Which is better, which is worse or are they equally not a good place?

So every day people are learning things that affect their futures. Some times they are life altering and sometimes they are just "ah ha" moments. Not everything we are told is for the good of our future or our families future. Sometimes you have plenty of time to take it all in and other times you have what seems like not enough time at all. Some things you can change and others are out of our hands and into the gods above to watch and do what is right (or is it truly right?).

A family member has been battling cancer for the past few years. Battle is an understatement. She has gone thru chemo in which it would "disappear" and back at the 6 month/12 month checkup for it to be determined the cancer is back. Going thru chemo to again have the same outcome, and again have it return. Again the trips back and forth to the hospital, the decision of what is the right process to go forward with, the side effects (having the energy being stolen from the body, hair loss, weight loss, etc), the ongoing family/friends watching this whole process without being able to do anything to change it. The children having to think what happens now? Having to think about watching their parent pass away or survive this whole ordeal. Family moving back home to be there, because you truly never know what today or tomorrow will bring.

A long time friend of the family was just diagnosed with cancer as his tumor erupted in his body, not even knowing that he had tumor or anything medically wrong with him. Going to the Dr for stomach pains, being sent to the hospital for appendix issues and sent immediately to Boston for what we all think was his appendix bursting. In due time, we are to find out that in reality it wasn't his appendix, it was the tumor. So now where to go from here?

In both cases there sadly is no good ending. Both have been informed there is nothing that can be done at this point. My cousin is given 6 months or so and the friend is given 3-4 months. Chemo isn't an option anymore for one as she has tried all possible avenues and the other has been told that chemo isn't going to help him.

Seriously, this is absolutely ridiculous. How can 1 person's life seem to be so meaningless that the Dr's are willing to just give up? How in this day is there no cure for cancer or no other possible options to fix them? How is this fair to them? Their families? Why is cancer just so horrible? Why do the good always have to get the bad in life, while the bad always seem to get the good in life? This just isn't fair!

My cousin and her 2 children have already had to face cancer and what it can do to a human being. 15 years ago they had to sit and watch my other cousin (the husband) battle cancer. They had to sit there and watch him become weak and lose the battle. Now those 2 same children have had to watch their mother battle this same disease to have it end the same, watch both parents battle this disease and watch aimlessly as it takes their lives. How is this fair to them?

The friend now has a wife and 16 year old to watch helplessly as cancer takes his life. How is this fair to them?

There is no real crystal ball to tell you what the future truly holds so you can change the direction if it isn't what you want in the end. If there were a crystal ball that could tell you your future years in advance, would you want to know? Is having 3+ years of a battle better then having the same ending as those who only have 4 months? Are they both not a good situation? Would you rather know years in advance or just a few months? Does the length of time make a difference in how you are to live those days?

Down the drain

Have you ever had the feeling of running away? Grass is always greener on the other side? New place, fresh start? Well that has been my mind set lately...even though I am far from running away since it won't solve any problem that exists.
It is nice to think for a short second that walking away from the life that you know into a new life you can create would make any and all problems you are facing disappear. The sad realistic truth is that those problems will just find you at some point and you will have to face them all again.
I just have so much going on in my life right now that I am drained. I am emotionally, mentally and physically drained. I have no energy to fight any battle that is before me instead I just break down and cry. I cry because I feel helpless, I feel overwhelmed, I feel defeated, I feel as if my walls are caving in and I can't break out of the room.
I know that others out there are dealing with much more complex issues in life and that mine are minimal, but at this very moment all of mine added up are a little too heavy for me to carry on my shoulders. Unfortunately I have no place to turn or go, so I am stuck dealing with all the issues and trying to come up with solutions.
Between not knowing the stability or future of my job, to deciding the best choice for my son's education, how I am going to pay for things and be able to start to save for a place of my own, to the stress of living at my mothers house (which I am very grateful for her allowing us to be here), being a single parent (which has its benefits at times), dealing with friends moving away, etc. Every thing at one time adds up to a whole bunch of nothing and I am drained.
I feel like my life is slowly going down the drain and I can't find the stopper in the sink. I know that in time it will get better and I can start to fill the sink up again but right now it is hard to think positively.

So maybe running away is not the option. Maybe a vacation is the answer....but how does one take a vacation with no funding for it? No one to take care of your son? No vacation time at work? It doesn't happen! I continue to burn my wick at both ends until it meets in the middle and burns out.

Oh well I just need to keep reminding myself that I have been stressed to the max before and I got out of it. This won't be the last time I am given too much to handle, so pull up the boot straps and start trucking thru the junk.

Just don't understand why

*****caution serious topic of conversation*****

I don't understand Suicide. I really just don't understand it. I know that people aren't thinking in a rational state of mind when contemplating this serious decision. I know that they aren't thinking about what others are feeling because they are too caught up in what they are feeling. I just don't understand how the thought of suicide even pops into someones head.

I recently had a friend, that I have known since elementary school, commit suicide and tonight was his wake/service. Saying goodbye to someone who was an amazing person so soon in life was hard. I may not have been close to him over the years, however it doesn't make him any less important. He now leaves behind a mother, father, brother, sister, 2 children and other family members who have to come to terms with why this happened. Was there something they could have done? Signs they missed showing he was going to do this? 2 sons who are going to grow up without a dad now. A best friend who will never get the image of that morning out of his head. Friends who will never get to laugh one last time.

I have had times of being really really down, where nothing seems like it is going to get better and they are just going to get worse. I have had my periods where I don't want to get out of bed, don't want to talk to ANYONE, don't want to eat, sleep or be awake. However, my son is what keeps me going each day. His love and life is worth way too much for me to give up on anything and take my own life. I can't imagine what his life would be like if I were to ever take my own life. What challenges would he face as he got older, dealing with the fact that I took my own life. I just can't imagine.

I know that no one will ever know why Doyle, or anyone, would take their own life. I know that the only person who will ever understand is the person who took their life. For what ever reason it happened, it did happen and there is no changing that. We can only hold the person in our thoughts and keep the memories alive by never forgetting them.

Doyle, where ever you are. I hope that you are no longer hurting and are at peace. I hope that you will continue to watch over your family and protect those 2 boys from up above. I hope that you have found Matt and the 2 of you are keeping each other company. You will be missed and never forgotten. You were one amazing person with the heart of gold and the ability to make everyone laugh.

RIP Doyle

Goodness Gracious

It has been quite some time since I was last on here releasing my thoughts and man do I need to spend a good week getting everything out that is going on in my life right now but will hold back on a few things.

So my life seems to have been on a rollercoaster in the past few weeks and there doesn't seem to be an end to the ride anytime soon. I have had a tough couple of months at work with the layoffs we went thru to the resignation of my amazing boss and now many more changes are in sight. I honestly am scared at this point of what my future at my job holds, but only time will tell what happens and it will all be for a reason.

I don't talk too much about my sons father, because there really isn't much to say that is positive. I have had no contact with M for over a year and M has had no contact with little man for almost 2 years (all by his choice). All of a sudden I now have 3 messages between my home phone and work phone from M and all in the same day.....St. Patricks Day. A day that many, not only Irish folk, celebrate to the full extent and M is one of those people. Who knows if this was all done due to being inebriated or if it was out of the goodness of his heart, either way I am all set having my son be in an environment that contains lies, drugs, alcohol, anger and hatred.

Once I heard his voice on not only the house machine but my work machine my anxiety level jumped about 1000 times and I lost it. I just started thinking about the possibility of my child being hurt like I was, told lies, broken promises and in just an unheatly environment. My heart broke just thinking about the life that my son may have to face unwillingly. After many days of my mind not stopping, talking it thru with a variety of people and thinking about the circumstances I have decided to just go on with my life as normal and stay as honest as I have been with little man all along. I am confident in my decision and I understand that not everyone is going to understand or agree with the one(s) I have had to make.

Forward along a few days and another message appears on my house phone.....this time at 11:30 pm. M had called to let me know that his aunt J had a 5% chance of survival and was probably not going to make it the night. Immediate reaction was OH F#($ ME! The timing of anything like this happening couldn't be any worse and I just don't want any communication what so ever with this family (except Aunt J and Grammie) and Aunt J isn't going to make it. What do I do? How do I handle this? I don't want to ignore the situation and be the bad person. I don't want to associate with him or his family and deal with the heartache and grief I got away from. UGH!!! I picked up the phone and called M and luckily was able to leave a message on his voice mail saying I appreciate the phone call and I am sorry for what is going on, to please keep me updated some how. Now I start kicking myself for calling, but I did what I thought was right at the time. I eventually got a call at work later on that morning and he had no additional information....figures. I kept it strictly to Aunt J and got off the phone rather quickly so the conversation couldn't venture to other areas. I have since decided that it wouldn't be fair to myself to attend the services and that I will contact Grammie and extend my condolensces that way.

I haven't had much of an update on Aunt J and I also haven't called Grammie to see what was going on. I just don't know what to say to Grammie when I call. I don't know how to handle this.

Screaming at the top of my lungs

I just have this urge to stand on the top of the tallest mountain and scream as loud as I can.....will that help get all of this out? Will that make me feel better? I am so burnt out lately. I have had such a nasty start to the year and I swear every week just throws more of a curve ball at me. I am tired. I am stressed. I am so unhappy. I am not liking myself right now.

In 2 months at work I have gone thru layoffs, loosing some long time coworkers (who after a while become family members or amazing friends), moving floors at work, gaining more responsibilities (some a making me feel like I am way over my head), and most recently having my amazing boss of 5 years resign (I am devastated). I am a mess, have no motivation to work while I am at the office and can see it taking over my personal life as well.

I feel like I haven't talked to anyone in forever. I haven't been blogging lately (not like I did it routinely to begin with) and I just don't feel like talking to people. I want to sleep all the time, but when it is time to sleep I can't.

Why do I have such a hard time trusting people? Why do I also allow my wall to come down so quickly and set myself up for failure? Time after time I for some reason put myself out there to get hurt, I just don't get why I do this knowing the outcome in the end.

Maybe I need to start being more selfish and cold just so I don't keep getting hurt letting people in my life. I just don't want to be an old miserable lonely person when I get older. I enjoy the company of others, I enjoy the variety of conversations I have with all the people in my life and I love meeting and getting to know new people. There are just so many positive reasons to not become cold and selfish, but the fact that I keep getting hurt is what doesn't help matters either.


My mind is constantly running right now and I just can't stand when this happens. There is nothing I can do to help it stop or even just slow down. I figured writting would help ease it a little and maybe jotting things down will be a relief. I think the worse part of being upset is that my child suffers. I don't give him my full attention and I am not happy so he senses that and it in turn makes his little innocent life not as happy as he should be.

"Any fool can criticize, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving."

What is self control? How do you learn self control? If I have character and self control will I be able to understand why people do things and forgive them? Will I be able to understand why I do things and forgive myself?



Why do I seem to sabotage any close relationship? I feel like I am always messing things up when they are going good. Why do I become scared and get in my defensive mood?

New Year, New Me!

I am welcoming 2010 with Big HUGE wide open arms!

I am super excited that 2009 has ended and that a new year has begun. I gained a lot in 2009 and am very thankful for such an educational year, however 2010 is a new clean crisp year where I can take what I learned and grow more.

I am not the type of person who makes resolutions and doesn't follow thru on them...I just don't typically make resolutions so I don't fail. This year however, I have a few resolutions and am going to try my hardest to stick with them. Sticking with them is going to only better the future for myself and my son.

Shakira's song "Give it Up to Me" is my new favorite song. With the following lyrics, I am going to sing/listen to this every time I need to be reminded....

I want the best and the best things in life are free

You can have it all

Anything you want you can make it yours

Anything you want in the world

Anything you want in the world

Give it up to me

Nothing too big or small

Anything you want you can make it yours

Anything you want in the world

Anything you want in the world

Give it up to me

What you get is exactly what you give

Never really know until you try

We're so ahead of this

Got this she wolf appetite that keeps me up all night

You know the way it works don't be afraid to ask

Aim high when the target is low

FYI I am ready to go

They say that to be effective at your new years resolutions you need to take them in baby steps (i.e. walk 5 minutes each day and work up from there) and not set the goal too high. They also say writting them down helps people keep them as you are committed at that point to do it. So for 2010 my resolutions are:

• Focus on me (this may sound selfish, but if I am not happy with myself than my life with others won't be a happy one)
• Eat better (bring breakfast and lunch to work, eat healthier dinners and drink more water)
• Excercise weekly (Atleast 4 times a week for atleast 30 minutes a day to start and build up from there)
• Become better with finances (I need to focus more on my future and less on the non necessities in life. With this I will bring breakfast and lunch to work, stop shopping aimlessly and have a strict budget to follow. I need to do this for my future.)

All of these resolutions are crucial to my future and my happiness. I have forgotten about myself for so long and am just not comfortable with how I look and where I am in life. Following thru on my 4 resolutions will help me feel better in my own skin, make my future a better place and make my life a happier place to be in. I am truly motivated to do these steps and to keep up with them. I am motivated to make my life (and my sons) a better place and my (our) future an even better place.

Take a step back

““Live your life as though there is great joy to be experienced......an abundance of goodness in each person you come in contact with, and the knowledge that you have enough inner wisdom to answer the mysteries thatchallenge you.”

~ Meladee McCarty

Every now and again I think everyone needs to take a step back and remember that what they have in life is a gift. I think people take things in life for granted far too much and fail to remember that others may not be as fortunate as them. I am not saying that I am perfect and that I am always right, because I too need to be reminded that I have many precious gifts that not all others have in life. I may not have my own home, I may not have all the new things in techonology out there, I may not have all the money in the world...but what I do have is my health, my son/family and my pride. I have a roof over my head. I have a job that brings in the money for the bills. I have food to put on the table. I have clothes to keep me warm. I have a child who I am oh so grateful for and can't imagine life without. I have far more than others have and am grateful for everything.

Recently there was an 18 year old male who was in the news. His name is Taylor aka Teddy and he was found dead one morning at the beginning of Dec. I am not a friend of the family, I honestly don't know them but this story was in the paper and for some reason it just hit home. This poor family just lost their child. They will no longer be able to talk to him, hear him, see him and taht is just rather sad to me. This family had the "rug pulled out from under them" that morning and how do you overcome such a tragedy?

Two years ago another families life was interuppted when their 8 year old passed due to a horrific accident at home. Jaiden feel off some snowy steps and into a working snowblower. Jaiden fought a good fight for 25 days but ended up succumbing to death. I, again, don't know this family either but was moved when I read the story 2 years ago and have followed the organization her family has put together in order to help others. How do you cotinue on when you have lost a child? How do you just go on with life?

I honestly can't imagine a day without my son. I can't imagine my life without him. I don't know if I would be able to go on if something were to ever happen to him. He is not only my son but he is my best friend. He is who makes my days go and who can ease my mind when it is troubled. My son is who helps me take a step back and remember that life isn't to complex and that things are a gift and not to take them for granted. Looking at life thru his eyes brings me back down and reminds me that life can be simple and easy, to take things minute by minute and along the way there are plenty of learning lessons.

"Don't take things for granted and hug your loved ones every chance you get"

~ Patrick Stump

Every year at work, I conduct an Operation Santa type of thing. We adopt families from a "non profit agency that is dedicated to helping victims and survivors of domestic and sexual violence". I take pride in helping familes during the holiday season have a brighter holiday and give them smiles that day. Coworkers are asked to either donate money (however much they are able to) or adopt a child. I collect the money and go shopping for all that were not adopted bt coworkers. Not only do I take pride in doing this, but I bring Camdon along with me to do shopping as a lesson that people aren't as fortunate as us and that is nice to help others. I don't want Camdon growing up not thinking of others and knowing that helping out and donating time, money or items is that right thing to do.

This year I also did the Thanksgiving food donation for the Nashua Soup Kitchen. I had boxes at the entraces of each seciton on my office for people to donate any can goods or non-perishable items they had to donate. I also collected money from those who didn't want to go to the grocery store. I took Camdon shopping with me, to teach him that not everyone has dinner on their table like we do, not everyone has food in their cabinets to eat like we do, not everyone is as fortunate as us. When Camdon gets older I plan on taking him with me to donate time once a month at the Soup Kitchen so that he can learn to not take everything for granted and be appreciative of everything he has.

Now a days it seems that kids are not being reminded that life is a gift and things are earned not just given to people. Kids now a days just expect that they will get the most up to date techonolgical advancements, they will get whatever they ask for and they won't hear the word NO from their parents. I was brought up by a single mom who taugh all of us that you get what you earn. Things were never handed to us on a silver platter and we had to do chores and work for the "finer" things in life. I do not want my child thinking that he should have everything and anything. I want him to learn that you need to work for things and that "toys" in life are not free. Things are expensive and everything costs something.

Isa 55:8: “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways”