Thankful Thursday

Today I figured I would post about some things I am thankful for......I am only going to post a few, but it doesn't mean I am not thankful for any others.

I am grateful for new beginnings.

I am grateful for being able to spend time with my son, even if he does have a fluff face. :-)

Wordless Wednesday

My friend Melissa had this today on her blog and I loved it, so I am borrowing from her blog (http://melsmommyblog.typepad.com/momscoop/).

Playing in the fountain

Chasing the squirrels (not a career choice since he can never catch them)

Loved the BIG slide and had to keep going back on it.

I love this little boy and am so blessed to have this week off with him. Every day has been something different, but we are having fun while doing whatever.

May 5, 2006

I remember this day as if it were yesterday, I actually remember the few days prior too but that is for another time.

I was 36 weeks to the day pregnant, only 4 more weeks until my due date...I still had plenty of time to pack my bags and get things ready, right? WRONG!

At approximately 1:30 am, I woke up with the feeling like I have to pee (nothing knew when pregnant). I got up and walked across the hall and into the bathroom. After I thought I was done peeing, some more "fluid" came out, okay so maybe I wasn't finished I was saying to myself. Honestly I knew something wasn't right, but I still had 4 weeks so I went back to into the bedroom. I woke up LOSER Sleeping Beauty, yup that is what we will call him, and said I think my water just broke. Sleeping Beauty mumbled to me, you are fine just go back to bed. I didn't feel "fine", so I got up to go back to the bathroom and then all I could hear feel was a WOOSH huge damn breaking down my leg. I grabbed a towel and sat back down so I could call the doctors office and see what to do. They told me to sit tight and the dr would call me back in less than 30 minutes....so when 45 minutes passed I called back to hear they would be calling me back soon. I was a mess, I didn't know what to do. I hadn't packed a bag. I just wasn't ready for this. Sleeping Beauty wasn't a huge help either....SHOCKER! I finally got a call back from the dr who said to head to the hospital.

Approximately 3 am, we finally left for the hospital. Sleeping Beauty didn't have a license, so I had to drive the car to the hospital, while in labor. Once there, they brought me into the triage room where they checked to see if it truly was my water. While they examined me, they found that I was 4 cm dialated and 100% efaced (or however you spell it). All we had to do was wait for me to dialate more. They couldn't determine if my water did break, but figured that is what it was. They put me into my room, where I decided not to get an epidural because I wanted to walk around and it really wasn't too bad. I was able to walk around the maternity area, stopping periodically thru contractions. I sat on the laboring ball to relieve some of the pressure off of me and did whatever else I could. Finally around 8 cms I decided I needed an epidural because it was getting too much. By the time they came in, it was getting to the sorry too late period, they gave me a small dose. I was still able to feel the contractions and my legs, it was PERFECT! I was finally at 10cm and ready to push. Everyone was to leave the room except for Sleeping Beauty, the nurse, doctor and myself. After 45 minutes of pushing, my beautiful precious little boy was out and laying on my stomach. My first thought, which I said outloud, was he is so tiny. He was beautiful, absolutley amazing and precious.

Camdon Anthony was born on May 9, 2006 @ 2:22pm, weighing in at 5lbs 6 oz and 19 3/4 inches long. He was 4 weeks to the day early but healthy. I was up walking around 45 minutes after I gave birth, even though the nurses kept telling me not to. I figured I might as well get up and moving so I can recover quicker.

My stay at the hospital was good, except for being left there (which is for another day). I kept Camdon with me all day long. I fed him, changed him, held him, napped with him, and took care of myself. If I needed some water, ice, crackers, popsicles, etc I would just put Camdon in his "bed" and push him with me to get it. I never called the nurses, which they didn't understand, because I knew it was going to be only me taking care of Camdon when I got home so why not start when I was in the hospital. The only time I brought Camdon back to the nursery was when I went to bed at night, but as soon as I woke up the morning I was there to pick him up.

I was in the hospital for 3 days (including the day I gave birth). On Thursday, my sister in law came down and brought Camdon and I home from the hospital. One of her neighbors drove her the 1 hour down so that she could drive my car and my brother drove down later to pick her up. What would I have done if Jules wasn't around? Would they have let me leave the hospital on my own? Would I be stuck there? Camdon was 4lbs 13oz upon discharge, even scarier than when he was born.

On friday I was to take Camdon in and get some blood drawn to check his levels due to his jaundice. We were to go to the dr that afternoon to find the results. It was that afternoon that I had to do one of the hardest things a new mom could do.....I had to bring my newborn son back to the hospital to be readmitted into the NICU. His bellirubin levels were at the max for a newborn and he needed to be put under a strong light to get the jaundice fixed. I wasn't able to stay at the hospital since they had no rooms available for me, but I also wouldn't be able to be with my baby if I was in the hospital since he would be under blue lights his whole time. I would go back and forth to the hospital numerous times a day to visit with Camdon. I was able to take him out from under the light when I was nursing him, but he had to go back under as soon as we were finished.

3 days later, Mother's Day of 2006, and I got the call that my son was being discharged from the hospital. I felt like the luckiest mother in the world and couldn't get to the hospital quick enough. From this day forward we have never had to go back for anymore jaundice related issues and I am much appreciative for that.

Climbing the ladder

I have officially hit a rough patch. I have hit the bottom and need to climb the ladder to get out, but can't seem to find the ladder. Anyone have one I can have use? I am not sure how long it will take me to climb, so if this is only a short time offering please don't bother, I really appreciate it but I am looking for a semi permanent offer.

I know that I am not the only one in this economy struggling and there are so many worse off, which I need to remember but am having such a hard time doing that right now. I mean I have my health and my sons health, I have a job and I have family and friends, what more do I need right? MONEY I know I have a job that produces money, but it just isn't cutting my bills right now. I am looking into getting a second job just to help with the strain, but how do I do that as a single parent? I either miss out on time with my son or I miss out on sleep, both which are very important parts of my life. I have gone so far as to even look for assitance but they claim I don't "qualify" for anything. I don't qualify as a single parent working and trying so hard to have a better life. So the way I see it right now is that the only one's that qualify for assitance are those that either sit at home all day not even trying to make thier life better or those that lie and steal to beat the system and don't need the help. How sad that someone who isn't trying to make life a better place for them or thier family is able to get help from the state but someone who is just looking for a little help temporarily is denied. Completely makes sense!

I know I signed up to being a single parent, because I knew that there wasn't going to be any help from anyone else. I didn't sign up for the struggle that I am going through right now though. I knew I wasn't going to have it easy, but this is far from easy.

I had to tell my best friend that I couldn't be a part of her wedding anymore......that was one of the hardest things I think I have ever done. It is not only a privilege to be part of someones wedding but it is exciting. I just can't afford the dress, alterations, hair, makeup and lodging for the 3 nights I would be up there on top of food and drinks and anything else I am missing. I know that I have disappointed her for dropping out, but I have also disappointed myself for not being reliable and as good of a friend as I try to be. I am not sure which was worse...disappointing my best friend or myself. I have never been married, engaged with my high school sweetheart but that was ended, so I can't say I understand how she feels I can only imagine. This is her priority and special day and here I am taking a piece of the puzzle away from her but in the same instance she needs to realize that my family's well being is my priority and deciding that I can't afford it is a HUGE thing. If I were to go through with being in her wedding I would be getting myself further into debt, which I am trying to get out of, along with taking from my child (food on the table, milk in his cup, food on his back, gas in the car to get us around) more than is already missing with the lack of money I have.

Walk in my shoes for a day...that is all I ask of anyone. Learn how it is to be me and than reconsider your thoughts. I work full time and I am a full time single parent....I put more hours in in a day than most do in a week. I don't get to just get up and go when I want to. I don't get to run to the store alone or just have a day of laying in bed watching movies. I don't get to just have 5 minutes to myself unless I walk up at 430 am. I don't get to just say "sure" when asked to do something with friends, I need to get a babysitter first. I don't get to do these things because I decided to have a child. I decided to become a parent and raise this little person to be the best person they could be. I don't get to do things because I made a decision 3 1/2 years ago and I would never change that decision in my life.

I have grown so much in the 3 1/2 years. I have become a responsible person, although some would disagree since I am struggling so much right now. I am not into the scene I was in before and am not with the same irresponsible group I was with. Life is a priority again, my actions are a priority in my life, my family and friends are a priority in my life. I have worried about others for so long that I have forgotten about me. I need to start putting me in the 10 ten list everyday or I am going to become lost and never found. I guess I need to put up a wanted list that would say something like this:
WANTED
A stable ladder that can either be used for an indefinite time. I will not be able to pick it up and will need it dropped off at the following address......my deep dark hole I am in. Thanks in advance for any help.

Life will get better for me, I know it will. I believe that my angels up above are watching over me and they will guide me in the right direction. It will take some time, it will be painful but it will all end up in the right place. Nothing good comes without pain and this is just one of those pains I need to endure until it is over. I am truly becoming a believer in GOD again, slowly I am getting to where I 100% believe he is always around and does things for reasons unknown, but each thing does have a reason. I believe that GOD has his eye on me and won't let anything truly go wrong with this plan, but he might let me go on the long bumpy path. Whichever way I get there, I just need to remember that life will get better and that I do have a lot in my life. I do need to be grateful for what I have even if it is hard to see it all right now.

1095 Days/26280 Hours/1576800 Minutes

I can't believe my child has been on this earth for 1095 Days, 26280 hours, 1576800 minutes....not too bad for someone who was 4 weeks early to the day weighing in at 5lbs 6 oz and 4lbs 13 oz when discharged. Not bad for someone who had to sit in the NICU for 3 days after being discharged one day and readmitted the next. My child is a blessing, a true blessing and sometimes I ask what I did to deserve such a great gift.

I have been following so many blogs of parents who are either pregnant and aware that their child is going to be born with a terminal, sometimes fatal disease or who have lost their children either inutero or at birth. Here I am a single mother of an amazing child who had a few issues at birth but has overcome them all. If you weren't aware of Camdon's "prebirth" life you wouldn't think he was any different than any other child. My whole pregnancy, from my ultrasound at 18 weeks, was followed by many doctors appts and multiple ultrasounds to monitor him. At 18 weeks, my healthy child was showing signs of a calcification, which to the doctors is signs of cystic fibrosis. Being a single pregnant woman having to deal with this, amongst all the other things going on in my life, was a challenge. I was scared that my child was going to require more then I would be able to give him. I was petrified that my child was going to be terminally sick for however long he lived. I was mortified that my child had a very good chance of dying long before I did.

3 years later, I am responsible for a healthy and clear toddler. I am the mother of a highly active, entertaining, free spirited boy. I am grateful for what I was given and I wouldn't change him for the world. I think back than I was scared that I wouldn't have the strength or power to take care of a child with "needs"....BUT now I know I could do it. I have taken care of this little boy for 3 years all on my own and I have grown from this. I can manage more now then I ever thought I could 3 years ago.

Today was Camdon's birthday and man was it a great day. The rain kept trying to come but it held off until after the party ended and we were inside snuggling before bed. This was the 1st official birthday that Camdon really had fun at. I mean his 1st and 2nd bday were fun, but this was the first one that he got into and enjoyed with his friends. It was great to see the 4 toddler friends running around playing together and helping as he opened up his gifts. What a great day and how very blessed I am to have had this with Camdon. How blessed Camdon and I both are for having such a great family (J, J, C and D you rock) and friends to share this day with us. I have another little perk for the day, but I will keep that to myself....but I am sure some can guess what it is.

For the past week we have been hearing about this Pig Flu that is hitting so many people and is just moving across the Country. Is it really just a flu that is getting hyped up too much? Should we all just live in a bubble to protect ourselves and others? Can't people just be cautious on washing thier hands, handling food properly, covering when coughing/sneezing?

I am suppose to be going on a business trip in exactly 2 weeks from today. Not only am I going but my son and my mother are to travel with me. Do I go? Do I reschedule? I don't know what the right decisison is and I don't want to risk getting my family sick or worse dying from this epidemic.

I am torn......It isn't like I would be losing money since the tickets would just turn into a credit and could be used within the year. I need to decide soon since I am going to be busy with little man's bday party for the next week and will be preoccupied.

What to do, what to do?