Which is better, which is worse or are they equally not a good place?

So every day people are learning things that affect their futures. Some times they are life altering and sometimes they are just "ah ha" moments. Not everything we are told is for the good of our future or our families future. Sometimes you have plenty of time to take it all in and other times you have what seems like not enough time at all. Some things you can change and others are out of our hands and into the gods above to watch and do what is right (or is it truly right?).

A family member has been battling cancer for the past few years. Battle is an understatement. She has gone thru chemo in which it would "disappear" and back at the 6 month/12 month checkup for it to be determined the cancer is back. Going thru chemo to again have the same outcome, and again have it return. Again the trips back and forth to the hospital, the decision of what is the right process to go forward with, the side effects (having the energy being stolen from the body, hair loss, weight loss, etc), the ongoing family/friends watching this whole process without being able to do anything to change it. The children having to think what happens now? Having to think about watching their parent pass away or survive this whole ordeal. Family moving back home to be there, because you truly never know what today or tomorrow will bring.

A long time friend of the family was just diagnosed with cancer as his tumor erupted in his body, not even knowing that he had tumor or anything medically wrong with him. Going to the Dr for stomach pains, being sent to the hospital for appendix issues and sent immediately to Boston for what we all think was his appendix bursting. In due time, we are to find out that in reality it wasn't his appendix, it was the tumor. So now where to go from here?

In both cases there sadly is no good ending. Both have been informed there is nothing that can be done at this point. My cousin is given 6 months or so and the friend is given 3-4 months. Chemo isn't an option anymore for one as she has tried all possible avenues and the other has been told that chemo isn't going to help him.

Seriously, this is absolutely ridiculous. How can 1 person's life seem to be so meaningless that the Dr's are willing to just give up? How in this day is there no cure for cancer or no other possible options to fix them? How is this fair to them? Their families? Why is cancer just so horrible? Why do the good always have to get the bad in life, while the bad always seem to get the good in life? This just isn't fair!

My cousin and her 2 children have already had to face cancer and what it can do to a human being. 15 years ago they had to sit and watch my other cousin (the husband) battle cancer. They had to sit there and watch him become weak and lose the battle. Now those 2 same children have had to watch their mother battle this same disease to have it end the same, watch both parents battle this disease and watch aimlessly as it takes their lives. How is this fair to them?

The friend now has a wife and 16 year old to watch helplessly as cancer takes his life. How is this fair to them?

There is no real crystal ball to tell you what the future truly holds so you can change the direction if it isn't what you want in the end. If there were a crystal ball that could tell you your future years in advance, would you want to know? Is having 3+ years of a battle better then having the same ending as those who only have 4 months? Are they both not a good situation? Would you rather know years in advance or just a few months? Does the length of time make a difference in how you are to live those days?

Down the drain

Have you ever had the feeling of running away? Grass is always greener on the other side? New place, fresh start? Well that has been my mind set lately...even though I am far from running away since it won't solve any problem that exists.
It is nice to think for a short second that walking away from the life that you know into a new life you can create would make any and all problems you are facing disappear. The sad realistic truth is that those problems will just find you at some point and you will have to face them all again.
I just have so much going on in my life right now that I am drained. I am emotionally, mentally and physically drained. I have no energy to fight any battle that is before me instead I just break down and cry. I cry because I feel helpless, I feel overwhelmed, I feel defeated, I feel as if my walls are caving in and I can't break out of the room.
I know that others out there are dealing with much more complex issues in life and that mine are minimal, but at this very moment all of mine added up are a little too heavy for me to carry on my shoulders. Unfortunately I have no place to turn or go, so I am stuck dealing with all the issues and trying to come up with solutions.
Between not knowing the stability or future of my job, to deciding the best choice for my son's education, how I am going to pay for things and be able to start to save for a place of my own, to the stress of living at my mothers house (which I am very grateful for her allowing us to be here), being a single parent (which has its benefits at times), dealing with friends moving away, etc. Every thing at one time adds up to a whole bunch of nothing and I am drained.
I feel like my life is slowly going down the drain and I can't find the stopper in the sink. I know that in time it will get better and I can start to fill the sink up again but right now it is hard to think positively.

So maybe running away is not the option. Maybe a vacation is the answer....but how does one take a vacation with no funding for it? No one to take care of your son? No vacation time at work? It doesn't happen! I continue to burn my wick at both ends until it meets in the middle and burns out.

Oh well I just need to keep reminding myself that I have been stressed to the max before and I got out of it. This won't be the last time I am given too much to handle, so pull up the boot straps and start trucking thru the junk.

Just don't understand why

*****caution serious topic of conversation*****

I don't understand Suicide. I really just don't understand it. I know that people aren't thinking in a rational state of mind when contemplating this serious decision. I know that they aren't thinking about what others are feeling because they are too caught up in what they are feeling. I just don't understand how the thought of suicide even pops into someones head.

I recently had a friend, that I have known since elementary school, commit suicide and tonight was his wake/service. Saying goodbye to someone who was an amazing person so soon in life was hard. I may not have been close to him over the years, however it doesn't make him any less important. He now leaves behind a mother, father, brother, sister, 2 children and other family members who have to come to terms with why this happened. Was there something they could have done? Signs they missed showing he was going to do this? 2 sons who are going to grow up without a dad now. A best friend who will never get the image of that morning out of his head. Friends who will never get to laugh one last time.

I have had times of being really really down, where nothing seems like it is going to get better and they are just going to get worse. I have had my periods where I don't want to get out of bed, don't want to talk to ANYONE, don't want to eat, sleep or be awake. However, my son is what keeps me going each day. His love and life is worth way too much for me to give up on anything and take my own life. I can't imagine what his life would be like if I were to ever take my own life. What challenges would he face as he got older, dealing with the fact that I took my own life. I just can't imagine.

I know that no one will ever know why Doyle, or anyone, would take their own life. I know that the only person who will ever understand is the person who took their life. For what ever reason it happened, it did happen and there is no changing that. We can only hold the person in our thoughts and keep the memories alive by never forgetting them.

Doyle, where ever you are. I hope that you are no longer hurting and are at peace. I hope that you will continue to watch over your family and protect those 2 boys from up above. I hope that you have found Matt and the 2 of you are keeping each other company. You will be missed and never forgotten. You were one amazing person with the heart of gold and the ability to make everyone laugh.

RIP Doyle

Goodness Gracious

It has been quite some time since I was last on here releasing my thoughts and man do I need to spend a good week getting everything out that is going on in my life right now but will hold back on a few things.

So my life seems to have been on a rollercoaster in the past few weeks and there doesn't seem to be an end to the ride anytime soon. I have had a tough couple of months at work with the layoffs we went thru to the resignation of my amazing boss and now many more changes are in sight. I honestly am scared at this point of what my future at my job holds, but only time will tell what happens and it will all be for a reason.

I don't talk too much about my sons father, because there really isn't much to say that is positive. I have had no contact with M for over a year and M has had no contact with little man for almost 2 years (all by his choice). All of a sudden I now have 3 messages between my home phone and work phone from M and all in the same day.....St. Patricks Day. A day that many, not only Irish folk, celebrate to the full extent and M is one of those people. Who knows if this was all done due to being inebriated or if it was out of the goodness of his heart, either way I am all set having my son be in an environment that contains lies, drugs, alcohol, anger and hatred.

Once I heard his voice on not only the house machine but my work machine my anxiety level jumped about 1000 times and I lost it. I just started thinking about the possibility of my child being hurt like I was, told lies, broken promises and in just an unheatly environment. My heart broke just thinking about the life that my son may have to face unwillingly. After many days of my mind not stopping, talking it thru with a variety of people and thinking about the circumstances I have decided to just go on with my life as normal and stay as honest as I have been with little man all along. I am confident in my decision and I understand that not everyone is going to understand or agree with the one(s) I have had to make.

Forward along a few days and another message appears on my house phone.....this time at 11:30 pm. M had called to let me know that his aunt J had a 5% chance of survival and was probably not going to make it the night. Immediate reaction was OH F#($ ME! The timing of anything like this happening couldn't be any worse and I just don't want any communication what so ever with this family (except Aunt J and Grammie) and Aunt J isn't going to make it. What do I do? How do I handle this? I don't want to ignore the situation and be the bad person. I don't want to associate with him or his family and deal with the heartache and grief I got away from. UGH!!! I picked up the phone and called M and luckily was able to leave a message on his voice mail saying I appreciate the phone call and I am sorry for what is going on, to please keep me updated some how. Now I start kicking myself for calling, but I did what I thought was right at the time. I eventually got a call at work later on that morning and he had no additional information....figures. I kept it strictly to Aunt J and got off the phone rather quickly so the conversation couldn't venture to other areas. I have since decided that it wouldn't be fair to myself to attend the services and that I will contact Grammie and extend my condolensces that way.

I haven't had much of an update on Aunt J and I also haven't called Grammie to see what was going on. I just don't know what to say to Grammie when I call. I don't know how to handle this.

Screaming at the top of my lungs

I just have this urge to stand on the top of the tallest mountain and scream as loud as I can.....will that help get all of this out? Will that make me feel better? I am so burnt out lately. I have had such a nasty start to the year and I swear every week just throws more of a curve ball at me. I am tired. I am stressed. I am so unhappy. I am not liking myself right now.

In 2 months at work I have gone thru layoffs, loosing some long time coworkers (who after a while become family members or amazing friends), moving floors at work, gaining more responsibilities (some a making me feel like I am way over my head), and most recently having my amazing boss of 5 years resign (I am devastated). I am a mess, have no motivation to work while I am at the office and can see it taking over my personal life as well.

I feel like I haven't talked to anyone in forever. I haven't been blogging lately (not like I did it routinely to begin with) and I just don't feel like talking to people. I want to sleep all the time, but when it is time to sleep I can't.

Why do I have such a hard time trusting people? Why do I also allow my wall to come down so quickly and set myself up for failure? Time after time I for some reason put myself out there to get hurt, I just don't get why I do this knowing the outcome in the end.

Maybe I need to start being more selfish and cold just so I don't keep getting hurt letting people in my life. I just don't want to be an old miserable lonely person when I get older. I enjoy the company of others, I enjoy the variety of conversations I have with all the people in my life and I love meeting and getting to know new people. There are just so many positive reasons to not become cold and selfish, but the fact that I keep getting hurt is what doesn't help matters either.


My mind is constantly running right now and I just can't stand when this happens. There is nothing I can do to help it stop or even just slow down. I figured writting would help ease it a little and maybe jotting things down will be a relief. I think the worse part of being upset is that my child suffers. I don't give him my full attention and I am not happy so he senses that and it in turn makes his little innocent life not as happy as he should be.

"Any fool can criticize, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving."

What is self control? How do you learn self control? If I have character and self control will I be able to understand why people do things and forgive them? Will I be able to understand why I do things and forgive myself?



Why do I seem to sabotage any close relationship? I feel like I am always messing things up when they are going good. Why do I become scared and get in my defensive mood?

New Year, New Me!

I am welcoming 2010 with Big HUGE wide open arms!

I am super excited that 2009 has ended and that a new year has begun. I gained a lot in 2009 and am very thankful for such an educational year, however 2010 is a new clean crisp year where I can take what I learned and grow more.

I am not the type of person who makes resolutions and doesn't follow thru on them...I just don't typically make resolutions so I don't fail. This year however, I have a few resolutions and am going to try my hardest to stick with them. Sticking with them is going to only better the future for myself and my son.

Shakira's song "Give it Up to Me" is my new favorite song. With the following lyrics, I am going to sing/listen to this every time I need to be reminded....

I want the best and the best things in life are free

You can have it all

Anything you want you can make it yours

Anything you want in the world

Anything you want in the world

Give it up to me

Nothing too big or small

Anything you want you can make it yours

Anything you want in the world

Anything you want in the world

Give it up to me

What you get is exactly what you give

Never really know until you try

We're so ahead of this

Got this she wolf appetite that keeps me up all night

You know the way it works don't be afraid to ask

Aim high when the target is low

FYI I am ready to go

They say that to be effective at your new years resolutions you need to take them in baby steps (i.e. walk 5 minutes each day and work up from there) and not set the goal too high. They also say writting them down helps people keep them as you are committed at that point to do it. So for 2010 my resolutions are:

• Focus on me (this may sound selfish, but if I am not happy with myself than my life with others won't be a happy one)
• Eat better (bring breakfast and lunch to work, eat healthier dinners and drink more water)
• Excercise weekly (Atleast 4 times a week for atleast 30 minutes a day to start and build up from there)
• Become better with finances (I need to focus more on my future and less on the non necessities in life. With this I will bring breakfast and lunch to work, stop shopping aimlessly and have a strict budget to follow. I need to do this for my future.)

All of these resolutions are crucial to my future and my happiness. I have forgotten about myself for so long and am just not comfortable with how I look and where I am in life. Following thru on my 4 resolutions will help me feel better in my own skin, make my future a better place and make my life a happier place to be in. I am truly motivated to do these steps and to keep up with them. I am motivated to make my life (and my sons) a better place and my (our) future an even better place.

Take a step back

““Live your life as though there is great joy to be experienced......an abundance of goodness in each person you come in contact with, and the knowledge that you have enough inner wisdom to answer the mysteries thatchallenge you.”

~ Meladee McCarty

Every now and again I think everyone needs to take a step back and remember that what they have in life is a gift. I think people take things in life for granted far too much and fail to remember that others may not be as fortunate as them. I am not saying that I am perfect and that I am always right, because I too need to be reminded that I have many precious gifts that not all others have in life. I may not have my own home, I may not have all the new things in techonology out there, I may not have all the money in the world...but what I do have is my health, my son/family and my pride. I have a roof over my head. I have a job that brings in the money for the bills. I have food to put on the table. I have clothes to keep me warm. I have a child who I am oh so grateful for and can't imagine life without. I have far more than others have and am grateful for everything.

Recently there was an 18 year old male who was in the news. His name is Taylor aka Teddy and he was found dead one morning at the beginning of Dec. I am not a friend of the family, I honestly don't know them but this story was in the paper and for some reason it just hit home. This poor family just lost their child. They will no longer be able to talk to him, hear him, see him and taht is just rather sad to me. This family had the "rug pulled out from under them" that morning and how do you overcome such a tragedy?

Two years ago another families life was interuppted when their 8 year old passed due to a horrific accident at home. Jaiden feel off some snowy steps and into a working snowblower. Jaiden fought a good fight for 25 days but ended up succumbing to death. I, again, don't know this family either but was moved when I read the story 2 years ago and have followed the organization her family has put together in order to help others. How do you cotinue on when you have lost a child? How do you just go on with life?

I honestly can't imagine a day without my son. I can't imagine my life without him. I don't know if I would be able to go on if something were to ever happen to him. He is not only my son but he is my best friend. He is who makes my days go and who can ease my mind when it is troubled. My son is who helps me take a step back and remember that life isn't to complex and that things are a gift and not to take them for granted. Looking at life thru his eyes brings me back down and reminds me that life can be simple and easy, to take things minute by minute and along the way there are plenty of learning lessons.

"Don't take things for granted and hug your loved ones every chance you get"

~ Patrick Stump

Every year at work, I conduct an Operation Santa type of thing. We adopt families from a "non profit agency that is dedicated to helping victims and survivors of domestic and sexual violence". I take pride in helping familes during the holiday season have a brighter holiday and give them smiles that day. Coworkers are asked to either donate money (however much they are able to) or adopt a child. I collect the money and go shopping for all that were not adopted bt coworkers. Not only do I take pride in doing this, but I bring Camdon along with me to do shopping as a lesson that people aren't as fortunate as us and that is nice to help others. I don't want Camdon growing up not thinking of others and knowing that helping out and donating time, money or items is that right thing to do.

This year I also did the Thanksgiving food donation for the Nashua Soup Kitchen. I had boxes at the entraces of each seciton on my office for people to donate any can goods or non-perishable items they had to donate. I also collected money from those who didn't want to go to the grocery store. I took Camdon shopping with me, to teach him that not everyone has dinner on their table like we do, not everyone has food in their cabinets to eat like we do, not everyone is as fortunate as us. When Camdon gets older I plan on taking him with me to donate time once a month at the Soup Kitchen so that he can learn to not take everything for granted and be appreciative of everything he has.

Now a days it seems that kids are not being reminded that life is a gift and things are earned not just given to people. Kids now a days just expect that they will get the most up to date techonolgical advancements, they will get whatever they ask for and they won't hear the word NO from their parents. I was brought up by a single mom who taugh all of us that you get what you earn. Things were never handed to us on a silver platter and we had to do chores and work for the "finer" things in life. I do not want my child thinking that he should have everything and anything. I want him to learn that you need to work for things and that "toys" in life are not free. Things are expensive and everything costs something.

Isa 55:8: “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways”

Halloween 2009

Super Cam!
Tinkerbelle, Witch, Super Cam, Bumblebee

3 Best Friends

What a heavy bag full of candy (mind you he ate maybe 3 things out of there and I just threw it away).

Tired boy from all that Trick or Treating!!!

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas....

...even though it may not seem like it will be in less than 3 weeks. My shopping is done for Camdon, but I still have about 10 more people to buy for. Monday is not easy to come by right now...but I am doing what I have to do to make sure that Christmas will be fun for my little man and show him that it isn't all about presents but about being with the ones you love and grateful for what you do have in life. Yesterday into last night it snowed for the first, no wait make that the 2nd official time this season. The accumulation wasn't that bad to shovel and it wasn't too cold out, this is the type of snowfalls I like......just enough to cover the ground and look beautiful but not too much to make it a hassle to clean up from. Camdon is really into playing outside this year and was super excited that his boots from last year still fit this year so he could come outside and help me clean up the drive way and play in the snow.

Soda, Pop, Tonic, Fizzy Drinks

Communication is a staple item in our every day activities. No matter where you are or what you are doing, there is some sort of communication. It could be verbal (English, Spanish, French, etc), sign language, code language, etc. The worlds you are using could be slang or proper, they could have an accent to someone and not to others. Depending on where you go, depends on how people say things. In New England we call "Coke" soda. In Pennsylvania they call it pop and in other parts of the US it is called tonic. Australia, amongst other places in the world, calls it fizzy drinks.

When we have children we are the ones that have to teach them how to act, how to say things, how to use things, etc. You hope and pray that you do an amazing job teaching them and that they pick things up without a single problem. I never would have guessed that my child at the age of 3 wasn't speaking at the level he should be, or so I thought. At Camdon's 3 year check up I was referred to take him to get a speech evaluation by his pediatrician. Because I like to be proactive and not reactive I decided why not go and see what they have to say. I would rather work on any problems now than to have to correct anything when he is in elementary school and having difficulties.

Tuesday, October 6th Camdon had his 2 hour speech evaluation. I was absolutely petrified to go, I just didn't want them to say his speech issue is due to my parenting (which I knew wasn't what they would say, but still you never want to hear your child's "issue" is due to your parenting). I was scared that Camdon wouldn't talk when we got there and he would just clam up and attach himself to my hip. Camdon did just the opposite, he was comfortable and cooperative for the most part. He did well during the evaluation and worked with the therapist. After spending a little over an hour there the therapist concluded that Camdon, who is 3 years 5 months, is speaking at a 3 year 11 month boy level. I was so relieved that he was speaking in an average rating and that he doesn't have to continue with speech therapy.

I received a copy of the evaluation in the mail yesterday and am pleased to read what she put in there and relieved that I have it all in writing. My child may not speak the clearest words right now, but for the most part you can understand him and each day I see improvements in his speech.

Planning isn't always the way to go

Is your husband....(fill in the blank)?

Why is it that people always assume that if you have a child you are automatically married? I totally understand that the "proper" way to start a family is to get married, get a house and have children. Realistically it doesn't always happen like that. Life isn't always a fairy tale and things happen to make the "perfect" life not so "perfect".

I didn't plan my life to be the way it is. I did not plan on meeting a guy at a bar (which at first we didn't really like each other at all and only talked because our friends were interested in each other). I didn't plan on getting in a relationship with what I thought was a great guy with my son's father. I didn't plan on getting pregnant unexpectedly. I didn't plan on having to go thru my pregnancy alone because my father's son was either "out with friends" or in jail towards the end. I did not plan on living the drama life I lived while with my son's father. I did not plan on being a single mom with no help whats so ever. I did not plan!

I may not have planned any of the things that happened to me in my life these past few years, but I would NOT change any of them for anything. I may not have planned any of these things BUT I did choose them in the end. I did choose to have a relationship (not such a good one but I always held hope). I did choose to keep MY baby when I found out I was pregnant. I did choose to stand by my son's father thru all the cheating, lying, drugs, alcohol, jail, etc heartache I was put thru. I did choose to finally one day wake up walk away from a situation that wasn't healthy for not only my life BUT most importantly MY sons life. I made the decision to do this parenting thing on my own!

I am not married! I am not embarrassed by the fact that I am doing this ALONE! I am not jealous of what "I don't have". I am not part of the perfect life, but my life is my life and I wouldn't have it any other way. I wouldn't be the person I am today if I didn't go thru the challenges I have faced. I would not appreciate my life and what I have as much as I do if I didn't have to struggle and work for all that I have.

My son is MY life. My son is a product of MY life. I am the one who has gone thru the ear infections, the colds, the long nights, the burned hands, the lack of sleep and all that comes with having a child. I am the one that gets to see my son smile, learn things and feel the love that he has to give.

Please stop assuming that when there is a child involved that there is automatically a husband/wife. Please just know that this child you are looking at is getting the best life that he can be given and who is loved more than anyone will ever know. Please know that this child gets everything he needs in his life and more. Please know that this child you are staring at has so many people (men and women) there for him that he will never be without.

Please know there is not a day that goes by that I do not worry if walking away was the best decision I made. There is not a day that goes by that I don't worry about what my son will think when he gets older. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about the day that my son stops me and wants to know why everyone else has a mom and dad. There is not a day that goes by that I am not having some sort of thought about my son's future because of the chooses I made running thru my head. Some may not agree with the decisions I made, however they are the one's I made and I am the one that has to be able to sleep at night with them (which I can).

I am the lucky one because I have MY son in MY life (and I tell him that all the time....so much that now when we are in the car he says to me "Mama you are lucky" and I say "Why am I lucky?" in which he responds "because you have me in your life"). My life may not be the way I planned it to be, but sometimes things happen for a certain reason and I am happy they do.

Not Me! Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

Are you ashamed for getting excited to have the house all to yourself for 2 weeks? Are you embarrassed that your child had a melt down at the grocery store when you were checking out? Are you hoping that while you sit with your hair all covered in dye that no one will come to your door? Well don't be! Not Me! Monday was born out of MckMama's desire to admit some of her imperfections and reveal a few moments she'd rather forget. You may find it therapeutic to join in and do the same thing!

I did not give my child donuts 2 days in a row because I wasn't in much of a mood to make him breakfast. Nope not me, I would never allow him to eat so unhealthy.

I did not listen to my pregnant friend and get her clothes for her shower from a consignment shop. I would never buy second hand (really adorable) clothes for a new born baby even if the mother asked me to.

I did not see someone at a store and totally go out of my way not to make contact with them. I would never be so rude and childish, even if the person would keep me talking forever about her pity party she is having.

I did not act childish and get all upset and hurt when I received a text this morning, come to find out it was sent by someone else by mistake. I wouldn't get so upset when I am just friends with this person and have no expectations of anything else.

I did not turn about 8 shades of red when I was asked how tall my husband was (when trying to figure out where Camdon gets his height). I would never feel like I was a deer caught in headlights when asked that question because I am not embarrassed to be a single mom. I would never feel as if I am the ONLY one in this world that has a child without being married, because that just doesn't happen these days. (I am proud to be a single mom and have as much as I have. It isn't an easy task but I am grateful for my son and what I have accomplished the past 4 years).

Trust

I have the worst case of NOT trusting people. Sadly it isn't just men that I don't trust....it is everyone. I have been hurt by so many people in my life that I just don't trust people and have the hardest time allowing anyone in. Every time I am ready to let my wall down, I seem to get hurt by another individual in this world and it ruins chances for everyone. I know this is an issue with any type of relationship I will have in my life, especially with any guys that enter my life. I think now that I have a son, allowing people in is so much harder for me than it was when I was a single childless female. I am not only scared of myself getting hurt, but I am petrified of my child learning hurt and disappointment this early in his life.
So now my question is.....how do I get over this? I have been this way for so long in my life that I don't know what to do to make this change. I guess you could say I take things too personal and that doesn't help the situation either, but there has to be a way to overcome this right? I fear that if I don't learn how to trust people I will never find anyone and I will be alone for the rest of my life.
I was asked a few weeks ago what my fears were. At first I said nothing, I really couldn't think of anything that scared me, but for some reason this question has been surrounding me on a daily basis. The more I think of it the more I have realized that I truly fear being alone. I don't like being alone at night, I don't like being alone during the day and I don't like the thought that I may be alone for the rest of my life. I have enjoyed being single and focusing on my son (still do enjoy it), but I now fear that I will never find someone (not that I am searching) to be with/in my life and most importantly my sons life.
I look around and see all most my friends who are married with families and I want that. I want that for myself and for my son. I want a male to be in my sons life who is a good role model, who is responsible and enjoys spending time with him (don't get me wrong I have plenty of great guys for Camdon to look up to, but I want 1 in OUR life). I want a male that loves us the way my friends husbands love them and their children.....but having a trust issue isn't going to get me that, is it?

I'm just saying....

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we may not know what that reason is when it happens, sometimes it may take longer than we want to figure it out, and sometimes it is a sign of some sort or another. Everything that happens just makes us stronger and molds us to be who we are as human beings. They always say that things happen when you aren't trying so hard or looking for it. That is true in so many parts of my life and my life just got struck by it again in the past 2 months or so. I don't want to jinx myself so I will have to blog about it another time.

Curve balls are thrown at us and I see 2 different options of what you can do when that happens....you can either catch the ball and throw it back or you can let it hit you and knock you down. I use to let the curve ball hit me and knock me down, and down I would always fall. Sometimes the fall was harder and deeper than others, but nonetheless I would fall. Once I became a mom I began trying to catch the ball, mind you I am deathly afraid of getting hit with a real ball, and as time has passed I have been getting better and better at catching and throwing it back. I am a lot stronger as a person now then I was just a year ago and I am growing stronger each day, for not only my life but my son's future.

Life is a precious gift handed to us and it shouldn't be taken for granted. Each breath we take, each morning we wake up, each time we smile/cry/laugh, each time we watch/hang out with our loved ones is a gift given to us. There is nothing that states we are guaranteed to have these luxuries in life. It is funny how some people feel as if the world owes them something or that they are the privileged ones and the silver platter should always be handed to them. I have always been brought up that nothing in the world is free and you need to work for what you want in life. I am happy I was brought up this way as I am more appreciative of what I have in life. With that conclusion, I most certainly will bring my son up like that. I mean don't get me wrong, periodically things were given to me and I am grateful for those things just as much as what I have earned, but I know that I am not owed anything in life and that the silver platter is only for serving tea and crumpets :-)

No one is perfect! If we were all perfect, the world would be a boring place. If we were all the same, things would be dull. Differences between each and everyone of us is what makes the world such a remarkable place to live it. There is a variety of people out there, a variety of life. Having similarities and differences in a relationship is what makes it work, or so I think.

My life has been a whirlwind lately, a whirlwind I have been enjoying. My life as a single mom has been mad crazy this summer with a very active 3 year old. We were outside being adventurous as much as possible (since we had such crazy weather this year). We went to Canobie Lake Park (2 times), we went to Strawberry Banke, we went to York Animal Kingdom, we went to some of the various lakes NH has to offer and down to Boston. I ventured to Vermont and we ventured to Maine together. We did so much this summer it was great....couldn't have asked for a better time with my baby.

First ride all by himself (first trip to Canobie)

Camdon on the train at Canobie (second trip to Canobie)

Horse swing at Strawberry Banke (we went on one of the hottest days)

Climbing the tree fort (freaking out when he got to the top and refused to climb down)

Checking out the Alligators at York Animal Kingdom

Posing with grandma in the tree at York

Getting ready to go on the paddle boats with mama at York.

Taking a boat ride looking at all the ducks.

Missing.....Reward Offered

I am searching for a woman.....not just any woman though. I am searching for myself and am having a very difficult time finding me lately. I have been physically around but not emotionally or mentally. I have an APB out and am even offering a reward to the person who can find me again since being missing is taking a toll on my life.....A BIG TOLL!
I have lost my motivation and ambition for day to day tasks. I have lost my patience in life in general. I feel like I am loosing my mind and I don't like this feeling.....I don't like the feeling of complete and total chaos in my life. I know that only time will heal. I know that it will get better, but it just SUCKS right now!
I have been putting on a smile lately just to get thru the day. I have been pretending to care while I am at work and hoping that no one knows I am really just empty inside. My life is not where I pictured it to be at this point in my life. My life is not what I envisioned....but this is my life and this is how I decided it be. I am the one that makes the choices in my life and I am the one that needs to deal with them.
Life is just so overrated!!!

Whirlwind

My life has been a complete whirlwind lately and I am not sure if that is part of my frustration or if something else deep down is just festering. I feel like I have been so busy the past couple of months but honestly can't tell you what I have been busy doing. It is summer time and I feel like it is just another day of another month. We haven't been able to do much with the weather we have been having or with the week or so we were out of commission due to Camdon's freak sickness. It is almost August 1 and the time is just flying by. I haven't had a chance to actually enjoy myself and feel like we are constantly going going going or just busy with other commitments that we haven't had time to just relax and do what we want (or just what I want to do).

I have been really frustrated lately. Frustrated with life in general and nothing in particular. I am finding myself short tempered with things and taking things a little too serious. I am taking what people are saying to heart and that isn't good. I feel burnt out and I am just grasping the edge of the cliff. I need to have "me" time, but when you are a single parent "me" time is a hard thing to have.

Work is crazy busy, which I won't complain because I have a job, but it is also taking a toll on my patience and I am not liking the person I am becoming. I feel so distant from everyone and am constantly feeling like I have no time in the day for anything. I need to take my life back and stop dwelling on it all. There are people out there who have it worse off and I need to keep remembering that on a daily basis.

This week at work, one of the companies in my building hosted a Make a Wish child. I had never been to a party or seen a Make a Wish event, so I have to tell you that I had goosebumps the whole time I was eating lunch in the cafeteria. It made take a step back and realize that my life isn't that bad. My life could be worse off. My life could consist of having an incurable illness with myself or my child. My life could consist of being homeless or having my child taken from me. My life could be way worse off and it isn't, which I am truly grateful for!!!

Times are tough for everyone right now. The economy isn't very well and it just isn't getting better or so it seems. People are having to cut back on many things, which means that people are constantly being let go, which brings us to more cutbacks and more job losses. When is this cycle going to end? What happens to those that are losing everything? What happens when times do turn around? These people aren't getting things back that they HAD to give up. People aren't going to instantly be back on their feet. This is truly a scary time for everyone! It is sad that people are loosing their homes, cable, phones, cars, etc and are embarrassed that it is happening.....but what is happening to you is probably happening to at least 1 other person you know.

Camdon is talking up a storm.....I am thinking by the time the speech therapist calls for Camdon to go get checked he won't need it and will pass with flying colors. I am still in disbelief that we are on a 6 month waiting list and were number 75 when I called back in May. Potty training is going so well. We are 100% potty trained and I am loving it. Bed time has gone accident free (knocking on wood) and if he does have to go he actually wakes up to go. Last night around 130 am Camdon woke up to go potty (he typically sleeps thru the night), we went downstairs to pee and right back to bed. I am so proud of my little man for all his accomplishments recently (and in his 3 years on this earth).

Funky

Gosh it has been a while since the last post I did....this week has been so hectic and today is just not my day. I am in a horrible funk today and everything just isn't going my way as the day progresses.

I snapped at a friend today but stopped quick enough before I said something hurtful and that I would later regret (which I don't regret anything it just makes me who I am.....today would have been a lie on that one).

Positive for the day....Camdon is officially wearing big boy underwear and no more Pull Ups. I am super excited for him and very proud of him. Potty training wasn't that bad (a few days past 2 months). It was great when I just went to Walmart and didn't have to pick up any diapers/Pull Ups/Wipes.....such a money saver.

Life has been busy lately....haven't had time to even upload pictures from our day trips we have been taking, maybe I will get to that tonight or tomorrow.

Not Me! Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to http://www.mycharmingkids.net" to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

The weather in New England has been so crazy this summer, so when we had a hail storm on Tuesday I did not yell and think "Thank God my car is parked in the basement" while I was at work. Golf size hail balls falling wouldn't do that much damage to the cars in the parking lot, would they? Hahahaha.

Our company has a softball team in a area league. Camdon and I try to get to all the games since they are local and it is something outdoors to do, plus support my team. Tuesday they had a game and at the end I said that we would be grilling on Thursday since there was so many left over hot dogs and hamburgers from another event. I did not not bring the hot dogs and hamburgers to the game on Thursday to grill. I would never tell the guys we would have food and then not feed them when I was suppose to, that is just plain mean.

I did not have to take a dead bird out of the space between the bottom of my windshield and the hood when going to pick up takeout Chinese. I did not hit the bird, the bird actually hit my windshield as if it were committing suicide (that is the truth). I then did not use 5 baby wipes to grab it by the wing and throw it in the woods (wipes included). It would have been very sad if I actually had to do that and probably would have skeeved me out.

I did not get super excited when my son told me he had to poop and actually did in the potty today. That would mean we are actually making progress and almost completely done with diapers/Pull Ups. :-) I also did not allow Camdon to run around with no Pull Up or Underwear on to help know that he is really ready for big boy underwear. Who would let their child run around camo?

I also did not have my child pee in the woods while we were watching one of my company softball games this week. You just don't use the woods to go the bathroom when there is no place else to go......right?

On such a beautiful day, finally, I did not run thru the sprinkler with my son to cool off a little. What grown adult would do such a childish manuever.

I did not collaborate with my friend and her sister in law on how to throw my friend's husband in the pool without us going in. We also did not succeed in getting him in there, with only one of us going in with him (his wife). If I did such a thing I definitly wouldn't go to the Pier with them tomorrow in fear that he may try to throw me into the ocean.

What did you not do this week that you want to fess up to?

Not Me! Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

Not Me! Monday was born out of MckMama's desire to admit some of her imperfections and reveal a few moments she'd rather forget. You may find it therapeutic to join in and do the same thing!

I did not look in my rear view mirror to see a car with blue lights flashing flying up behind me. This car with flashing blue lights did not also stop behind me when I pulled to the side of the road. I would never get pulled over for speeding, nope not me, I am always sticking with what the speed limit signs say.

I was not disappointed when my mother called sobbing that she needed me to get her a plane ticket home early. I love her and would never get upset when my mini vacation was cut short because she needed to come back from her journey across the US.

I did not get all stressed out because Camdon had his speech therapy evaluation. I mean I am the perfect parent and any issues he may have are not due to anything I do. I also didn't feel as if a 100lbs was lifted off my shoulders when the therapists informed me that Camdon was speaking at an age range older than what he is.

Aloha Friday

Welcome to this week’s edition of Aloha Friday.

In Hawaii, Aloha Friday is the day that Hawaiians take it easy and look forward to the weekend. So I thought that on Fridays I would take it easy on posting, too.

Therefore, I’ll focus on what we have planned for the weekend and end by asking a simple question for you to answer. Nothing that requires a lengthy response.

This week is my long weekend week. Every other week I get Friday off so it gives Camdon and I another day to spend together.

Friday, July 10th

Today is actually sunny! I am going to go get ready and head out the door with little man. I am not sure where we are going to go, but some place outdoors seems about right. Our Friday is usually just a low key day where we hang around or do errands. I am going to work on his potty training today too, since he has been staying dry in his Pull Up this week.

Saturday, July 11th

We have a 1st birthday party to go to. One of my close friends, and Camdon's sitter, daughters is turning 1 so we are going over to their house for a big bash. The kids get to go in the pools and the slip and slide. We all get to make ice cream sundae's and just celebrate in "baby's" 1st birthday.

Sunday, July 12th

The Tall Ships are coming to Boston (they actually arrived yesterday). I was thinking that we would drive down there and we could go to the Piers and check out the big ships. I am super excited and can't wait. These ships are ginormous and have sailed all over the world. They are the same type of ships (if not the real ships) that sailed the world hundreds of years ago.

The weather better cooperate this weekend. We have so many outdoor things planned. The weather hasn't been cooperating for the first half of this summer so I am praying it starts to cooperate now.

So now my question......

What types of things do you do when it isn't so nice outside?

Camdon and I watch movies together, paint, play dough, or venture to the mall or indoor playground.

If you’d like to participate, just post your own question on your blog and leave your response below. Don’t forget to visit the other participants! It’s a great way to make new bloggy friends!