It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas....

...even though it may not seem like it will be in less than 3 weeks. My shopping is done for Camdon, but I still have about 10 more people to buy for. Monday is not easy to come by right now...but I am doing what I have to do to make sure that Christmas will be fun for my little man and show him that it isn't all about presents but about being with the ones you love and grateful for what you do have in life. Yesterday into last night it snowed for the first, no wait make that the 2nd official time this season. The accumulation wasn't that bad to shovel and it wasn't too cold out, this is the type of snowfalls I like......just enough to cover the ground and look beautiful but not too much to make it a hassle to clean up from. Camdon is really into playing outside this year and was super excited that his boots from last year still fit this year so he could come outside and help me clean up the drive way and play in the snow.

Soda, Pop, Tonic, Fizzy Drinks

Communication is a staple item in our every day activities. No matter where you are or what you are doing, there is some sort of communication. It could be verbal (English, Spanish, French, etc), sign language, code language, etc. The worlds you are using could be slang or proper, they could have an accent to someone and not to others. Depending on where you go, depends on how people say things. In New England we call "Coke" soda. In Pennsylvania they call it pop and in other parts of the US it is called tonic. Australia, amongst other places in the world, calls it fizzy drinks.

When we have children we are the ones that have to teach them how to act, how to say things, how to use things, etc. You hope and pray that you do an amazing job teaching them and that they pick things up without a single problem. I never would have guessed that my child at the age of 3 wasn't speaking at the level he should be, or so I thought. At Camdon's 3 year check up I was referred to take him to get a speech evaluation by his pediatrician. Because I like to be proactive and not reactive I decided why not go and see what they have to say. I would rather work on any problems now than to have to correct anything when he is in elementary school and having difficulties.

Tuesday, October 6th Camdon had his 2 hour speech evaluation. I was absolutely petrified to go, I just didn't want them to say his speech issue is due to my parenting (which I knew wasn't what they would say, but still you never want to hear your child's "issue" is due to your parenting). I was scared that Camdon wouldn't talk when we got there and he would just clam up and attach himself to my hip. Camdon did just the opposite, he was comfortable and cooperative for the most part. He did well during the evaluation and worked with the therapist. After spending a little over an hour there the therapist concluded that Camdon, who is 3 years 5 months, is speaking at a 3 year 11 month boy level. I was so relieved that he was speaking in an average rating and that he doesn't have to continue with speech therapy.

I received a copy of the evaluation in the mail yesterday and am pleased to read what she put in there and relieved that I have it all in writing. My child may not speak the clearest words right now, but for the most part you can understand him and each day I see improvements in his speech.

Planning isn't always the way to go

Is your husband....(fill in the blank)?

Why is it that people always assume that if you have a child you are automatically married? I totally understand that the "proper" way to start a family is to get married, get a house and have children. Realistically it doesn't always happen like that. Life isn't always a fairy tale and things happen to make the "perfect" life not so "perfect".

I didn't plan my life to be the way it is. I did not plan on meeting a guy at a bar (which at first we didn't really like each other at all and only talked because our friends were interested in each other). I didn't plan on getting in a relationship with what I thought was a great guy with my son's father. I didn't plan on getting pregnant unexpectedly. I didn't plan on having to go thru my pregnancy alone because my father's son was either "out with friends" or in jail towards the end. I did not plan on living the drama life I lived while with my son's father. I did not plan on being a single mom with no help whats so ever. I did not plan!

I may not have planned any of the things that happened to me in my life these past few years, but I would NOT change any of them for anything. I may not have planned any of these things BUT I did choose them in the end. I did choose to have a relationship (not such a good one but I always held hope). I did choose to keep MY baby when I found out I was pregnant. I did choose to stand by my son's father thru all the cheating, lying, drugs, alcohol, jail, etc heartache I was put thru. I did choose to finally one day wake up walk away from a situation that wasn't healthy for not only my life BUT most importantly MY sons life. I made the decision to do this parenting thing on my own!

I am not married! I am not embarrassed by the fact that I am doing this ALONE! I am not jealous of what "I don't have". I am not part of the perfect life, but my life is my life and I wouldn't have it any other way. I wouldn't be the person I am today if I didn't go thru the challenges I have faced. I would not appreciate my life and what I have as much as I do if I didn't have to struggle and work for all that I have.

My son is MY life. My son is a product of MY life. I am the one who has gone thru the ear infections, the colds, the long nights, the burned hands, the lack of sleep and all that comes with having a child. I am the one that gets to see my son smile, learn things and feel the love that he has to give.

Please stop assuming that when there is a child involved that there is automatically a husband/wife. Please just know that this child you are looking at is getting the best life that he can be given and who is loved more than anyone will ever know. Please know that this child gets everything he needs in his life and more. Please know that this child you are staring at has so many people (men and women) there for him that he will never be without.

Please know there is not a day that goes by that I do not worry if walking away was the best decision I made. There is not a day that goes by that I don't worry about what my son will think when he gets older. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about the day that my son stops me and wants to know why everyone else has a mom and dad. There is not a day that goes by that I am not having some sort of thought about my son's future because of the chooses I made running thru my head. Some may not agree with the decisions I made, however they are the one's I made and I am the one that has to be able to sleep at night with them (which I can).

I am the lucky one because I have MY son in MY life (and I tell him that all the time....so much that now when we are in the car he says to me "Mama you are lucky" and I say "Why am I lucky?" in which he responds "because you have me in your life"). My life may not be the way I planned it to be, but sometimes things happen for a certain reason and I am happy they do.

Not Me! Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

Are you ashamed for getting excited to have the house all to yourself for 2 weeks? Are you embarrassed that your child had a melt down at the grocery store when you were checking out? Are you hoping that while you sit with your hair all covered in dye that no one will come to your door? Well don't be! Not Me! Monday was born out of MckMama's desire to admit some of her imperfections and reveal a few moments she'd rather forget. You may find it therapeutic to join in and do the same thing!

I did not give my child donuts 2 days in a row because I wasn't in much of a mood to make him breakfast. Nope not me, I would never allow him to eat so unhealthy.

I did not listen to my pregnant friend and get her clothes for her shower from a consignment shop. I would never buy second hand (really adorable) clothes for a new born baby even if the mother asked me to.

I did not see someone at a store and totally go out of my way not to make contact with them. I would never be so rude and childish, even if the person would keep me talking forever about her pity party she is having.

I did not act childish and get all upset and hurt when I received a text this morning, come to find out it was sent by someone else by mistake. I wouldn't get so upset when I am just friends with this person and have no expectations of anything else.

I did not turn about 8 shades of red when I was asked how tall my husband was (when trying to figure out where Camdon gets his height). I would never feel like I was a deer caught in headlights when asked that question because I am not embarrassed to be a single mom. I would never feel as if I am the ONLY one in this world that has a child without being married, because that just doesn't happen these days. (I am proud to be a single mom and have as much as I have. It isn't an easy task but I am grateful for my son and what I have accomplished the past 4 years).

Trust

I have the worst case of NOT trusting people. Sadly it isn't just men that I don't trust....it is everyone. I have been hurt by so many people in my life that I just don't trust people and have the hardest time allowing anyone in. Every time I am ready to let my wall down, I seem to get hurt by another individual in this world and it ruins chances for everyone. I know this is an issue with any type of relationship I will have in my life, especially with any guys that enter my life. I think now that I have a son, allowing people in is so much harder for me than it was when I was a single childless female. I am not only scared of myself getting hurt, but I am petrified of my child learning hurt and disappointment this early in his life.
So now my question is.....how do I get over this? I have been this way for so long in my life that I don't know what to do to make this change. I guess you could say I take things too personal and that doesn't help the situation either, but there has to be a way to overcome this right? I fear that if I don't learn how to trust people I will never find anyone and I will be alone for the rest of my life.
I was asked a few weeks ago what my fears were. At first I said nothing, I really couldn't think of anything that scared me, but for some reason this question has been surrounding me on a daily basis. The more I think of it the more I have realized that I truly fear being alone. I don't like being alone at night, I don't like being alone during the day and I don't like the thought that I may be alone for the rest of my life. I have enjoyed being single and focusing on my son (still do enjoy it), but I now fear that I will never find someone (not that I am searching) to be with/in my life and most importantly my sons life.
I look around and see all most my friends who are married with families and I want that. I want that for myself and for my son. I want a male to be in my sons life who is a good role model, who is responsible and enjoys spending time with him (don't get me wrong I have plenty of great guys for Camdon to look up to, but I want 1 in OUR life). I want a male that loves us the way my friends husbands love them and their children.....but having a trust issue isn't going to get me that, is it?

I'm just saying....

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we may not know what that reason is when it happens, sometimes it may take longer than we want to figure it out, and sometimes it is a sign of some sort or another. Everything that happens just makes us stronger and molds us to be who we are as human beings. They always say that things happen when you aren't trying so hard or looking for it. That is true in so many parts of my life and my life just got struck by it again in the past 2 months or so. I don't want to jinx myself so I will have to blog about it another time.

Curve balls are thrown at us and I see 2 different options of what you can do when that happens....you can either catch the ball and throw it back or you can let it hit you and knock you down. I use to let the curve ball hit me and knock me down, and down I would always fall. Sometimes the fall was harder and deeper than others, but nonetheless I would fall. Once I became a mom I began trying to catch the ball, mind you I am deathly afraid of getting hit with a real ball, and as time has passed I have been getting better and better at catching and throwing it back. I am a lot stronger as a person now then I was just a year ago and I am growing stronger each day, for not only my life but my son's future.

Life is a precious gift handed to us and it shouldn't be taken for granted. Each breath we take, each morning we wake up, each time we smile/cry/laugh, each time we watch/hang out with our loved ones is a gift given to us. There is nothing that states we are guaranteed to have these luxuries in life. It is funny how some people feel as if the world owes them something or that they are the privileged ones and the silver platter should always be handed to them. I have always been brought up that nothing in the world is free and you need to work for what you want in life. I am happy I was brought up this way as I am more appreciative of what I have in life. With that conclusion, I most certainly will bring my son up like that. I mean don't get me wrong, periodically things were given to me and I am grateful for those things just as much as what I have earned, but I know that I am not owed anything in life and that the silver platter is only for serving tea and crumpets :-)

No one is perfect! If we were all perfect, the world would be a boring place. If we were all the same, things would be dull. Differences between each and everyone of us is what makes the world such a remarkable place to live it. There is a variety of people out there, a variety of life. Having similarities and differences in a relationship is what makes it work, or so I think.

My life has been a whirlwind lately, a whirlwind I have been enjoying. My life as a single mom has been mad crazy this summer with a very active 3 year old. We were outside being adventurous as much as possible (since we had such crazy weather this year). We went to Canobie Lake Park (2 times), we went to Strawberry Banke, we went to York Animal Kingdom, we went to some of the various lakes NH has to offer and down to Boston. I ventured to Vermont and we ventured to Maine together. We did so much this summer it was great....couldn't have asked for a better time with my baby.

First ride all by himself (first trip to Canobie)

Camdon on the train at Canobie (second trip to Canobie)

Horse swing at Strawberry Banke (we went on one of the hottest days)

Climbing the tree fort (freaking out when he got to the top and refused to climb down)

Checking out the Alligators at York Animal Kingdom

Posing with grandma in the tree at York

Getting ready to go on the paddle boats with mama at York.

Taking a boat ride looking at all the ducks.

Missing.....Reward Offered

I am searching for a woman.....not just any woman though. I am searching for myself and am having a very difficult time finding me lately. I have been physically around but not emotionally or mentally. I have an APB out and am even offering a reward to the person who can find me again since being missing is taking a toll on my life.....A BIG TOLL!
I have lost my motivation and ambition for day to day tasks. I have lost my patience in life in general. I feel like I am loosing my mind and I don't like this feeling.....I don't like the feeling of complete and total chaos in my life. I know that only time will heal. I know that it will get better, but it just SUCKS right now!
I have been putting on a smile lately just to get thru the day. I have been pretending to care while I am at work and hoping that no one knows I am really just empty inside. My life is not where I pictured it to be at this point in my life. My life is not what I envisioned....but this is my life and this is how I decided it be. I am the one that makes the choices in my life and I am the one that needs to deal with them.
Life is just so overrated!!!