Planning isn't always the way to go

Is your husband....(fill in the blank)?

Why is it that people always assume that if you have a child you are automatically married? I totally understand that the "proper" way to start a family is to get married, get a house and have children. Realistically it doesn't always happen like that. Life isn't always a fairy tale and things happen to make the "perfect" life not so "perfect".

I didn't plan my life to be the way it is. I did not plan on meeting a guy at a bar (which at first we didn't really like each other at all and only talked because our friends were interested in each other). I didn't plan on getting in a relationship with what I thought was a great guy with my son's father. I didn't plan on getting pregnant unexpectedly. I didn't plan on having to go thru my pregnancy alone because my father's son was either "out with friends" or in jail towards the end. I did not plan on living the drama life I lived while with my son's father. I did not plan on being a single mom with no help whats so ever. I did not plan!

I may not have planned any of the things that happened to me in my life these past few years, but I would NOT change any of them for anything. I may not have planned any of these things BUT I did choose them in the end. I did choose to have a relationship (not such a good one but I always held hope). I did choose to keep MY baby when I found out I was pregnant. I did choose to stand by my son's father thru all the cheating, lying, drugs, alcohol, jail, etc heartache I was put thru. I did choose to finally one day wake up walk away from a situation that wasn't healthy for not only my life BUT most importantly MY sons life. I made the decision to do this parenting thing on my own!

I am not married! I am not embarrassed by the fact that I am doing this ALONE! I am not jealous of what "I don't have". I am not part of the perfect life, but my life is my life and I wouldn't have it any other way. I wouldn't be the person I am today if I didn't go thru the challenges I have faced. I would not appreciate my life and what I have as much as I do if I didn't have to struggle and work for all that I have.

My son is MY life. My son is a product of MY life. I am the one who has gone thru the ear infections, the colds, the long nights, the burned hands, the lack of sleep and all that comes with having a child. I am the one that gets to see my son smile, learn things and feel the love that he has to give.

Please stop assuming that when there is a child involved that there is automatically a husband/wife. Please just know that this child you are looking at is getting the best life that he can be given and who is loved more than anyone will ever know. Please know that this child gets everything he needs in his life and more. Please know that this child you are staring at has so many people (men and women) there for him that he will never be without.

Please know there is not a day that goes by that I do not worry if walking away was the best decision I made. There is not a day that goes by that I don't worry about what my son will think when he gets older. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about the day that my son stops me and wants to know why everyone else has a mom and dad. There is not a day that goes by that I am not having some sort of thought about my son's future because of the chooses I made running thru my head. Some may not agree with the decisions I made, however they are the one's I made and I am the one that has to be able to sleep at night with them (which I can).

I am the lucky one because I have MY son in MY life (and I tell him that all the time....so much that now when we are in the car he says to me "Mama you are lucky" and I say "Why am I lucky?" in which he responds "because you have me in your life"). My life may not be the way I planned it to be, but sometimes things happen for a certain reason and I am happy they do.

Trust

I have the worst case of NOT trusting people. Sadly it isn't just men that I don't trust....it is everyone. I have been hurt by so many people in my life that I just don't trust people and have the hardest time allowing anyone in. Every time I am ready to let my wall down, I seem to get hurt by another individual in this world and it ruins chances for everyone. I know this is an issue with any type of relationship I will have in my life, especially with any guys that enter my life. I think now that I have a son, allowing people in is so much harder for me than it was when I was a single childless female. I am not only scared of myself getting hurt, but I am petrified of my child learning hurt and disappointment this early in his life.
So now my question is.....how do I get over this? I have been this way for so long in my life that I don't know what to do to make this change. I guess you could say I take things too personal and that doesn't help the situation either, but there has to be a way to overcome this right? I fear that if I don't learn how to trust people I will never find anyone and I will be alone for the rest of my life.
I was asked a few weeks ago what my fears were. At first I said nothing, I really couldn't think of anything that scared me, but for some reason this question has been surrounding me on a daily basis. The more I think of it the more I have realized that I truly fear being alone. I don't like being alone at night, I don't like being alone during the day and I don't like the thought that I may be alone for the rest of my life. I have enjoyed being single and focusing on my son (still do enjoy it), but I now fear that I will never find someone (not that I am searching) to be with/in my life and most importantly my sons life.
I look around and see all most my friends who are married with families and I want that. I want that for myself and for my son. I want a male to be in my sons life who is a good role model, who is responsible and enjoys spending time with him (don't get me wrong I have plenty of great guys for Camdon to look up to, but I want 1 in OUR life). I want a male that loves us the way my friends husbands love them and their children.....but having a trust issue isn't going to get me that, is it?

Whirlwind

My life has been a complete whirlwind lately and I am not sure if that is part of my frustration or if something else deep down is just festering. I feel like I have been so busy the past couple of months but honestly can't tell you what I have been busy doing. It is summer time and I feel like it is just another day of another month. We haven't been able to do much with the weather we have been having or with the week or so we were out of commission due to Camdon's freak sickness. It is almost August 1 and the time is just flying by. I haven't had a chance to actually enjoy myself and feel like we are constantly going going going or just busy with other commitments that we haven't had time to just relax and do what we want (or just what I want to do).

I have been really frustrated lately. Frustrated with life in general and nothing in particular. I am finding myself short tempered with things and taking things a little too serious. I am taking what people are saying to heart and that isn't good. I feel burnt out and I am just grasping the edge of the cliff. I need to have "me" time, but when you are a single parent "me" time is a hard thing to have.

Work is crazy busy, which I won't complain because I have a job, but it is also taking a toll on my patience and I am not liking the person I am becoming. I feel so distant from everyone and am constantly feeling like I have no time in the day for anything. I need to take my life back and stop dwelling on it all. There are people out there who have it worse off and I need to keep remembering that on a daily basis.

This week at work, one of the companies in my building hosted a Make a Wish child. I had never been to a party or seen a Make a Wish event, so I have to tell you that I had goosebumps the whole time I was eating lunch in the cafeteria. It made take a step back and realize that my life isn't that bad. My life could be worse off. My life could consist of having an incurable illness with myself or my child. My life could consist of being homeless or having my child taken from me. My life could be way worse off and it isn't, which I am truly grateful for!!!

Times are tough for everyone right now. The economy isn't very well and it just isn't getting better or so it seems. People are having to cut back on many things, which means that people are constantly being let go, which brings us to more cutbacks and more job losses. When is this cycle going to end? What happens to those that are losing everything? What happens when times do turn around? These people aren't getting things back that they HAD to give up. People aren't going to instantly be back on their feet. This is truly a scary time for everyone! It is sad that people are loosing their homes, cable, phones, cars, etc and are embarrassed that it is happening.....but what is happening to you is probably happening to at least 1 other person you know.

Camdon is talking up a storm.....I am thinking by the time the speech therapist calls for Camdon to go get checked he won't need it and will pass with flying colors. I am still in disbelief that we are on a 6 month waiting list and were number 75 when I called back in May. Potty training is going so well. We are 100% potty trained and I am loving it. Bed time has gone accident free (knocking on wood) and if he does have to go he actually wakes up to go. Last night around 130 am Camdon woke up to go potty (he typically sleeps thru the night), we went downstairs to pee and right back to bed. I am so proud of my little man for all his accomplishments recently (and in his 3 years on this earth).