entraces of each seciton on my office for people to donate any can goods or non-perishable items they had to donate. I also collected money from those who didn't want to go to the grocery store. I took Camdon shopping with me, to teach him that not everyone has dinner on their table like we do, not everyone has food in their cabinets to eat like we do, not everyone is as fortunate as us. When Camdon gets older I plan on taking him with me to donate time once a month at the Soup Kitchen so that he can learn to not take everything for granted and be appreciative of everything he has.

Now a days it seems that kids are not being reminded that life is a gift and things are earned not just given to people. Kids now a days just expect that they will get the most up to date techonolgical advancements, they will get whatever they ask for and they won't hear the word NO from their parents. I was brought up by a single mom who taugh all of us that you get what you earn. Things were never handed to us on a silver platter and we had to do chores and work for the "finer" things in life. I do not want my child thinking that he should have everything and anything. I want him to learn that you need to work for things and that "toys" in life are not free. Things are expensive and everything costs something.

Isa 55:8: “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways”

Halloween 2009

2009-12-06T11:35:00.000-05:00

Super Cam!
Tinkerbelle, Witch, Super Cam, Bumblebee

3 Best Friends

What a heavy bag full of candy (mind you he ate maybe 3 things out of there and I just threw it away).

Tired boy from all that Trick or Treating!!!

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas....

2009-12-06T11:28:00.007-05:00

...even though it may not seem like it will be in less than 3 weeks. My shopping is done for Camdon, but I still have about 10 more people to buy for. Monday is not easy to come by right now...but I am doing what I have to do to make sure that Christmas will be fun for my little man and show him that it isn't all about presents but about being with the ones you love and grateful for what you do have in life. Yesterday into last night it snowed for the first, no wait make that the 2nd official time this season. The accumulation wasn't that bad to shovel and it wasn't too cold out, this is the type of snowfalls I like......just enough to cover the ground and look beautiful but not too much to make it a hassle to clean up from. Camdon is really into playing outside this year and was super excited that his boots from last year still fit this year so he could come outside and help me clean up the drive way and play in the snow.

Soda, Pop, Tonic, Fizzy Drinks

2009-10-11T12:38:00.010-04:00

Communication is a staple item in our every day activities. No matter where you are or what you are doing, there is some sort of communication. It could be verbal (English, Spanish, French, etc), sign language, code language, etc. The worlds you are using could be slang or proper, they could have an accent to someone and not to others. Depending on where you go, depends on how people say things. In New England we call "Coke" soda. In Pennsylvania they call it pop and in other parts of the US it is called tonic. Australia, amongst other places in the world, calls it fizzy drinks.

When we have children we are the ones that have to teach them how to act, how to say things, how to use things, etc. You hope and pray that you do an amazing job teaching them and that they pick things up without a single problem. I never would have guessed that my child at the age of 3 wasn't speaking at the level he should be, or so I thought. At Camdon's 3 year check up I was referred to take him to get a speech evaluation by his pediatrician. Because I like to be proactive and not reactive I decided why not go and see what they have to say. I would rather work on any problems now than to have to correct anything when he is in elementary school and having difficulties.

Tuesday, October 6th Camdon had his 2 hour speech evaluation. I was absolutely petrified to go, I just didn't want them to say his speech issue is due to my parenting (which I knew wasn't what they would say, but still you never want to hear your child's "issue" is due to your parenting). I was scared that Camdon wouldn't talk when we got there and he would just clam up and attach himself to my hip. Camdon did just the opposite, he was comfortable and cooperative for the most part. He did well during the evaluation and worked with the therapist. After spending a little over an hour there the therapist concluded that Camdon, who is 3 years 5 months, is speaking at a 3 year 11 month boy level. I was so relieved that he was speaking in an average rating and that he doesn't have to continue with speech therapy.

I received a copy of the evaluation in the mail yesterday and am pleased to read what she put in there and relieved that I have it all in writing. My child may not speak the clearest words right now, but for the most part you can understand him and each day I see improvements in his speech.

Planning isn't always the way to go

2009-10-06T21:13:00.005-04:00

Is your husband....(fill in the blank)?

Why is it that people always assume that if you have a child you are automatically married? I totally understand that the "proper" way to start a family is to get married, get a house and have children. Realistically it doesn't always happen like that. Life isn't always a fairy tale and things happen to make the "perfect" life not so "perfect".

I didn't plan my life to be the way it is. I did not plan on meeting a guy at a bar (which at first we didn't really like each other at all and only talked because our friends were interested in each other). I didn't plan on getting in a relationship ~~with what I thought was a great guy~~ with my son's father. I didn't plan on getting pregnant unexpectedly. I didn't plan on having to go thru my pregnancy alone ~~because my father's son was either "out with friends" or in jail towards the end~~. I did not plan on living the drama life I lived while with my son's father. I did not plan on being a single mom with no help whats so ever. I did not plan!

I may not have planned any of the things that happened to me in my life these past few years, but I would NOT change any of them for anything. I may not have planned any of these things BUT I did choose them in the end. I did choose to have a relationship ~~(not such a good one but I always held hope)~~. I did choose to keep MY baby when I found out I was pregnant. I did choose to stand by my son's father thru all the ~~cheating, lying, drugs, alcohol, jail, etc~~ heartache I was put thru. I did choose to ~~finally one day wake up~~ walk away from a situation that wasn't healthy for not only my life BUT most importantly MY sons life. I made the decision to do this parenting thing on my own!

I am not married! I am not embarrassed by the fact that I am doing this ALONE! I am not jealous of what "I don't have". I am not part of the perfect life, but my life is my life and I wouldn't have it any other way. I wouldn't be the person I am today if I didn't go thru the challenges I have faced. I would not appreciate my life and what I have as much as I do if I didn't have to struggle and work for all that I have.

My son is MY life. My son is a product of MY life. I am the one who has gone thru the ear infections, the colds, the long nights, the burned hands, the lack of sleep and all that comes with having a child. I am the one that gets to see my son smile, learn things and feel the love that he has to give.

Please stop assuming that when there is a child involved that there is automatically a husband/wife. Please just know that this child you are looking at is getting the best life that he can be given and who is loved more than anyone will ever know. Please know that this child gets everything he needs in his life and more. Please know that this child you are staring at has so many people (men and women) there for him that he will never be without.

Please know there is not a day that goes by that I do not worry if walking away was the best decision I made. There is not a day that goes by that I don't worry about what my son will think when he gets older. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about the day that my son stops me and wants to know why everyone else has a mom and dad. There is not a day that goes by that I am not having some sort of thought about my son's future because of the chooses I made running thru my head. Some may not agree with the decisions I made, however they are the one's I made and I am the one that has to be able to sleep at night with them (which I can).

I am the lucky one because I have MY son in MY life (and I tell him that all the time....so much that now when we are in the car he says to me "Mama you are lucky" and I say "Why am I lucky?" in which he responds "because you have me in your life"). My life may not be the way I planned it to be, but sometimes things happen for a certain reason and I am happy they do.

Not Me! Monday

2009-10-05T05:18:00.007-04:00

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

Are you ashamed for getting excited to have the house all to yourself for 2 weeks? Are you embarrassed that your child had a melt down at the grocery store when you were checking out? Are you hoping that while you sit with your hair all covered in dye that no one will come to your door? Well don't be! Not Me! Monday was born out of MckMama's desire to admit some of her imperfections and reveal a few moments she'd rather forget. You may find it therapeutic to join in and do the same thing!

I did not give my child donuts 2 days in a row because I wasn't in much of a mood to make him breakfast. Nope not me, I would never allow him to eat so unhealthy.

I did not listen to my pregnant friend and get her clothes for her shower from a consignment shop. I would never buy second hand (really adorable) clothes for a new born baby even if the mother asked me to.

I did not see someone at a store and totally go out of my way not to make contact with them. I would never be so rude and childish, even if the person would keep me talking forever about her pity party she is having.

I did not act childish and get all upset and hurt when I received a text this morning, ~~come to find out it was sent by someone else by mistake~~. I wouldn't get so upset when I am just friends with this person and have no expectations of anything else.

I did not turn about 8 shades of red when I was asked how tall my husband was (when trying to figure out where Camdon gets his height). I would never feel like I was a deer caught in headlights when asked that question because I am not embarrassed to be a single mom. I would never feel as if I am the ONLY one in this world that has a child without being married, because that just doesn't happen these days. (I am proud to be a single mom and have as much as I have. It isn't an easy task but I am grateful for my son and what I have accomplished the past 4 years).

Trust

2009-10-04T10:54:00.005-04:00

I have the worst case of NOT trusting people. Sadly it isn't just men that I don't trust....it is everyone. I have been hurt by so many people in my life that I just don't trust people and have the hardest time allowing anyone in. Every time I am ready to let my wall down, I seem to get hurt by another individual in this world and it ruins chances for everyone. I know this is an issue with any type of relationship I will have in my life, especially with any guys that enter my life. I think now that I have a son, allowing people in is so much harder for me than it was when I was a single childless female. I am not only scared of myself getting hurt, but I am petrified of my child learning hurt and disappointment this early in his life.
So now my question is.....how do I get over this? I have been this way for so long in my life that I don't know what to do to make this change. I guess you could say I take things too personal and that doesn't help the situation either, but there has to be a way to overcome this right? I fear that if I don't learn how to trust people I will never find anyone and I will be alone for the rest of my life.
I was asked a few weeks ago what my fears were. At first I said nothing, I really couldn't think of anything that scared me, but for some reason this question has been surrounding me on a daily basis. The more I think of it the more I have realized that I truly fear being alone. I don't like being alone at night, I don't like being alone during the day and I don't like the thought that I may be alone for the rest of my life. I have enjoyed being single and focusing on my son (still do enjoy it), but I now fear that I will never find someone (not that I am searching) to be with/in my life and most importantly my sons life.
I look around and see ~~all~~ most my friends who are married with families and I want that. I want that for myself and for my son. I want a male to be in my sons life who is a good role model, who is responsible and enjoys spending time with him (don't get me wrong I have plenty of great guys for Camdon to look up to, but I want 1 in OUR life). I want a male that loves us the way my friends husbands love them and their children.....but having a trust issue isn't going to get me that, is it?

I'm just saying....

2009-09-04T15:54:00.026-04:00

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we may not know what that reason is when it happens, sometimes it may take longer than we want to figure it out, and sometimes it is a sign of some sort or another. Everything that happens just makes us stronger and molds us to be who we are as human beings. They always say that things happen when you aren't trying so hard or looking for it. That is true in so many parts of my life and my life just got struck by it again in the past 2 months or so. I don't want to jinx myself so I will have to blog about it another time.

Curve balls are thrown at us and I see 2 different options of what you can do when that happens....you can either catch the ball and throw it back or you can let it hit you and knock you down. I use to let the curve ball hit me and knock me down, and down I would always fall. Sometimes the fall was harder and deeper than others, but nonetheless I would fall. Once I became a mom I began trying to catch the ball, ~~mind you I am deathly afraid of getting hit with a real ball~~, and as time has passed I have been getting better and better at catching and throwing it back. I am a lot stronger as a person now then I was just a year ago and I am growing stronger each day, for not only my life but my son's future.

Life is a precious gift handed to us and it shouldn't be taken for granted. Each breath we take, each morning we wake up, each time we smile/cry/laugh, each time we watch/hang out with our loved ones is a gift given to us. There is nothing that states we are guaranteed to have these luxuries in life. It is funny how some people feel as if the world owes them something or that they are the privileged ones and the silver platter should always be handed to them. I have always been brought up that nothing in the world is free and you need to work for what you want in life. I am happy I was brought up this way as I am more appreciative of what I have in life. With that conclusion, I most certainly will bring my son up like that. I mean don't get me wrong, periodically things were given to me and I am grateful for those things just as much as what I have earned, but I know that I am not owed anything in life and that the silver platter is only for serving tea and crumpets :-)

No one is perfect! If we were all perfect, the world would be a boring place. If we were all the same, things would be dull. Differences between each and everyone of us is what makes the world such a remarkable place to live it. There is a variety of people out there, a variety of life. Having similarities and differences in a relationship is what makes it work, or so I think.

My life has been a whirlwind lately, a whirlwind I have been enjoying. My life as a single mom has been mad crazy this summer with a very active 3 year old. We were outside being adventurous as much as possible (since we had such crazy weather this year). We went to Canobie Lake Park (2 times), we went to Strawberry Banke, we went to York Animal Kingdom, we went to some of the various lakes NH has to offer and down to Boston. I ventured to Vermont and we ventured to Maine together. We did so much this summer it was great....couldn't have asked for a better time with my baby.

First ride all by himself (first trip to Canobie)

Camdon on the train at Canobie (second trip to Canobie)

Horse swing at Strawberry Banke (we went on one of the hottest days)

Climbing the tree fort (freaking out when he got to the top and refused to climb down)

Checking out the Alligators at York Animal Kingdom

Posing with grandma in the tree at York

Getting ready to go on the paddle boats with mama at York.

Taking a boat ride looking at all the ducks.

Missing.....Reward Offered

2009-08-14T20:26:00.005-04:00

I am searching for a woman.....not just any woman though. I am searching for myself and am having a very difficult time finding me lately. I have been physically around but not emotionally or mentally. I have an APB out and am even offering a reward to the person who can find me again since being missing is taking a toll on my life.....A BIG TOLL!
I have lost my motivation and ambition for day to day tasks. I have lost my patience in life in general. I feel like I am loosing my mind and I don't like this feeling.....I don't like the feeling of complete and total chaos in my life. I know that only time will heal. I know that it will get better, but it just SUCKS right now!
I have been putting on a smile lately just to get thru the day. I have been pretending to care while I am at work and hoping that no one knows I am really just empty inside. My life is not where I pictured it to be at this point in my life. My life is not what I envisioned....but this is my life and this is how I decided it be. I am the one that makes the choices in my life and I am the one that needs to deal with them.
Life is just so overrated!!!

Whirlwind

2009-07-22T19:44:00.006-04:00

My life has been a complete whirlwind lately and I am not sure if that is part of my frustration or if something else deep down is just festering. I feel like I have been so busy the past couple of months but honestly can't tell you what I have been busy doing. It is summer time and I feel like it is just another day of another month. We haven't been able to do much with the weather we have been having or with the week or so we were out of commission due to Camdon's freak sickness. It is almost August 1 and the time is just flying by. I haven't had a chance to actually enjoy myself and feel like we are constantly going going going or just busy with other commitments that we haven't had time to just relax and do what we want (or just what I want to do).

I have been really frustrated lately. Frustrated with life in general and nothing in particular. I am finding myself short tempered with things and taking things a little too serious. I am taking what people are saying to heart and that isn't good. I feel burnt out and I am just grasping the edge of the cliff. I need to have "me" time, but when you are a single parent "me" time is a hard thing to have.

Work is crazy busy, which I won't complain because I have a job, but it is also taking a toll on my patience and I am not liking the person I am becoming. I feel so distant from everyone and am constantly feeling like I have no time in the day for anything. I need to take my life back and stop dwelling on it all. There are people out there who have it worse off and I need to keep remembering that on a daily basis.

This week at work, one of the companies in my building hosted a Make a Wish child. I had never been to a party or seen a Make a Wish event, so I have to tell you that I had goosebumps the whole time I was eating lunch in the cafeteria. It made take a step back and realize that my life isn't that bad. My life could be worse off. My life could consist of having an incurable illness with myself or my child. My life could consist of being homeless or having my child taken from me. My life could be way worse off and it isn't, which I am truly grateful for!!!

Times are tough for everyone right now. The economy isn't very well and it just isn't getting better or so it seems. People are having to cut back on many things, which means that people are constantly being let go, which brings us to more cutbacks and more job losses. When is this cycle going to end? What happens to those that are losing everything? What happens when times do turn around? These people aren't getting things back that they HAD to give up. People aren't going to instantly be back on their feet. This is truly a scary time for everyone! It is sad that people are loosing their homes, cable, phones, cars, etc and are embarrassed that it is happening.....but what is happening to you is probably happening to at least 1 other person you know.

Camdon is talking up a storm.....I am thinking by the time the speech therapist calls for Camdon to go get checked he won't need it and will pass with flying colors. I am still in disbelief that we are on a 6 month waiting list and were number 75 when I called back in May. Potty training is going so well. We are 100% potty trained and I am loving it. Bed time has gone accident free (knocking on wood) and if he does have to go he actually wakes up to go. Last night around 130 am Camdon woke up to go potty (he typically sleeps thru the night), we went downstairs to pee and right back to bed. I am so proud of my little man for all his accomplishments recently (and in his 3 years on this earth).

Funky

2009-07-18T18:32:00.004-04:00

Gosh it has been a while since the last post I did....this week has been so hectic and today is just not my day. I am in a horrible funk today and everything just isn't going my way as the day progresses.

I snapped at a friend today but stopped quick enough before I said something hurtful and that I would later regret ~~(which I don't regret anything it just makes me who I am.....today would have been a lie on that one)~~.

Positive for the day....Camdon is officially wearing big boy underwear and no more Pull Ups. I am super excited for him and very proud of him. Potty training wasn't that bad (a few days past 2 months). It was great when I just went to Walmart and didn't have to pick up any diapers/Pull Ups/Wipes.....such a money saver.

Life has been busy lately....haven't had time to even upload pictures from our day trips we have been taking, maybe I will get to that tonight or tomorrow.

Not Me! Monday

2009-07-13T05:17:00.001-04:00

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to http://www.mycharmingkids.net" to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

The weather in New England has been so crazy this summer, so when we had a hail storm on Tuesday I did not yell and think "Thank God my car is parked in the basement" while I was at work. Golf size hail balls falling wouldn't do that much damage to the cars in the parking lot, would they? Hahahaha.

Our company has a softball team in a area league. Camdon and I try to get to all the games since they are local and it is something outdoors to do, plus support my team. Tuesday they had a game and at the end I said that we would be grilling on Thursday since there was so many left over hot dogs and hamburgers from another event. I did not not bring the hot dogs and hamburgers to the game on Thursday to grill. I would never tell the guys we would have food and then not feed them when I was suppose to, that is just plain mean.

I did not have to take a dead bird out of the space between the bottom of my windshield and the hood when going to pick up takeout Chinese. I did not hit the bird, the bird actually hit my windshield as if it were committing suicide (that is the truth). I then did not use 5 baby wipes to grab it by the wing and throw it in the woods (wipes included). It would have been very sad if I actually had to do that and probably would have skeeved me out.

I did not get super excited when my son told me he had to poop and actually did in the potty today. That would mean we are actually making progress and almost completely done with diapers/Pull Ups. :-) I also did not allow Camdon to run around with no Pull Up or Underwear on to help know that he is really ready for big boy underwear. Who would let their child run around camo?

I also did not have my child pee in the woods while we were watching one of my company softball games this week. You just don't use the woods to go the bathroom when there is no place else to go......right?

On such a beautiful day, finally, I did not run thru the sprinkler with my son to cool off a little. What grown adult would do such a childish manuever.

I did not collaborate with my friend and her sister in law on how to throw my friend's husband in the pool without us going in. We also did not succeed in getting him in there, with only one of us going in with him (his wife). If I did such a thing I definitly wouldn't go to the Pier with them tomorrow in fear that he may try to throw me into the ocean.

What did you not do this week that you want to fess up to?

Not Me! Monday

2009-07-10T12:17:00.005-04:00

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

Not Me! Monday was born out of MckMama's desire to admit some of her imperfections and reveal a few moments she'd rather forget. You may find it therapeutic to join in and do the same thing!

I did not look in my rear view mirror to see a car with blue lights flashing flying up behind me. This car with flashing blue lights did not also stop behind me when I pulled to the side of the road. I would never get pulled over for speeding, nope not me, I am always sticking with what the speed limit signs say.

I was not disappointed when my mother called sobbing that she needed me to get her a plane ticket home early. I love her and would never get upset when my mini vacation was cut short because she needed to come back from her journey across the US.

I did not get all stressed out because Camdon had his speech therapy evaluation. I mean I am the perfect parent and any issues he may have are not due to anything I do. I also didn't feel as if a 100lbs was lifted off my shoulders when the therapists informed me that Camdon was speaking at an age range older than what he is.

Aloha Friday

2009-07-10T08:46:00.008-04:00

This week is my long weekend week. Every other week I get Friday off so it gives Camdon and I another day to spend together.

Friday, July 10th

Today is actually sunny! I am going to go get ready and head out the door with little man. I am not sure where we are going to go, but some place outdoors seems about right. Our Friday is usually just a low key day where we hang around or do errands. I am going to work on his potty training today too, since he has been staying dry in his Pull Up this week.

Saturday, July 11th

We have a 1st birthday party to go to. One of my close friends, and Camdon's sitter, daughters is turning 1 so we are going over to their house for a big bash. The kids get to go in the pools and the slip and slide. We all get to make ice cream sundae's and just celebrate in "baby's" 1st birthday.

Sunday, July 12th

The Tall Ships are coming to Boston (they actually arrived yesterday). I was thinking that we would drive down there and we could go to the Piers and check out the big ships. I am super excited and can't wait. These ships are ginormous and have sailed all over the world. They are the same type of ships (if not the real ships) that sailed the world hundreds of years ago.

The weather better cooperate this weekend. We have so many outdoor things planned. The weather hasn't been cooperating for the first half of this summer so I am praying it starts to cooperate now.

So now my question......

What types of things do you do when it isn't so nice outside?

Camdon and I watch movies together, paint, play dough, or venture to the mall or indoor playground.

If you’d like to participate, just post your own question on your blog and leave your response below. Don’t forget to visit the other participants! It’s a great way to make new bloggy friends!

Chugging right along....

2009-07-09T20:43:00.004-04:00

I haven't posted lately on how potty training is going, I guess now is as good of a time as any. I am really proud of my little man....he is just chugging along on the potty training train. Today is only Thursday and I have received 2 emails this week (different days too) at work from Jen, the sitter, telling me that Camdon has pooped on the potty. WAY TO GO LITTLE MAN!!! I am so proud of him. His Pull Up has been dry for the most part lately and he is even telling me when he has to go pee. My little baby is growing up.

I started this task back on my vacation in May....it was May 15th to be exact. I knew it was going to take some time, ~~hoping it would be a few day process and painless~~, but I didn't realize it was going to be this quick. For most people I know that have potty trained, boys and girls, it has been a pretty lengthy experience. I was praying that Camdon would be completely potty trained by the end of summer. I know I still have time and I am far from rushing or pushing him to do this.....but in the same aspect, I really don't want to buy anymore Pull Ups or wipes. I am running low on both and do not want to have to spend more money on these.

~~Tomorrow I have "off".~~ I am working for a few hours in the morning, so while we are home I am going to have Camdon run around with nothing on his bottom half except for his PJ pants since it is rather chilly tonight. I am also debating on putting big boy underwear on him tomorrow so he can get use to that. I figure if he stays without a Pull Up on it will reinforce to him that he has to use the potty and can't go in his PJ's. This weekend is a little busy with a 1st bday party and I was hoping to go to Boston on Sunday, so while we are home I will have him Pull Up less and go from there.

So last night after dinner, we went to Target. As we are walking around Camdon starts doing the "pee pee" dance and kept asking "hold me". I knew he hadn't pooped all day so I was very eager to get him on the potty when the time came. The carriage had stuff in it and I just couldn't take his "dancing" anymore even though he was saying he didn't have to go, so I told him we were running to the bathroom. We get there and he says....."no pee pee". Uh sorry my friend I don't think so, lets just try. Well he didn't go. So we went back to shopping and I went back to having an eagle eye. Well we get to the other end of the store and Camdon decides that now is the time to say "Momma I have to pee pee". Okay buddy lets go....and we RUN to the other side of the store for him to say "no pee pee". I was so frustrated that we just ran across the store that he had to try again....and nothing. So we go back to finding Grandma who is shopping and 2 minutes later "Momma I have to pee pee". So I say "Camdon...do you really have to go because we have already tried twice?" and he says "UH NO". I guess it is just a game to him.

A game it is....hahahaha. Every time we go to one of my company's softball games lately he says he has to pee. I am not a fan of port-a-potties, but figured I would see if he would go a few weeks back....NOPE. I then tried to get him to go in the woody area where no one would see him....NOPE. So we are at the game Monday and he has to pee, so I take him in the woods (after about 3 other attempts) and he finally goes in the woods. YIPPEE!!! So tonight we are at the game and he tells me he has to pee, we walk over to the woods and he goes. He is getting it...he is figuring it all out. Well he then tells me he has to poop.....uhhhhh okay lets go to the woods (hesitantly). So we walk into the woods and I pull down his pants and Pull Up.....he tried going but nothing came out (in which I was happy because I wasn't prepared at all for this event).

Camdon is chugging along. Momma is proud of her little man. Potty training is shaping up and life is moving forward.

Thousand Words Thursday

2009-07-09T04:50:00.001-04:00

Every Thursday I am going to post a picture that is powerful, that expresses emotion, and speaks volumes to me. Here's one that is worth a thousand words.

He has since gotten rid of his binky, but this was Christmas Eve while he was waiting for Santa to stop by and is the background on my blackberry.

Wednesdays Walk

2009-07-08T06:44:00.003-04:00

Last week I stopped at the day I found out I was pregnant...so now I will continue on from there.

DISCLAIMER: This is not a very good story, kind of ~~depressing~~ sad and does contain events that most people don't choose to go through in their lives. This is the way my life WAS and is in no way, shape or form how my life currently is.

I decided that I was going to continue with my gut decision no matter how hard it was going to be and how much I am going to have to give up. Sleeping Beauty and I had ended it at that point and we were going our separate ways.

I decided to tell Sleeping Beauty, who at this point has run away from the situation, that I was keeping the baby. He did not like my decision and decided to tell me that I wasn't thinking about what he wants and that it is unfair that I am not taking his thoughts into my decision. I didn't really care too much that day since I knew he wasn't going to be around for this. A few days later he called me up and wanted to talk about this. I left work for a little bit so we could go talk in private. When we got to my house he asked if this is truly what I wanted (to keep the baby). I responded with yes, this was my final decision and that is what I am not changing it. I also informed him that I made this decision with the complete understanding it was MY choice and that he didn't need to be a part of this if he didn't want to be. He then told me that if this was truly what I wanted then he wanted to be a family and was going to do what he had to to make it work ~~(gullible me believed that)~~.

Sleeping Beauty and I started hanging out again and talking and being a couple. Things were actually starting to look up for once and our family was being to be. A few days pass and SLAM right into the wall. Life was back to what it was before and Sleeping Beauty was back to all his tricks; staying out late, cheating on me with a new girl each night/week, not coming home, drinking, drugs, lying, etc. Most people think it is easy to leave in a situation like that....but not for me. When you are pregnant your hormones are all over the place, and me being me....well I am the type of person that sees good in all and is always helping others who need to be helped. I was going to be the one to fix him and make him all better. He was going to realize that the baby and I were what he needed and POOF he would be the perfect man. Well ladies and gentlemen, my wound apparently was broken because each time I went Abracadabra the opposite thing would happen but I never saw that until now.

We started fighting, me basically I was fighting for my family and he was basically fighting for ~~who knows what~~ the life he was living. I would keep allowing him back into my life each and every time he did something to hurt me. I was always under the belief that this is the time he is going to realize what he is missing....this is it. He always knew what to say to win me back and he always knew what to say to hurt me and break my heart each time.

So basically 4 months pass of this, 4 months of us getting a long for a week of so and then fighting horribly. We found out we were having a boy at this point and we were back to living together. Hey that was a step in the right direction of being a family....RIGHT? ~~Wrong, it was just so he could have a place to stay.~~

Are you ready for the good fun part?

One night at the end of February I received a phone call in the middle of the night, not really anything different as I was usually woken up with a phone call or a few stones being thrown at the window to let him in. This phone call was different though...it was from a PRIVATE number so I let it go to voicemail. I listened to the message instantly and this is what I heard "Hello this is Blank from the Manchester Police Department, we recently recovered a vehicle registered to you and need you to call us back". UH WHAT HAPPENED TONIGHT? So I call back and talk to the police officer/detective and am was asked if I had lent anyone my vehicle and I said yes it was lent to my boyfriends friend (since Sleeping Beauty had a suspended drivers license). They then asked if I knew someone named George and I had said no I had lent the vehicle to a kid we will call S. Well apparently the person driving the truck had left a local bar in Manchester and was sitting at a red light waiting to turn green. The driver squealed the tires and then hit the curb and bounced back into the road so the police stopped the vehicle. The person driving, George, was asked to do some sobriety tests and failed them. The driver was also asked numerous times what his name was and he kept telling them it was George XXXX, just like the id showed. The cops didn't believe him and put him in the patty wagon to go to the police station. S, the friend was let go and was told to go find a phone to make his call for a ride. The police eventually figured out that George was really Sleeping Beauty...NICE HUH!?

So sleeping Beauty was able to make his one phone call and he called me. He wasn't being released because he was on probation still and broke that by driving while intoxicated, using a false ID, etc. So now the father of my baby is sitting in jail and I would be attending my very first (of many) court appearances for this. I needed to attend so I could find out what was going on and what my future was now going to be looking like. Well Sleeping Beauty ended up going to jail because his bail was being held and for 2 months straight I visited him every Monday morning at 8 am. We were able to have phone calls, since I set an account up and had to keep putting money into, that were only to last 10 minutes and daily letters were sent. This was one of the most stressful times of my pregnancy but it was also a relief knowing where he was each and every night (that was the part that I enjoyed the most).

At my next appointment the doctor informed me of a finding during the ultrasound, basically they found a spot on the babies diaphragm area and needed to do some further checking into this. They would need to schedule another ultrasound to check it out....GREAT I am dealing with jail and a possible complication with my son's life, my world was falling apart as I knew it. I went to the ultra sound a wreck, worried and nervous. With the 2nd ultrasound they found that it was a calcification. This can be a sign of Cystic Fibrosis and they wanted to monitor this to see if it would change as the pregnancy went along or if it stayed the same. In order to be sure it wasn't Cystic Fibrosis they needed to keep monitoring it.....so I had to schedule another ultra sound. During the 3rd ultrasound the doctor didn't see any change in the size, which is amazing since the baby was obviously growing inside me and the spot wasn't. He said that I should be in the free and clear and there was no reason to have another ultra sound done. PHEW, what a relief but it wouldn't be out of my mind until he was born and I saw it first hand.

1 week before Camdon's birth day was when it was realized that Sleeping Beauty couldn't be kept in jail and that bail had to be set (apparently it was a new law not everyone was aware of). So a court date was set yet again and bail was set at $20,000 in which his grandmother put up her house and then some to get him bailed out....because we both thought that he learned his lesson and being stuck in jail while I was pregnant with the chance of missing it all made him wake up. I am telling you he knows what to say to whom to get what he wants. About 3 days after being out of jail on bail, he is back to his old ways....staying out all night, hanging out with people he shouldn't be, drinking, etc. I was having contractions and actually sent him a text one night while he was out saying that and was told "you are fine."

The day he decided to come back again was May 8th. He stopped by my work for the key to the apartment (he was never given a key so he couldn't get in when he wanted). He was with his good old friend S and I told Sleeping Beauty that he better be at the house when I got home from work because we had a lot to talk about. I finished my day at the office, in which I was having contractions but I was 4 weeks away so I chalked them up to being braxtonhicks. I got home and he was still there with S, who I told needed to leave. We ended up talking and I basically told him that he needed to cut the junk he was doing or he could pack his stuff and leave. He decided that he was "done and just needed to get one more party out of the way and he had done that".

We ended up watching movies that night and I was trying to relax. We eventually went to sleep that night. I woke up in the middle of the night, just like you do when you are pregnant (one of the worse parts of being pregnant I think) and went in the bathroom to pee. I thought I was finished when there seemed to be more, very strange. I went back in the bedroom and woke Sleeping Beauty to tell him I think my water broke. He told me I was again fine and to go back to bed. I just knew something was wrong, so I stood up and WHOOSH a river was running down my legs. I called the doctor's office and started packing my bag since I still had 4 weeks to go. I couldn't think of what to pack and honestly did a HORRIBLE job at it, I forgot everything needed (toothbrush, deodorant, shampoo, etc).

Holy Moly this is a long post....I guess I will finish another day.

Drum Roll Please.......

2009-07-07T20:55:00.009-04:00

The Honest Scrap award is given by other bloggers who consider a blog’s content or design to be brilliant. The awardee must then post ten honest things about themselves and pass the award on to other bloggers who fit the bill – in other words, whose blog is brilliant.

Here are the 10 honest things about me:

I am not perfect! ~~(Yes it is in writing)~~
I am the momma to an amazing boy and don't know what I would do without him.
I love being a momma but sometimes miss the ability to just run to the store alone or sleep past 8 am.
I am a shopaholic.
I would love to meet Prince Charming and be able to live happily ever after.
I have a hard time trusting people.
I have 1 tattoo and am itching to get another one ~~(just need the money)~~.
Once I became a momma I forgot about me and still to this day don't think of me.
I am scared of being alone.
I have a bad habit of biting my nails and it drives me nuts!

The Honest Scrap Award Goes to.....

Simply Mel(Formerly Mama Monoblogs)

Cristin at The Life of a Mother and Son , who nominated me so she doesn't have to do it again.

Monica at Monica and Madison, who has also already been given this award and doesn't need to do it again.

Anais at Mama in Miami, who was also nominated by Cristin so she doesn't need to do it either.

Holy Hail

2009-07-07T19:36:00.006-04:00

Summer weather in New England has been so strange this year. I honestly have to say this is the worse summer ever due to the weather (but it isn't stopping little man and I from having a good time). So for almost a month straight we had rain everyday, we got lucky and had sun shining for 3 days. Well today was suppose to be a rainy day, but not only was it rainy...it was chilly. Not only was it rainy and chilly....it hailed! Golf size hail balls fell from the sky this afternoon. It was crazy....crazy I tell you!

Man was I lucky that my car was parked in the garage at work and felt bad for all those people who don't have a spot down there. It was crazy to hear it hitting the windows at the office and to watch it bouncing off the cars and pavement. The hail then turned into downpours and very dark skies.

This wasn't from our storm as I couldn't get a picture, but this IS what it looks like.

So on top of the hail while at work today is this next story.....kinda funny though. So here I am sitting at my desk working. Now my desk is against windows, which I love. All of a sudden I hear THUMP and look up to see feathers floating all over the place. I was like what the heck!? I got up to see if I could see down the 5 stories and see a bird, but the bird must have snapped out of it and kept on flying. I mean did the bird not see the brick that separates the floors of our building. Crazy! I had to just sit there and shake my head while chuckling.

Camdon is still potty training. We have mastered the standing up and peeing part the challenge that just keeps facing us is the bowel movement portion. He just won't go on the potty for me. When I see him getting ready to go I rush him to the bathroom where he instantly doesn't have to go anymore. I still have him sit on the potty, in which turns into a crying scene. I have him sit there while I read, I have him sit there while I hold him, I have him sit there by himself and read....NOTHING! I have a bribe prize on top of the TV stand for when he goes....and he keeps asking for it, in which I have to respond when you go poop on the potty you can have it. I know one day he will get there. I think this weekend I am going to have him run around the house with no Pull Up on to see if that will help. I have to say it is frustrating, but I do keep reminding myself how far we have come in the last 45 days.

Not Me! Monday

2009-07-06T06:40:00.004-04:00

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to http://www.mycharmingkids.net" to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

After almost a month straight of rain and being inside all the time looking at the same 4 walls and toys, I was not loosing my patience with everything. Because I was not loosing my patience with everything I did not ~~beg~~ ask my mother to watch Camdon so I could have a night to myself with no little helpers or anyone to bother me. I never loose my patience and never need a break so I wouldn't beg for some time off.

I did not end up getting some drinks and going to the billiard with my nephew on my night out. Which also did not end in me feeling hungover the next morning, I mean I am a parent I don't have time to be hungover and I definitely don't like the feeling.

On the 4th of July, I did not allow my 3 year old to stay up until almost 10:30 pm so he could watch the fireworks. That is just way past his bed time and he is on a schedule of not going to bed past 8 pm, especially when we had such a busy day at 4th of July festivities and such a little nap. I was not super excited when I looked at the clock and it said 8 am and we were just waking up the next morning (we are up at by 6 am every morning so why do I want to have a day out of routine?).

I did not laugh hysterically when Camdon poured a bucket of cold water on his grandma who was sitting in the pool. I also did not take pictures of him pouring the water on grandma's head and a close up of her face....who would do such a thing!?

I did not have another great weekend with my little man. What could have been a better way to spend another weekend than exploring with my pride and joy!

God Bless America, My Home Sweet Home...

2009-07-05T20:45:00.011-04:00

I love the summer for the most part. Living in New England you learn that from November until April you are pretty much living in doors with all the snow and freezing weather, so you do as much as you can during the spring summer months. I try to keep us busy doing things out doors and exploring around outside so we can keep the indoor activities for those months we are locked in.

Around here lately that doesn't seem to be the case. For almost a month straight we have had rain every day. If it isn't raining Camdon and I try to get out, but everything is drenched that it doesn't make for a fun time and we just head back in. Staying in all the time is starting to wear on everyone. Looking at the same four walls and playing with the same toys day after day after day after day gets old REAL QUICK! My patience was running very low and Camdon's attitude was being fully affected by the weather (those 2 together don't mix very well).

Friday I took Camdon to the park in the morning and brought a towel along "just in case". I had to wipe down so much that the towel was dripping. I even had to go down the big slide on a towel to soak up the water on it. Typically when we go to the park I am forcing Camdon to leave after an extended period of time, but this time he was ready to leave about 15 minutes after getting there. Not so much fun! Friday night I finally was able to get out of the house for a bit by myself and it was much needed.

Saturday was July 4th and it was sunny (for the most part). My goal was to stay outside as long as possible since we have been couped up for so VERY long. Camdon and I kicked off the nice holiday weekend by going to the 4th of July Kids Day at Holman Stadium. It was honestly a little boring, but we met up with the Jen, babysitter, and her family so it wasn't too bad.

Camdon and Madison waiting in line for Madison's tattoo.

Camdon in one of the bounce houses.

Trying to win the prize by getting the ball in the hoop.

We then went to a BBQ at one of the guys I work with. He and his fiance were so nice to invite us to spend the day with them and their families. We had a blast eating and talking and just spending some relaxing time together. Camdon was in love because Alan has 2 dogs and he got to play with them for the whole time we were there.

We drove back home and met up with some friends to go to the ~~fireworks~~ Fire Trucks as Camdon calls them. Camdon hadn't been to fireworks since he was a little over 1 month old so this was pretty big. He got to spend the time outside with his friend K, stay up WAY PAST his bed time and see the amazing colors in the sky while momma held him close. Gosh what a great way to spend the night!

Today we started the day with some yard work (lawn mowing and weed pulling). It was a little warm once you were out there working so I filled up Camdon's pool in order for it to warm up ~~hopefully~~. It was a little windy out, but the sun definitely kept us toasty. After I was done mowing I put on Camdon's swim suit so that he and my Grandma could sit in the pool while I just put my feet in there. The water was cold and Camdon was splashing and dumping water on Grandma, which was rather hysterical since she was screaming. ~~It was rather entertaining.~~

The 2 "kids" playing nicely at first.....
On of the many cold buckets full of water dumped on Grandma....

I am thinking Grandma didn't like this.....but Camdon and I found it pretty funny.

I hope that everyone out there had a fun and safe 4th of July!

Aloha Friday

2009-07-03T17:26:00.009-04:00

Tonight my mom is going to watch Camdon so that I can have a much needed break all to myself. I think I am going to go to the beach for the night and just sit there and think, go to the arcade and play some games and then drive back.

Tomorrow is the 4th of July

We are going to Holman Stadium to attend the 4th of July celebration's there for kids @ 10 am, weather depending. The babysitter and her family along are planning on going so we will probably hang out with them.

We have a 1st bday party to go to at 12 (during Cam's nap so I am not sure we will make it as this boy needs his naps).

We then have a cookout to attend at 2 pm, this one should be fun so I am super excited.

Sunday, July 5th

We have 2 cookouts to attend, both are at 2 pm. One is for a bday party and the other is a 4th of July party.

So now my question......

How do you and your family celebrate the 4th of July?

Camdon and I usually go to a few cookouts and celebrate with family and friends.

Starting him off young

2009-07-03T17:09:00.003-04:00

roptyocccm98m96y88cccaaaaaaaaamdoooooi9nnnnn rielourrrrrugt9

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Camdon wanted to type something so I let him....I was trying to get him to type his name for everyone but he kept hitting some of the letters multiple times.

Thousand Words Thursday

2009-07-02T06:35:00.001-04:00

Every Thursday I am going to post a picture that is powerful, that expresses emotion, and speaks volumes to me. Here's one that is worth a thousand words.

Wordless Wednesday

2009-07-01T08:45:00.004-04:00

Camdon's "teacher" rocks. Miss Jen is not only Camdon's daycare provider so I can work, but she is also one of my close friends. During the day the kids like to do photoshoots and she sends the pictures to the other mom (another close friend) and myself. I think she knows when we need to smile because this was sent the other day when I needed something to "pick me up".

Wednesday's Walk

2009-07-01T06:54:00.001-04:00

Since I posted a Wednesday's Walk last week by showing pictures of Camdon's first year, I figured I would go back a little bit further and talk about the day I found out I was pregnant....Oh what a day that was.
I just wasn't feeling very well, tired all the time and just not myself. I will admit at this point in my life, I was living a lifestyle completely different then what I am use to. I was out partying every night. When I say every night I mean get out of work by 5, go home change (sometimes I would just go out in what I wore to work), grab Sleeping Beauty (if he didn't take my car and pick me up already), and hit the first bar of many. We would usually start at a restaurant so we could get some dinner and a few drinks and then move on from there to either the billiards or back home to drink or to another bar or where ever. So when I was tired all the time and my stomach was upset in the morning, I just figured I was hungover and it would go away before the work day ended (which it did so I thought nothing of it). Well as time passed, Aunt Flow never came to visit for the week. I figured it was stress, ~~because being in a relationship with Sleeping Beauty was stressful to say the least~~, and figured it would come the next day. The next day came and it went. The next day came AND it went. The next day came AND IT went. I went to the store and bought a test, figured just to ease my mind I might as well take a test to see it come out negative.
The next morning when I got up, I took the box in the bathroom opened it up and pee'd on the stick. I jumped in the shower while it was "thinking" and when I got out, there was only 1 line on the stick.....YES it is negative, PHEW!!! So I just went on with my day and you guessed it....MY NIGHT came and we were out partying. I mean I was allowed to party it up since the test came back negative...I had no worries, right? Aunt Flow is going to be here any day now...I just know it. Damn aunt flow didn't show up the next day, and she sure as heck didn't call to say she would be running late either. I just kept on waiting for her, since she was usually on schedule except for a few months. So I went to the pharmacy up the street from my house and purchased 2 more tests.
The next morning I got up, took the box in the bathroom opened it up and pee"d on the stick. ~~Very groundhog day, huh?~~ So you guessed it, I jumped in the shower while it was "thinking" and when I got out the stick had......1 line on it. Okay so 2 tests are now negative so I am definitely not pregnant.....Right? I continued living my life as it was. If I wasn't partying with Sleeping Beauty I was fighting with him and going crazy.

3 weeks later and Aunt Flow hasn't called or written to say she was not showing up this month. I took yet another test....it came back YET AGAIN NEGATIVE! What the heck is going on with me? Am I really that stressed out that I am throwing everything out of the loop? Well my yearly physical was coincidentally during the 3rd week. I went to the appointment and when asked when my last period was, I had to reply with "Well Cindy that is the problem, I haven't gotten 1 in a long time". Now Cindy, the nurse, is so amazing and easy to talk to. She had me go into the bathroom and pee in a cup, she then went behind the wall and came back out within seconds. She was the one that had to announce to me that my life was going to change in every possible way I knew it to be. Cindy is the one that had to tell me that I was "indeed" pregnant.

OMG! What am I going to do? How am I going to tell everyone? What am I going to tell everyone? How am I going to do this? Can I do this? I am not ready for this? OMG! OMG! OMG! They put me in a room so I could talk to the doctor since I wasn't going to be having my yearly physical anymore. The doctor came in and went over the different options I had. Options? I have options?

Talking to her and answering some questions they were able to tell me that my due date would be 6/6/06 and I was 10 weeks pregnant. Now I have to tell you that finding out at 10 weeks, you really have a very short window of time to make any decisions to your future. You are given 2 weeks to decide in which way you are moving with this. If you are to keep this child there is really nothing to think about except making the appointments. If you are to "terminate" this you need to make this very serious decision in less than a 2 week period of time. Adoption.....that is another choice and is in the very short period of time as well.

Leaving the office I was stunned. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know where to go. Life was a blur to me and I couldn't get out of it. I couldn't' get out of my own way at this point.

I called Sleeping Beauty, who was aware of my 3 attempts to find this out on my own, to find out where he was. He was being such a A$$H@!E, excuse my language. He wouldn't tell me where he was, what time he was coming home, NOTHING. I had to tell him while I was on the phone that I was indeed pregnant and would be at his place when he got out of work. When he arrived home it felt like an ice storm just came thru on a warm fall day....IT WAS COLD! We talked about it. We talked about where we were headed as a couple, we talked about our futures. He opted to tell me he wanted me to terminate this and that was where he stood. I couldn't do that. I have always believed that if I laid in the bed I need to deal with the "consequences". I got myself in this situation and I now need to grow up. I debated and debated and debated. I even made an appt to terminate. I couldn't go thru with it and made the decision (which is what I had said all along) that I was going to have a baby and be a momma.

Okay that is it for now......I have only 1 more thing to say:

I would never go back and change my decision. I never regret the choice I made. I may not have it easy, I may not have the "perfect family", I may not be where I should be in life....BUT I do have the most amazing son I could have ever asked for. I have a true blessing in my life who has taught me more in his 3 years of being on this earth than I learned in my 27 years without him in my life.

I love my son and nothing will ever change that!!!

ABC's of Me

2009-06-29T14:25:00.006-04:00

ABC's Of Me

A - Age: 30 years young

B - Bed size: Queen
C - Chore you hate: Hmmmm, not really a chore I hate. I just don't like when they all build up, makes it tough to fell like it is being conquered....that's what I hate about chores.
D - Dog's name: No dog at this house
E - Essential start your day item: Shower and snuggle time with little man
F - Favorite color: Pink (bright pink's)
G - Gold or Silver: Platinum
H - Height: 5'7 1/2"
I - Instruments you play: Ummmmm Camdon's saxophone whistle (does that count?)
J - Job title: Slave, AKA Office Manager and Full time single mom
K - Kid(s): 1 Handsome little boy, Camdon.
L - Living arrangements: Currently living back at my mom's with Camdon
M- Mom's name: Karen
N - Nicknames: Mama, Mandy, Manda, AJ, Demanda
O - Overnight hospital stay: A few weeks after I was born I ended up getting pneumonia and dying 3 times so I was in the hospital for that. I was also in the hospital when I gave birth to my son.
P - Pet Peeve: Lying, cheating, laziness
Q - Quote from a movie: "Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'" (The Shawshank Redemption)
R - Right or left handed: Right Handed
S - Siblings: 1 brother, 1 sister and 1 half sister
T - Time you wake up: Lately it has been 5:30 AM with Camdon
U - Underwear: What about them? I wear them...do you?
V - Vegetable you dislike: Is a tomato a vegetable? I don't totally hate them though, I can eat them in salsa and what not, but I just can't swallow them whole they gross me out.
W - Ways/Reasons you run late: Camdon slept in, couldn't get motivated, Camdon didn't want to cooperate, Traffic
X - X-rays you've had: Knee's, ankles, fingers, arms...do ultrasounds count as xrays?
Y - Yummy food you make: Homemade Mac-n-cheese....SCRUMPTIOUS!
Z - Zoo animals you like: Elephants, Giraffes, Monkeys, Bears, Lions

Not Me! Monday

2009-06-29T11:30:00.009-04:00

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to http://www.mycharmingkids.net" to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

Yesterday, I most certainly did not laugh hysterically at my child when he feel at the beach running from a tiny wave, sliding into the "mud". I would also never run from my child who needed a hug after getting up from said muddy sand so that I wouldn't become dirty either. NOPE never would I do that.

Also, I didn't let my child run to the neighbors tree last night in just a Pull Up and shirt, so he could put a band aid on the "boo boo" tree. That would just be plan silly, now wouldn't it?

I am not that mother that drives thru a fast food place to get her son dinner because she just didn't feel like cooking. Oh no, I would have made a homecooked meal after working 9+ hours.

Oh and I am not that mother that says "if you don't eat all your dinner you can't have dessert" and then goes and gives him dessert at a BBQ. I always stick to my guns and let my child learn his lesson no matter where we are, I just wouldn't give in.

While I am not fessing up to any of these things, I guess I can add that I would never brib my child to poop on the potty. I would never buy him something at a store and then tell him that he can only have it if he poops on the potty. I just would never do that....NOT ME!

Here's to a better week!

Funny Boy...

2009-06-28T18:03:00.005-04:00

Oh My Gosh! Camdon was on a roll of funny things tonight and I had to type them up so I never forgot them.

First he apparently decided that since the sun hasn't come out lately it must be winter, because he put on the winter hat we use for dress up/snow people building in the winter.

He was then playing with a cardboard box. I asked what he was going to put it in the box and he told me he was going to put "stuff in there". So he went a grabbed a book and placed it in there. Camdon then proceeded to walk over to the side door, stopped and this is the conversation we had:

Camdon: I am going to put this in the garage.

Me: You are going to put that in the garage?

Camdon: Yup

Me: Buddy, we don't have a garage.

Camdon: Why?

Really, what am I suppose to say to that? Where does he come up with these things? He makes me laugh.

This was the most recent thing this evening that he did to make me just shake my head and laugh.

During one of the nasty ice storms we had this past winter, a huge section of the tree in the neighbors yard split off.

Ever since the tree split Camdon has been telling us that the tree has a "boo boo". Today he was looking out the back window and told us, grandma and I, that the tree "has a boo boo and needs a bandaid". I responded with "that is going to be one big bandaid, not sure they sell them that big buddy".

After Grandma got back from doing her errands, she told Camdon she had something for him....it was a box of Winnie the Pooh and Friends bandaids. Camdon's first comment was that the tree needed a bandaid......UHHHHHH sorry budy but the tree isn't ours and Mr Ed (the neighbor who is a mean neighbor) probably wouldn't like us in his yard. Well Camdon didn't let that stop him, he kept saying the tree needed a bandaid so Grandma went outside with him to the tree.

Putting the bandaid on the tree (yes he is pantless, but he had on a Pull Up)

The tree with it's new bandaid on, hopefully it helps heal it. :-)

Nice job buddy...good choice putting Tigger on the tree.

I love the creative mind Camdon has. I am proud of the love he has in his heart. I am delighted by the humor that he has, even though he isn't trying to be funny. He cracks me up and I wouldn't want it any other way.

Thanks buddy for being just you!

Sunday, Sancastles, Salt and Sprinkles

2009-06-28T13:12:00.014-04:00

What do the 4 of them have in common?

That was how Camdon and I spent our Sunday morning at the Beach looking at the Sandcastle display, playing in the Salty water before it started to Sprinkle. We had such a good time checking out the Sandcastle display, then digging in the sand and playing in the Salty water.

Each year, Hampton Beach has an Annual Sandcastle Competition. This year it was the 9th Annual Hampton Beach Master Sand Sculpting Competition. The whole thing kicked off on June 13th and ran until today, June 28th. This evening they will be knocking down all the displays "of security and safety issues.....2o tons of sand can hurt if it were to fall on someone".

It is amazing what the artists can do with 10 tons of sand and 21 hours in 3 days. I wouldn't have the patience that these people have to have, the steady hand that is much needed to create these art pieces and the mindset to come up with the designs.
A GAME

Garden Delight

Dueling Grannies

Captain M...Arrrghk

Blossom (Camdon kept calling it a banana)

Whispering Oak

Rock Star

Platypus Tours

I can't wait for next years competition, which will be held June 11-24, 2010.

So after we were done checking out the masterpieces, we went down to the water and checked it out.Cheese!

We then decided we would go to the playground on the beach......

That was a birthday cake according to Camdon.

Now it was time to build our own masterpieces and play down at the water again....

Our Masterpieces!

He wanted me to dig him a hole to stand in.

Going to put his feet in.

We stand by each other all the time.
Running from the waves.....and right after this he tripped and slid on his belly.

I am truly a lucky mama to have such a great little guy. We have so much fun together no matter what we are doing. I love sharing this world with him and exploring things together. What a active morning we had....and all of the above happened within a 90 minute period.....PHEW!

Aloha Friday

2009-06-26T13:32:00.009-04:00

Welcome to this week’s edition of Aloha Friday.

In Hawaii, Aloha Friday is the day that Hawaiians take it easy and look forward to the weekend. So I thought that on Fridays I would take it easy on posting, too.

Therefore, I’ll focus on what we have planned for the weekend and end by asking a simple question for you to answer. Nothing that requires a lengthy response.

This weekend, Camdon and I are pretty busy (which is how I like it lately).

Starting off today, I worked for a few hours this morning from home while Camdon played and watched a movie. We went outside shortly after that to get some fresh air before the rain decided to show again. Camdon went down for a late nap and I was hoping to go to the playground after he wakes up, but now that it is raining that is not happening....OH WELL! I am now thinking maybe we can go to the mall and he can play at the play place there or just go to a store to get him out of the house.....we shall see how he is when he gets up.

Tomorrow, Saturday June 27th:

I am thinking of hitting a few yard sales and possibly the estate sale down the street from the house (weather permitting). In the afternoon we have a BBQ to attend. My friend Kristen, was diagnosed with MS shortly after she had her first child (a little over 2 years ago) and her father was diagnosed about 9 years ago. This year we, Camdon and I, participated in the MS Walk to help raise money in hopes of eventually finding a cure for this debilitating disease. Every year Kristen and family host a BBQ at their house during the summer to say Thank You for walking, collecting money, supporting us. Unfortunately tomorrow is suppose to rain as well, so I don't know what is going to happen.

Sunday, June 28th:

Well we were suppose to attend a "Buttons & Bows" party, but it got cancelled. I really wanted to go to see what this company is all about and was super excited to see the deals you could get. Oh well maybe they will have a new date soon. So I think we are now going to head over to the beach and see the sand castle exhibit they have going on....this weekend is the last weekend, but with our luck it will be finished due to all the rain we have going on. Whatever we do it will be fun.

So now my question......What is your favorite way to pamper yourself?

I like to go and have a pedicure. I have had 1 massage in my life, right before I gave birth, and I LOVED that as well.

Wordless Wednesday/Wednesday's Walk

2009-06-24T13:38:00.019-04:00

Well on our way...

2009-06-23T20:31:00.005-04:00

Camdon is well on his way in the potty training world. I am so proud of my little guy! It is such a great thing to watch him get so excited and proud of himself every time he pee's in the potty. It is such an accomplishment for a 3 year old (heck it is an accomplishment for a single mom of a boy) to learn to pee standing up.
Camdon is regularly going pee in the potty, ~~we are still working on the pooping part (they say most kids are scared to sit and poop, which is the case in this house)~~. He is staying dry in his Pull Ups for the day (I always said I would never use Pull Ups, but I have to say I am glad I am and probably wouldn't of if I didn't have 2 Target bags full of them). We are completely done with diapers (only babies use them ya know, hahaha) and the little undies (cars, sports themed, plain white ones and another theme'd kind...they were a gift) are washed and in his drawer ready to be used. We tried them when he first started the potty training "thing" but stopped because I didn't want to keep doing laundry with all the accidents at first. Since Camdon is staying dry so much I may start to reintroduce them in hopes that it helps him to continue to be accident free. I can't believe my baby is going to be wearing big boy undies soon.
Camdon IS going pee in the potty, but he still hasn't gotten the sense of when he has to go. He isn't asking to go on a regular basis and when he does ask he needs to go ~~NOW~~ that minute. I have said all along that this is a work in progress, slow and steady wins the race. We are getting there and we will keep chugging along. Just like the little train going up the hill, Camdon and I have to keep saying "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can" and one day he is going to look at me and say "I did it" just like he does now when he pee's in the potty.
I was so proud of my son tonight. After I picked him up from daycare, we went to Target to return the box of diapers I had and picked up some stickers for his sticker chart. We then went to McD's since he wanted "chicken" (I wanted Panera but he wasn't going for the pbj sandwich) and then off to the softball game for the guys at my office. Once we got to the softball game I kept asking him if he needed to go potty and he kept saying NO. I figured that by the time we got home he would be soaked.....and was pleasantly surprised that he was COMPLETELY DRY! He went from 4pm until 7:30 pm.....YIPPEE!
Last night was another stand on the top of the world and yell to everyone moment.....I had Camdon go potty before he went to bed, 8pm, and when he woke up at 6 am this morning he was bone dry.......YA! I had him go before he got dressed and he was like a never ending water fall....but after he finished, he was so proud of him (and so was I). I can't wait to see what tomorrow morning holds for us....hopefully another proud boy (and Mama).

What a weekend...

2009-06-21T20:11:00.006-04:00

With the way my week was going at work, I honestly didn't think it could get any worse....and once I walked out the doors Friday afternoon it only went up from there. I started off by going to Panera and having my first official meal in a restaurant by myself. I have never done that and since I was hungry and had time to waste why not eat while sitting down and not in the car. I then went to the mall to find a chocolate bunny from Lindt since Camdon pooped on the potty and the bunny I told him he could have melted the day before.....NO LUCK getting a rabbit not during the Easter season. I stopped in Target while at the mall and picked up some diapers (which I am going to return now since we are doing so well on the potty, more to come shortly), pull ups (man those are so expensive), 2 New Release movies for $10 each (super excited) and some shampoo/conditioner. I picked up Cam from his sitter early and decided since he did so well on the potty I would take him to his first movie at the theater, we went and saw UP. I was ecstatic when the girl asked how old he was and told me that under 4 is free....go me for only paying $5.50 to get into the movie for the 2 of us. We went to Chunky's and got popcorn for Camdon, dinner and dessert while watching the movie.

Waiting patiently for the movie to begin. He kept saying "Okay, movie over" and I had to keep telling him it hadn't started yet.

Content with his popcorn.

Sharing dinner with Teddy. He had chicken nuggets, chips and milk. The movie started shortly after he finished eating his dinner, but the popcorn wasn't too far away.

Camdon loved the movie....I think he enjoyed the fact that he could sit in the big comfy old car chairs, stand up, walk over to my side of the table, sit on my lap and lay back in the chair...all while watching a movie on this HUGE screen. It was great...can't wait to do it again. After the movie ended we went home and had a tub before going to bed.

Saturday was another great day. Unfortunately we have been getting so much rain lately and scheduled to get another 6 days worth of rain....so I took advantage of Saturday morning being clear from rain. It has been my goal this year to do a lot of different things with Camdon since he is getting a little bit bigger and one of those things was to go strawberry picking.

Heading to find some strawberries.

Finding a good strawberry.

Going to the next row to get some more strawberries.

Camdon did well at first picking strawberries....we had lots of white and green strawberries in our bucket but we had fun so that is all that mattered.

On our way back from Strawberry picking we hit a couple yard sales (well we hit one and drove by another) and I got 2 games for $3 and a bag of My Little Ponies for the sitters daughter for $1. We got home shortly after and Camdon rode on his jeep for a bit, we had lunch and he took a short nap. When he woke up he declared he wanted to "go feed the cows". So off to the petting farm we went.

Feeding the goat.

Feeding the sheep (this is the mean sheep who pushed the other out of the way) ....

and was eager to eat whatever Camdon would give him....

and just stick his head out far enough to eat from the bowl.

On our way back home the clouds were rolling in and we had to stop at Walmart to pick up some things I could find at Target. We got home, I grilled up some chicken. I ended up cutting up the strawberries and putting them in the freezer so we can use them whenever a craving comes about.

Sunday morning started off with strawberry pancakes...YUMMY! It was a pretty yucky day with all the rain so we stayed indoors all day and in our jammies. I have to say that with all the stuff we have been doing this weekend we have still been able to work on the potty training. Just today, Camdon earned 7 stickers....GO CAMDON! I had asked him a few weeks ago if he wanted a sticker chart like at school and he said no.....but today he asked me for one so I drew one up for him and hopefully it helps him out.

Phew what a weekend....and next weekend isn't any quieter with all the bbq's we have to go to and such. What a great way to spend the summer....with friends and family doing things and keeping busy. Memories will be made and photos will be shared.

One step closer

2009-06-17T20:08:00.003-04:00

This is going to be so vague as I can't get too much into details right now....but I will in a few weeks when things settle a little bit and I am more comfortable with how things are panning out.
I have made up my mind on a very important part of my life....I am so nervous about the next step in my life, but it is one that has had much thought and is very needed for me to live a little less stressed. I know that when it all comes out some will not support me and some will...but the most important person's thoughts that I care about are my own. I am doing what I think is the right thing to do. I have been battling this decision for a while now and finally just got the ~~courage~~ guts to go forward with it. Hopefully while I am sleeping and getting ready for work tomorrow I won't change my mind...one main reason why I need to go to work late tomorrow so I can just do what I have to do and continue with my day.

So far from where I thought I would be....but happier!

2009-06-15T20:23:00.009-04:00

I never envisioned my life the way it is today. Growing up I was to graduate high school, go to college, become a pediatric doctor, get married by 25, buy a house and have a family. That was the way it was going to go and there was no detouring from there! My goals were set and I would accomplish all of them in that order.

I did graduate high school, I did graduate college and I was engaged to be married by the time I was 25 (to my high school sweetheart which I later called the whole thing off). I however did not graduate with a doctorate, I did not even graduate with a degree in medicine (thought about it, but didn't get there), didn't get a house ~~YET~~...but I DO have my family.

My family may not be what I always thought it was going to be growing up...mom, dad and child with a picket fence. My family consists of MOM and SON and that is perfectly fine with me. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Yes it would be nice to have "the perfect family", but sometimes that is just not the way things work out. Yes it would be nice to have someone to help with finances, drop off and pick up from day care, tubs, meals, bed time, play time POTTY TRAINING and just a break....but it isn't worth it to me if that brings along fighting, sadness, anger, cheating, lying, "extra curricular activities" ~~aka drugs and alcohol~~. I am happy to be a single mom. I am happy to have a healthy child who is not in the negative environment I decided to be in for so many years. I am happy that my child doesn't have to live with the broken promises that come along with ~~SUPER DAD~~ Sleeping Beauty.

I would never change any decisions I have made in the past 4 years. I tried to keep my family together for a very long time. I was ~~defeated~~ not joined in this by someone who decided other things were more important in life then taking care of his responsibility (a whole new blog will be written on that part of my life). I honestly have to thank Sleeping Beauty for helping me be who I am today. I would not have the strength I have if I never went thru what I did while with him. I think that is probably the only thing that was positive from the relationship, BESIDES helping me conceive........

My life isn't as easy as it could be, my life isn't as full of "me" time as I use to have, my life isn't what I envisioned growing up. HOWEVER my life is full of unconditional love from a little boy who loves me for me. Loves me no matter what I look like, what I do for a job, what my life ended up being. My son loves me for me and that is the best thing I could have asked for.

I couldn't have ever envisioned my life the way it is. I couldn't have ever envisioned having the love I do have and being where I am today. I may not have all the money in the world, I may not have my own house, the perfect "family" or the knowledge of a doctor. I instead have a life full of love by one amazing person.....

I get to live life thru the eye's of a child. I get to learn all over again and be reminded that life isn't so bad and that it really isn't as complicated as us adults make it.

Children have to climb ladders and children have to learn things. Adults have to climb ladders and adults have to learn things....so why do we, as adults, make it so difficult? Why can't we, as adults, take it in strides like children do and just go with the flow? We all are eager to grow up and become adults and then we all "wish we could be younger knowing what we know now". I think everyone needs to take a step back and re-evaluate where our lives are going and what is mandatory to make it fun successfully. I have started doing that and things have begun to change even more for the positive and my life is just getting even better then it already was, with just a little less stress.

To stand or not to stand.....

2009-06-12T18:38:00.006-04:00

I did as much research as I could on the whole how to potty train your child. Am I suppose to teach him to sit? Stand? How do you teach a boy to stand when you don't have the same ~~equiptment~~ parts? What am I suppose to do with it just being me? Will he sit for the rest of his life if I potty train him sitting? After reading article after article, they suggest that you start boys off sitting because they may have a bowel movement while they are urinating. Uh ok....GREAT! I asked friends, coworkers and family on what do to....and each person's way was the "best" way to do it...hahahaha.

My bright idea during the vacation I had almost a month ago was to potty train bug, I figured what better way then to have over 7 days focused on learning to use the potty and get away from the diapers......I knew it wasn't going to be an easy task, however I didn't realize it was going to be so difficult. I mean some people can get their children potty trained in days. I figured that if we stayed home for most of the vacation and didn't do anything but run around the house naked it would work....or so I thought.

First off, my son doesn't like, and never has liked, to run around the house naked. He actually has a fit and needs to be dressed....~~guess I won't have to worry about him streaking when he gets older~~. So I ended up just taking off his diaper and having him go "comando". The first day, I was ~~bugging~~ checking in with him every 2 minutes or so. I will admit I was getting annoyed with hearing my voice say "Cam do you have to go peepee?" But I honestly just wanted to keep reminding him he didn't have on a diaper. I had the little potty seat out in the living room so if he had to go last minute there was no issue. YUP ~~big waste of money~~ that didnt go over so well. First he refused to sit on it, when he sit on it he kept complaining that it hurt his bum....my poor baby. So I brought him into the bathroom and put him on the potty while holding him...that didn't go over well either. He cried and was scared of the big open hole of water. No accidents for the whole morning.......my child is going to het this and be potty trained before he goes back to daycare, YIPPEE, is what was going thru my head. During his tub that night I noticed he was getting ready to have a bowel movement, so I grabbed him out of the tub and put him on the potty where he actually went. I was so proud of him, jumped up and down, clapped, let him pick a "prize" for going on the potty. We are so on the right track and he is definitly going to be potty trained in no time.....or so I thought.

The next day I decided I would have him run around "comando" again, except this time I would NOT keep ~~BUGGING~~ asking him to go potty I would periodically take him in the bathroom and have him try. Yup this is going to work out perfectly. In we go to the bathroom for one of the breaks and he tinkled on the potty....yes this is going amazingly easy. So I praise him, pull up his pants and off we go to the living room again. 5 minutes later as I am emtpying the dishwasher with my helper, a flood is pouring down his legs....man this isn't going so well. So I tell him it is okay, it was just an accident and that when we need to go pee we go on the potty. Change his wet clothes and start all over. Another bathroom break and he tinkles again on the potty...yes! YUP you guessed it, 5 minutes later while standing in front of the side door my son is standing in yet another puddle. It is okay Camdon, it was an accident but next time you need to go pee you need to go on the potty (and I bring him in to show him yet again where it is located).....so not our day for potty training but there is always tomorrow let's go do something during our vacation.

The very next day Camdon had no interest in being "comando" so I didn't push the issue. We went about our day and I mentioned using the potty a few time thru out the day. The very next day after that was the same thing. I was getting discouraged and didn't know what to do. Offering rewards wasn't going anyplace, praising him didn't seem to be working....so what do I do now?

Well I just kept mentioning it to him. I got a seat (CARS themed) that goes on the big potty since he seemed to want to use the real potty and not the potty chair. it had the potty shield for boys, because after you have them sit on the potty once you will realize that when a boy pee's his pee doesn't just automatically go down, it acutally goes up like a water fountain. The first couple of days it worked great, however for some reason bug kept saying it hurt. When I asked him what hurt I realized the shield was doing more harm to him then it was any good. I took it off and he has been a happy clam.

So last night we went up to my nephew's Tball game and had a sleep over up there. When we got home all the boys were getting ready for showers/tubs. Camdon's turn came, so I told him we were going to use the potty chair that aunty and cousins had (construction truck one). He saw my youngest nephew standing up to pee and firmly told me he wanted to stand up. I was so nervous.....nervous he wasn't going to make it in the potty, nervous he was going to fall, just nervous it was going to be a mess. Surprisingly enough.....he pee'd standing up like a pro and that is how we have been going since then. He is so proud of himself for doing it this way and it seems to be working out for him

So my whole ~~goal of getting this done in a few days~~ thought that this potty training thing was going to be easy and quick, was thrown out the window within the first few days. It is going to be a timely thing and all I need is patience with it. I was ~~afraid~~ nervous to be teaching a boy to use the potty, but I have learned that I can do this without a man in our lives. I have attempted yet one more thing as a single mom and we will be able to get thru this together.

In the end I guess it doesn't matter if he learns to sit or stand.....the first step is to learn to go in the potty. The second step is to learn to keep going in the potty and not in diapers/pull ups/underwear/pants. The third step is do learn to stand if he isn't already standing at that point. I mean there isn't any one in college still wearing diapers, right?

Just like playing chess, need to figure out the next move....

2009-06-10T20:32:00.005-04:00

I have never played chess or had a desire to learn how to play it, but I do know that you are constantly searching for your next move to get thru the game. Sometimes I feel like my life is a game (The Game of Life) and I am constantly battling what the next move is. Sometimes I make the right move, sometimes I make the smart move and get the go ahead 5 spaces, and sometimes I make not so smart move and have to return to START. No matter which move I get, I learn and go onto the next possible move I can make to get to the end of the game. There is no one to compete against, except myself, and there is no one to prove anything to. For most of it there is no clock to beat.

I have been playing the same game for at least 3 years now. I have been battling with the fact that I am the only one on the birth certificate for my amazing son. For the longest time I had the hardest time dealing with the fact that Sleeping Beauty didn't sign it and wasn't on it. For the longest time I worried about what people would think when they found out he wasn't on it. For the longest time I wondered what this meant for the future. I can finally say that my shoulders have a little less weight on them knowing that due to Sleeping Beauty's decision not to sign the paperwork, rights to my amazing son are at the level of ZERO for him. Many steps would need to be taken to get any rights to him and too much money, that he doesn't have since he is ~~constantly~~ unemployed, would need to be spent on this battle.

Phew! What a relief that is....but now I have a few more decisions I need to make. Do I continue on my battle or do I leave it where it is in hopes nothing comes out of the woodwork? Either way there are pro's and there are con's, it is just comparing the pro's and con's to see which is more valuable to my son and my future life. So for now I will leave it at that.....gosh being a responsible parent is not as easy as people think, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

It may be tough, but in the end it is all worth it!

2009-06-04T21:11:00.004-04:00

I know we all have heard and sometimes use the say "Time flies when your having fun", but I can't really believe how fast time has flown the past 3 years.

For 3 years I have been a single mom, by choice, but yet a single mom. For 3 years I have watched my son learn and discover everything he possibly could. For 3 years I have never said "I can't wait until Camdon can (fill in the blank)". I have never wanted to push my child to do anything and have never wanted to rush one milestone to get to the next....but let me tell you this week I am ready to move onto the next thing. If I hear "I do it myself" 1 more time I am going to scream. "I do it" is now the phrase we use when getting dressed, changing clothes, putting in a movie, turning something on, getting food/drinks, etc. ~~"I do it" and I will cry and whine when it doesn't work and will refuse to let you help me~~.

I love my son and I wouldn't for the life of me turn back time and change any decision I have made for him. He is my pride and joy, he is my rock, he is what keeps me going on a daily basis. My son is my best friend and bearer of unconditional love. I am not saying it hasn't been easy...in fact it has been the opposite. Being a parent is a daily challenge but being a single parent who works 40+ hours a week is even more of a challenge. Even though I am challenged every day, I am rewarded even more by the smile, the hug, the kiss, the ability to spend time together and most of all the ability to watch something brand new being learned.

I love you Camdon. I am proud of who you have become in these 3 years and I am very much appreciative of what you have taught your mama.

Thankful Thursday

2009-05-21T13:57:00.007-04:00

Today I figured I would post about some things I am thankful for......I am only going to post a few, but it doesn't mean I am not thankful for any others.

I am grateful for new beginnings.

I am grateful for being able to spend time with my son, even if he does have a fluff face. :-)

Wordless Wednesday

2009-05-20T12:35:00.010-04:00

My friend Melissa had this today on her blog and I loved it, so I am borrowing from her blog (http://melsmommyblog.typepad.com/momscoop/).

Playing in the fountain

Chasing the squirrels (not a career choice since he can never catch them)

Loved the BIG slide and had to keep going back on it.

I love this little boy and am so blessed to have this week off with him. Every day has been something different, but we are having fun while doing whatever.

May 5, 2006

2009-05-19T13:32:00.008-04:00

I remember this day as if it were yesterday, I actually remember the few days prior too but that is for another time.

I was 36 weeks to the day pregnant, only 4 more weeks until my due date...I still had plenty of time to pack my bags and get things ready, right? WRONG!

At approximately 1:30 am, I woke up with the feeling like I have to pee (nothing knew when pregnant). I got up and walked across the hall and into the bathroom. After I thought I was done peeing, some more "fluid" came out, okay so maybe I wasn't finished I was saying to myself. Honestly I knew something wasn't right, but I still had 4 weeks so I went back to into the bedroom. I woke up ~~LOSER~~ Sleeping Beauty, yup that is what we will call him, and said I think my water just broke. Sleeping Beauty mumbled to me, you are fine just go back to bed. I didn't feel "fine", so I got up to go back to the bathroom and then all I could ~~hear~~ feel was a ~~WOOSH~~ huge damn breaking down my leg. I grabbed a towel and sat back down so I could call the doctors office and see what to do. They told me to sit tight and the dr would call me back in less than 30 minutes....so when 45 minutes passed I called back to hear they would be calling me back soon. I was a mess, I didn't know what to do. I hadn't packed a bag. I just wasn't ready for this. Sleeping Beauty wasn't a huge help either~~....SHOCKER~~! I finally got a call back from the dr who said to head to the hospital.

Approximately 3 am, we finally left for the hospital. Sleeping Beauty didn't have a license, so I had to drive the car to the hospital, while in labor. Once there, they brought me into the triage room where they checked to see if it truly was my water. While they examined me, they found that I was 4 cm dialated and 100% efaced (or however you spell it). All we had to do was wait for me to dialate more. They couldn't determine if my water did break, but figured that is what it was. They put me into my room, where I decided not to get an epidural because I wanted to walk around and it really wasn't too bad. I was able to walk around the maternity area, stopping periodically thru contractions. I sat on the laboring ball to relieve some of the pressure off of me and did whatever else I could. Finally around 8 cms I decided I needed an epidural because it was getting too much. By the time they came in, ~~it was getting to the sorry too late period~~, they gave me a small dose. I was still able to feel the contractions and my legs, it was PERFECT! I was finally at 10cm and ready to push. Everyone was to leave the room except for Sleeping Beauty, the nurse, doctor and myself. After 45 minutes of pushing, my beautiful precious little boy was out and laying on my stomach. My first thought, which I said outloud, was he is so tiny. He was beautiful, absolutley amazing and precious.

Camdon Anthony was born on May 9, 2006 @ 2:22pm, weighing in at 5lbs 6 oz and 19 3/4 inches long. He was 4 weeks to the day early but healthy. I was up walking around 45 minutes after I gave birth, even though the nurses kept telling me not to. I figured I might as well get up and moving so I can recover quicker.

My stay at the hospital was good, except for being left there (which is for another day). I kept Camdon with me all day long. I fed him, changed him, held him, napped with him, and took care of myself. If I needed some water, ice, crackers, popsicles, etc I would just put Camdon in his "bed" and push him with me to get it. I never called the nurses, which they didn't understand, because I knew it was going to be only me taking care of Camdon when I got home so why not start when I was in the hospital. The only time I brought Camdon back to the nursery was when I went to bed at night, but as soon as I woke up the morning I was there to pick him up.

I was in the hospital for 3 days (including the day I gave birth). On Thursday, my sister in law came down and brought Camdon and I home from the hospital. One of her neighbors drove her the 1 hour down so that she could drive my car and my brother drove down later to pick her up. What would I have done if Jules wasn't around? Would they have let me leave the hospital on my own? Would I be stuck there? Camdon was 4lbs 13oz upon discharge, even scarier than when he was born.

On friday I was to take Camdon in and get some blood drawn to check his levels due to his jaundice. We were to go to the dr that afternoon to find the results. It was that afternoon that I had to do one of the hardest things a new mom could do.....I had to bring my newborn son back to the hospital to be readmitted into the NICU. His bellirubin levels were at the max for a newborn and he needed to be put under a strong light to get the jaundice fixed. I wasn't able to stay at the hospital since they had no rooms available for me, but I also wouldn't be able to be with my baby if I was in the hospital since he would be under blue lights his whole time. I would go back and forth to the hospital numerous times a day to visit with Camdon. I was able to take him out from under the light when I was nursing him, but he had to go back under as soon as we were finished.

3 days later, Mother's Day of 2006, and I got the call that my son was being discharged from the hospital. I felt like the luckiest mother in the world and couldn't get to the hospital quick enough. From this day forward we have never had to go back for anymore jaundice related issues and I am much appreciative for that.

Climbing the ladder

2009-05-15T09:14:00.006-04:00

I have officially hit a rough patch. I have hit the bottom and need to climb the ladder to get out, but can't seem to find the ladder. Anyone have one I can ~~have~~ use? I am not sure how long it will take me to climb, so if this is only a short time offering ~~please don't bother~~, I really appreciate it but I am looking for a semi permanent offer.

I know that I am not the only one in this economy struggling and there are so many worse off, which I need to remember but am having such a hard time doing that right now. I mean I have my health and my sons health, I have a job and I have family and friends, what more do I need right? ~~MONEY~~ I know I have a job that produces money, but it just isn't cutting my bills right now. I am looking into getting a second job just to help with the strain, but how do I do that as a single parent? I either miss out on time with my son or I miss out on sleep, both which are very important parts of my life. I have gone so far as to even look for assitance but they claim I don't "qualify" for anything. I don't qualify as a single parent working and trying so hard to have a better life. So the way I see it right now is that the only one's that qualify for assitance are those that either sit at home all day not even trying to make thier life better or those that lie and steal to beat the system and don't need the help. How sad that someone who isn't trying to make life a better place for them or thier family is able to get help from the state but someone who is just looking for a little help temporarily is denied. ~~Completely makes sense!~~

I know I signed up to being a single parent, because I knew that there wasn't going to be any help from anyone else. I didn't sign up for the struggle that I am going through right now though. I knew I wasn't going to have it easy, but this is far from easy.

I had to tell my best friend that I couldn't be a part of her wedding anymore......that was one of the hardest things I think I have ever done. It is not only a privilege to be part of someones wedding but it is exciting. I just can't afford the dress, alterations, hair, makeup and lodging for the 3 nights I would be up there on top of food and drinks and anything else I am missing. I know that I have disappointed her ~~for dropping out~~, but I have also disappointed myself for not being reliable and as good of a friend as I try to be. I am not sure which was worse...disappointing my best friend or myself. I have never been married, ~~engaged with my high school sweetheart but that was ended~~, so I can't say I understand how she feels I can only imagine. This is her priority and special day and here I am taking a piece of the puzzle away from her but in the same instance she needs to realize that my family's well being is my priority and deciding that I can't afford it is a HUGE thing. If I were to go through with being in her wedding I would be getting myself further into debt, which I am trying to get out of, along with taking from my child (food on the table, milk in his cup, food on his back, gas in the car to get us around) more than is already missing with the lack of money I have.

Walk in my shoes for a day...that is all I ask of anyone. Learn how it is to be me and than reconsider your thoughts. I work full time and I am a full time single parent....I put more hours in in a day than most do in a week. I don't get to just get up and go when I want to. I don't get to run to the store alone or just have a day of laying in bed watching movies. I don't get to just have 5 minutes to myself unless I walk up at 430 am. I don't get to just say "sure" when asked to do something with friends, I need to get a babysitter first. I don't get to do these things because I decided to have a child. I decided to become a parent and raise this little person to be the best person they could be. I don't get to do things because I made a decision 3 1/2 years ago and I would never change that decision in my life.

I have grown so much in the 3 1/2 years. I have become a responsible person, ~~although some would disagree since I am struggling so much right now~~. I am not into the scene I was in before and am not with the same irresponsible group I was with. Life is a priority again, my actions are a priority in my life, my family and friends are a priority in my life. I have worried about others for so long that I have forgotten about me. I need to start putting me in the 10 ten list everyday or I am going to become lost and never found. I guess I need to put up a wanted list that would say something like this:
WANTED
A stable ladder that can either be used for an indefinite time. I will not be able to pick it up and will need it dropped off at the following address......my deep dark hole I am in. Thanks in advance for any help.

Life will get better for me, I know it will. I believe that my angels up above are watching over me and they will guide me in the right direction. It will take some time, it will be painful but it will all end up in the right place. Nothing good comes without pain and this is just one of those pains I need to endure until it is over. I am truly becoming a believer in GOD again, slowly I am getting to where I 100% believe he is always around and does things for reasons unknown, but each thing does have a reason. I believe that GOD has his eye on me and won't let anything truly go wrong with this plan, but he might let me go on the long bumpy path. Whichever way I get there, I just need to remember that life will get better and that I do have a lot in my life. I do need to be grateful for what I have even if it is hard to see it all right now.

1095 Days/26280 Hours/1576800 Minutes

2009-05-09T20:17:00.004-04:00

I can't believe my child has been on this earth for 1095 Days, 26280 hours, 1576800 minutes....not too bad for someone who was 4 weeks early to the day weighing in at 5lbs 6 oz and 4lbs 13 oz when discharged. Not bad for someone who had to sit in the NICU for 3 days after being discharged one day and readmitted the next. My child is a blessing, a true blessing and sometimes I ask what I did to deserve such a great gift.

I have been following so many blogs of parents who are either pregnant and aware that their child is going to be born with a terminal, sometimes fatal disease or who have lost their children either inutero or at birth. Here I am a single mother of an amazing child who had a few issues at birth but has overcome them all. If you weren't aware of Camdon's "prebirth" life you wouldn't think he was any different than any other child. My whole pregnancy, from my ultrasound at 18 weeks, was followed by many doctors appts and multiple ultrasounds to monitor him. At 18 weeks, my healthy child was showing signs of a calcification, which to the doctors is signs of cystic fibrosis. Being a single pregnant woman having to deal with this, amongst all the other things going on in my life, was a challenge. ~~I was scared that my child was going to require more then I would be able to give him. I was petrified that my child was going to be terminally sick for however long he lived.~~ I was mortified that my child had a very good chance of dying long before I did.

3 years later, I am responsible for a healthy and clear toddler. I am the mother of a highly active, entertaining, free spirited boy. I am grateful for what I was given and I wouldn't change him for the world. I think back than I was scared that I wouldn't have the strength or power to take care of a child with "needs"....BUT now I know I could do it. I have taken care of this little boy for 3 years all on my own and I have grown from this. I can manage more now then I ever thought I could 3 years ago.

Today was Camdon's birthday and man was it a great day. The rain kept trying to come but it held off until after the party ended and we were inside snuggling before bed. This was the 1st official birthday that Camdon really had fun at. I mean his 1st and 2nd bday were fun, but this was the first one that he got into and enjoyed with his friends. It was great to see the 4 toddler friends running around playing together and helping as he opened up his gifts. What a great day and how very blessed I am to have had this with Camdon. How blessed Camdon and I both are for having such a great family (J, J, C and D you rock) and friends to share this day with us. I have another little perk for the day, but I will keep that to myself....but I am sure some can guess what it is.

2009-05-01T11:06:00.003-04:00

For the past week we have been hearing about this Pig Flu that is hitting so many people and is just moving across the Country. Is it really just a flu that is getting hyped up too much? Should we all just live in a bubble to protect ourselves and others? Can't people just be cautious on washing thier hands, handling food properly, covering when coughing/sneezing?

I am suppose to be going on a business trip in exactly 2 weeks from today. Not only am I going but my son and my mother are to travel with me. Do I go? Do I reschedule? I don't know what the right decisison is and I don't want to risk getting my family sick or worse dying from this epidemic.

I am torn......It isn't like I would be losing money since the tickets would just turn into a credit and could be used within the year. I need to decide soon since I am going to be busy with little man's bday party for the next week and will be preoccupied.

What to do, what to do?

Blessed

2009-04-30T19:15:00.001-04:00

As I sit here and watch Camdon, honestly just sit and stare at him, it makes me a little sad. My baby is no longer a baby, he is no longer totally relying on his momma for everything. He is learning more and more everyday and becoming more and more independent as the days go on. I wish I could take him and put him in a bottle so I could keep him little forever, but that is realistically not happening. I am impressed every day by him, he is learning so much each day and talking up a storm now. Some of the words that come out of his mouth are the cutest words (Sassisan = Madison, Pupcapes = pancakes, picles = popsicles, etc) and I know that eventually they too will disappear.

I am so fortunate to have Camdon as my son, my child, my everything. Without him in my life, I wouldn't be any where near where I am today. I am a firm believer that God does everything for a reason, sometimes we may not know why at first but eventually it all comes together. I believe everything happens for a reason, and sometimes those "things" are hard to process. I wasn't trying to get pregnant when I happened to. I was shocked, nervous, emotional, scared, terrified and unsure what to do. I had known from the get go that his father wasn't going to be around, even though I hung on for as long as I did and I would be doing this on my own. I tried to make it work and hoped that one day things would change and he would grow up. I am partially sad that it didn't work out, not because I want him in my life but because my son will not have both his parents together (never mind that he won't see his father).

I am partially happy I am a single parent. It may be one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life, but is the most rewarding thing. Being a single parent is nice in the aspect that I don't have to worry about parenting styles being different, fighting/arguing, worrying about 3 people and how to get by. It is also challenging since I have to find a babysitter just to go to the corner store, I can never sleep in because someone else will be there to walk up and take care of Camdon, I don't have a tag team to just walk away when I get frustrated. Even with the negatives, the POSITIVES still over power the negatives and I wouldn't change it.

Camdon is going to be 3 years old in 1 week and 1 day. This time of the year always gets me down....not really sure why, but it does. I have been in a funk all day and even cried during the day. I think I have a hard time with the fact that most people are having another baby at this point and I am not....no where near it. I don't have the family that most have and it makes me sad. As I am sitting here typing this, Camdon is sitting on my lap with me.....THIS MAKES MY DAY SO MUCH BETTER AND THE GLOOMY PART IS FORGOTTEN.

Ideally I would like to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. Someone who not only makes me feel amazing, but that can make Camdon feel just as good. I know that some day I will have someone in my life, some day I will have another child and some day my life with be as I have always dreamed it to be. Until that day I am grateful for what I do have. I have a job, I have my health, I have friends and family that love and support me. I have many true blessings in my life but the main thing I do have is MY SON! My wonderful, amazing child who loves unconditionally and reminds me every day that things really aren't that bad.

Happiness

2009-04-29T21:10:00.002-04:00

What exactly is happiness? Is it a warm summer day? A perfect life? Money? Love? Family?

For each person it is different and for some they just don't know what happiness is and never will. Some people out there just aren't aware of how to gain happiness and I don't know if they ever will. Sad to say those people are the ones that are lost in this world, and unfortunately could have everything in the world but would still not be happy. Happiness should be so simple and over flowing in our lives. Be grateful for what you have because someone out there has it worse off. The grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence. You don't know what you have until it is gone.

How do we learn what happiness is? Is it by watching elders as we are growing up? Is it built into our DNA?

I think some people don't ever want to be happy, so they live thier life the way they do each day and live to complain. Some people don't know how to change out of this lifestyle and get stuck in it.....or enjoy the attention they gain, no matter how negative it is.

I truly believe that happiness is different to each person. It can be something different each day, but in the end it should be something simple that can ge reached each day. I think we all forget that out there people don't have the things that we do. In the world, there are people out there who don't have homes, cars, money, food on thier table for each and every meal....out there are people who don't have thier health, thier family's health, a job...A JOB, in which we all take for granted. With the way things are running right now in the world....a job is a HUGE thing to have. Sadly enough a job is what makes our lives survive in this world. A job gives us money to pay the bills, get the necessities and have some fun when we can. People are loosing thier jobs left and right. Economically the US in having a tough time so people are being let go. Stress over loosing a job is causing health issues, which cost money to take care of or even can do more damamge and make you unable to work. It is a vicious cycle out there.....when is it all going to stop. Is someone trying to show us that we took for granted the things we had and this is how they are showing us? Are we getting PUNK'd? Everyone is feeling the affets of this econcomy....everyone is having a harder time finding happiness.....we all need to stand together and support each other, in the end hopefully everyone can find happiness.

I guess I just wish EVERYONE could find one thing to make them happy and keep them happy. Of course we are all going to have our ups and downs....but we need to have more ups than downs or we aren't going to be able to survive in this world we live in.