Take a step back

““Live your life as though there is great joy to be experienced......an abundance of goodness in each person you come in contact with, and the knowledge that you have enough inner wisdom to answer the mysteries thatchallenge you.”

~ Meladee McCarty

Every now and again I think everyone needs to take a step back and remember that what they have in life is a gift. I think people take things in life for granted far too much and fail to remember that others may not be as fortunate as them. I am not saying that I am perfect and that I am always right, because I too need to be reminded that I have many precious gifts that not all others have in life. I may not have my own home, I may not have all the new things in techonology out there, I may not have all the money in the world...but what I do have is my health, my son/family and my pride. I have a roof over my head. I have a job that brings in the money for the bills. I have food to put on the table. I have clothes to keep me warm. I have a child who I am oh so grateful for and can't imagine life without. I have far more than others have and am grateful for everything.

Recently there was an 18 year old male who was in the news. His name is Taylor aka Teddy and he was found dead one morning at the beginning of Dec. I am not a friend of the family, I honestly don't know them but this story was in the paper and for some reason it just hit home. This poor family just lost their child. They will no longer be able to talk to him, hear him, see him and taht is just rather sad to me. This family had the "rug pulled out from under them" that morning and how do you overcome such a tragedy?

Two years ago another families life was interuppted when their 8 year old passed due to a horrific accident at home. Jaiden feel off some snowy steps and into a working snowblower. Jaiden fought a good fight for 25 days but ended up succumbing to death. I, again, don't know this family either but was moved when I read the story 2 years ago and have followed the organization her family has put together in order to help others. How do you cotinue on when you have lost a child? How do you just go on with life?

I honestly can't imagine a day without my son. I can't imagine my life without him. I don't know if I would be able to go on if something were to ever happen to him. He is not only my son but he is my best friend. He is who makes my days go and who can ease my mind when it is troubled. My son is who helps me take a step back and remember that life isn't to complex and that things are a gift and not to take them for granted. Looking at life thru his eyes brings me back down and reminds me that life can be simple and easy, to take things minute by minute and along the way there are plenty of learning lessons.

"Don't take things for granted and hug your loved ones every chance you get"

~ Patrick Stump

Every year at work, I conduct an Operation Santa type of thing. We adopt families from a "non profit agency that is dedicated to helping victims and survivors of domestic and sexual violence". I take pride in helping familes during the holiday season have a brighter holiday and give them smiles that day. Coworkers are asked to either donate money (however much they are able to) or adopt a child. I collect the money and go shopping for all that were not adopted bt coworkers. Not only do I take pride in doing this, but I bring Camdon along with me to do shopping as a lesson that people aren't as fortunate as us and that is nice to help others. I don't want Camdon growing up not thinking of others and knowing that helping out and donating time, money or items is that right thing to do.

This year I also did the Thanksgiving food donation for the Nashua Soup Kitchen. I had boxes at the entraces of each seciton on my office for people to donate any can goods or non-perishable items they had to donate. I also collected money from those who didn't want to go to the grocery store. I took Camdon shopping with me, to teach him that not everyone has dinner on their table like we do, not everyone has food in their cabinets to eat like we do, not everyone is as fortunate as us. When Camdon gets older I plan on taking him with me to donate time once a month at the Soup Kitchen so that he can learn to not take everything for granted and be appreciative of everything he has.

Now a days it seems that kids are not being reminded that life is a gift and things are earned not just given to people. Kids now a days just expect that they will get the most up to date techonolgical advancements, they will get whatever they ask for and they won't hear the word NO from their parents. I was brought up by a single mom who taugh all of us that you get what you earn. Things were never handed to us on a silver platter and we had to do chores and work for the "finer" things in life. I do not want my child thinking that he should have everything and anything. I want him to learn that you need to work for things and that "toys" in life are not free. Things are expensive and everything costs something.

Isa 55:8: “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways”

Halloween 2009

Super Cam!
Tinkerbelle, Witch, Super Cam, Bumblebee

3 Best Friends

What a heavy bag full of candy (mind you he ate maybe 3 things out of there and I just threw it away).

Tired boy from all that Trick or Treating!!!

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas....

...even though it may not seem like it will be in less than 3 weeks. My shopping is done for Camdon, but I still have about 10 more people to buy for. Monday is not easy to come by right now...but I am doing what I have to do to make sure that Christmas will be fun for my little man and show him that it isn't all about presents but about being with the ones you love and grateful for what you do have in life. Yesterday into last night it snowed for the first, no wait make that the 2nd official time this season. The accumulation wasn't that bad to shovel and it wasn't too cold out, this is the type of snowfalls I like......just enough to cover the ground and look beautiful but not too much to make it a hassle to clean up from. Camdon is really into playing outside this year and was super excited that his boots from last year still fit this year so he could come outside and help me clean up the drive way and play in the snow.

Soda, Pop, Tonic, Fizzy Drinks

Communication is a staple item in our every day activities. No matter where you are or what you are doing, there is some sort of communication. It could be verbal (English, Spanish, French, etc), sign language, code language, etc. The worlds you are using could be slang or proper, they could have an accent to someone and not to others. Depending on where you go, depends on how people say things. In New England we call "Coke" soda. In Pennsylvania they call it pop and in other parts of the US it is called tonic. Australia, amongst other places in the world, calls it fizzy drinks.

When we have children we are the ones that have to teach them how to act, how to say things, how to use things, etc. You hope and pray that you do an amazing job teaching them and that they pick things up without a single problem. I never would have guessed that my child at the age of 3 wasn't speaking at the level he should be, or so I thought. At Camdon's 3 year check up I was referred to take him to get a speech evaluation by his pediatrician. Because I like to be proactive and not reactive I decided why not go and see what they have to say. I would rather work on any problems now than to have to correct anything when he is in elementary school and having difficulties.

Tuesday, October 6th Camdon had his 2 hour speech evaluation. I was absolutely petrified to go, I just didn't want them to say his speech issue is due to my parenting (which I knew wasn't what they would say, but still you never want to hear your child's "issue" is due to your parenting). I was scared that Camdon wouldn't talk when we got there and he would just clam up and attach himself to my hip. Camdon did just the opposite, he was comfortable and cooperative for the most part. He did well during the evaluation and worked with the therapist. After spending a little over an hour there the therapist concluded that Camdon, who is 3 years 5 months, is speaking at a 3 year 11 month boy level. I was so relieved that he was speaking in an average rating and that he doesn't have to continue with speech therapy.

I received a copy of the evaluation in the mail yesterday and am pleased to read what she put in there and relieved that I have it all in writing. My child may not speak the clearest words right now, but for the most part you can understand him and each day I see improvements in his speech.

Planning isn't always the way to go

Is your husband....(fill in the blank)?

Why is it that people always assume that if you have a child you are automatically married? I totally understand that the "proper" way to start a family is to get married, get a house and have children. Realistically it doesn't always happen like that. Life isn't always a fairy tale and things happen to make the "perfect" life not so "perfect".

I didn't plan my life to be the way it is. I did not plan on meeting a guy at a bar (which at first we didn't really like each other at all and only talked because our friends were interested in each other). I didn't plan on getting in a relationship with what I thought was a great guy with my son's father. I didn't plan on getting pregnant unexpectedly. I didn't plan on having to go thru my pregnancy alone because my father's son was either "out with friends" or in jail towards the end. I did not plan on living the drama life I lived while with my son's father. I did not plan on being a single mom with no help whats so ever. I did not plan!

I may not have planned any of the things that happened to me in my life these past few years, but I would NOT change any of them for anything. I may not have planned any of these things BUT I did choose them in the end. I did choose to have a relationship (not such a good one but I always held hope). I did choose to keep MY baby when I found out I was pregnant. I did choose to stand by my son's father thru all the cheating, lying, drugs, alcohol, jail, etc heartache I was put thru. I did choose to finally one day wake up walk away from a situation that wasn't healthy for not only my life BUT most importantly MY sons life. I made the decision to do this parenting thing on my own!

I am not married! I am not embarrassed by the fact that I am doing this ALONE! I am not jealous of what "I don't have". I am not part of the perfect life, but my life is my life and I wouldn't have it any other way. I wouldn't be the person I am today if I didn't go thru the challenges I have faced. I would not appreciate my life and what I have as much as I do if I didn't have to struggle and work for all that I have.

My son is MY life. My son is a product of MY life. I am the one who has gone thru the ear infections, the colds, the long nights, the burned hands, the lack of sleep and all that comes with having a child. I am the one that gets to see my son smile, learn things and feel the love that he has to give.

Please stop assuming that when there is a child involved that there is automatically a husband/wife. Please just know that this child you are looking at is getting the best life that he can be given and who is loved more than anyone will ever know. Please know that this child gets everything he needs in his life and more. Please know that this child you are staring at has so many people (men and women) there for him that he will never be without.

Please know there is not a day that goes by that I do not worry if walking away was the best decision I made. There is not a day that goes by that I don't worry about what my son will think when he gets older. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about the day that my son stops me and wants to know why everyone else has a mom and dad. There is not a day that goes by that I am not having some sort of thought about my son's future because of the chooses I made running thru my head. Some may not agree with the decisions I made, however they are the one's I made and I am the one that has to be able to sleep at night with them (which I can).

I am the lucky one because I have MY son in MY life (and I tell him that all the time....so much that now when we are in the car he says to me "Mama you are lucky" and I say "Why am I lucky?" in which he responds "because you have me in your life"). My life may not be the way I planned it to be, but sometimes things happen for a certain reason and I am happy they do.

Not Me! Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

Are you ashamed for getting excited to have the house all to yourself for 2 weeks? Are you embarrassed that your child had a melt down at the grocery store when you were checking out? Are you hoping that while you sit with your hair all covered in dye that no one will come to your door? Well don't be! Not Me! Monday was born out of MckMama's desire to admit some of her imperfections and reveal a few moments she'd rather forget. You may find it therapeutic to join in and do the same thing!

I did not give my child donuts 2 days in a row because I wasn't in much of a mood to make him breakfast. Nope not me, I would never allow him to eat so unhealthy.

I did not listen to my pregnant friend and get her clothes for her shower from a consignment shop. I would never buy second hand (really adorable) clothes for a new born baby even if the mother asked me to.

I did not see someone at a store and totally go out of my way not to make contact with them. I would never be so rude and childish, even if the person would keep me talking forever about her pity party she is having.

I did not act childish and get all upset and hurt when I received a text this morning, come to find out it was sent by someone else by mistake. I wouldn't get so upset when I am just friends with this person and have no expectations of anything else.

I did not turn about 8 shades of red when I was asked how tall my husband was (when trying to figure out where Camdon gets his height). I would never feel like I was a deer caught in headlights when asked that question because I am not embarrassed to be a single mom. I would never feel as if I am the ONLY one in this world that has a child without being married, because that just doesn't happen these days. (I am proud to be a single mom and have as much as I have. It isn't an easy task but I am grateful for my son and what I have accomplished the past 4 years).

Trust

I have the worst case of NOT trusting people. Sadly it isn't just men that I don't trust....it is everyone. I have been hurt by so many people in my life that I just don't trust people and have the hardest time allowing anyone in. Every time I am ready to let my wall down, I seem to get hurt by another individual in this world and it ruins chances for everyone. I know this is an issue with any type of relationship I will have in my life, especially with any guys that enter my life. I think now that I have a son, allowing people in is so much harder for me than it was when I was a single childless female. I am not only scared of myself getting hurt, but I am petrified of my child learning hurt and disappointment this early in his life.
So now my question is.....how do I get over this? I have been this way for so long in my life that I don't know what to do to make this change. I guess you could say I take things too personal and that doesn't help the situation either, but there has to be a way to overcome this right? I fear that if I don't learn how to trust people I will never find anyone and I will be alone for the rest of my life.
I was asked a few weeks ago what my fears were. At first I said nothing, I really couldn't think of anything that scared me, but for some reason this question has been surrounding me on a daily basis. The more I think of it the more I have realized that I truly fear being alone. I don't like being alone at night, I don't like being alone during the day and I don't like the thought that I may be alone for the rest of my life. I have enjoyed being single and focusing on my son (still do enjoy it), but I now fear that I will never find someone (not that I am searching) to be with/in my life and most importantly my sons life.
I look around and see all most my friends who are married with families and I want that. I want that for myself and for my son. I want a male to be in my sons life who is a good role model, who is responsible and enjoys spending time with him (don't get me wrong I have plenty of great guys for Camdon to look up to, but I want 1 in OUR life). I want a male that loves us the way my friends husbands love them and their children.....but having a trust issue isn't going to get me that, is it?

I'm just saying....

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we may not know what that reason is when it happens, sometimes it may take longer than we want to figure it out, and sometimes it is a sign of some sort or another. Everything that happens just makes us stronger and molds us to be who we are as human beings. They always say that things happen when you aren't trying so hard or looking for it. That is true in so many parts of my life and my life just got struck by it again in the past 2 months or so. I don't want to jinx myself so I will have to blog about it another time.

Curve balls are thrown at us and I see 2 different options of what you can do when that happens....you can either catch the ball and throw it back or you can let it hit you and knock you down. I use to let the curve ball hit me and knock me down, and down I would always fall. Sometimes the fall was harder and deeper than others, but nonetheless I would fall. Once I became a mom I began trying to catch the ball, mind you I am deathly afraid of getting hit with a real ball, and as time has passed I have been getting better and better at catching and throwing it back. I am a lot stronger as a person now then I was just a year ago and I am growing stronger each day, for not only my life but my son's future.

Life is a precious gift handed to us and it shouldn't be taken for granted. Each breath we take, each morning we wake up, each time we smile/cry/laugh, each time we watch/hang out with our loved ones is a gift given to us. There is nothing that states we are guaranteed to have these luxuries in life. It is funny how some people feel as if the world owes them something or that they are the privileged ones and the silver platter should always be handed to them. I have always been brought up that nothing in the world is free and you need to work for what you want in life. I am happy I was brought up this way as I am more appreciative of what I have in life. With that conclusion, I most certainly will bring my son up like that. I mean don't get me wrong, periodically things were given to me and I am grateful for those things just as much as what I have earned, but I know that I am not owed anything in life and that the silver platter is only for serving tea and crumpets :-)

No one is perfect! If we were all perfect, the world would be a boring place. If we were all the same, things would be dull. Differences between each and everyone of us is what makes the world such a remarkable place to live it. There is a variety of people out there, a variety of life. Having similarities and differences in a relationship is what makes it work, or so I think.

My life has been a whirlwind lately, a whirlwind I have been enjoying. My life as a single mom has been mad crazy this summer with a very active 3 year old. We were outside being adventurous as much as possible (since we had such crazy weather this year). We went to Canobie Lake Park (2 times), we went to Strawberry Banke, we went to York Animal Kingdom, we went to some of the various lakes NH has to offer and down to Boston. I ventured to Vermont and we ventured to Maine together. We did so much this summer it was great....couldn't have asked for a better time with my baby.

First ride all by himself (first trip to Canobie)

Camdon on the train at Canobie (second trip to Canobie)

Horse swing at Strawberry Banke (we went on one of the hottest days)

Climbing the tree fort (freaking out when he got to the top and refused to climb down)

Checking out the Alligators at York Animal Kingdom

Posing with grandma in the tree at York

Getting ready to go on the paddle boats with mama at York.

Taking a boat ride looking at all the ducks.

Missing.....Reward Offered

I am searching for a woman.....not just any woman though. I am searching for myself and am having a very difficult time finding me lately. I have been physically around but not emotionally or mentally. I have an APB out and am even offering a reward to the person who can find me again since being missing is taking a toll on my life.....A BIG TOLL!
I have lost my motivation and ambition for day to day tasks. I have lost my patience in life in general. I feel like I am loosing my mind and I don't like this feeling.....I don't like the feeling of complete and total chaos in my life. I know that only time will heal. I know that it will get better, but it just SUCKS right now!
I have been putting on a smile lately just to get thru the day. I have been pretending to care while I am at work and hoping that no one knows I am really just empty inside. My life is not where I pictured it to be at this point in my life. My life is not what I envisioned....but this is my life and this is how I decided it be. I am the one that makes the choices in my life and I am the one that needs to deal with them.
Life is just so overrated!!!

Whirlwind

My life has been a complete whirlwind lately and I am not sure if that is part of my frustration or if something else deep down is just festering. I feel like I have been so busy the past couple of months but honestly can't tell you what I have been busy doing. It is summer time and I feel like it is just another day of another month. We haven't been able to do much with the weather we have been having or with the week or so we were out of commission due to Camdon's freak sickness. It is almost August 1 and the time is just flying by. I haven't had a chance to actually enjoy myself and feel like we are constantly going going going or just busy with other commitments that we haven't had time to just relax and do what we want (or just what I want to do).

I have been really frustrated lately. Frustrated with life in general and nothing in particular. I am finding myself short tempered with things and taking things a little too serious. I am taking what people are saying to heart and that isn't good. I feel burnt out and I am just grasping the edge of the cliff. I need to have "me" time, but when you are a single parent "me" time is a hard thing to have.

Work is crazy busy, which I won't complain because I have a job, but it is also taking a toll on my patience and I am not liking the person I am becoming. I feel so distant from everyone and am constantly feeling like I have no time in the day for anything. I need to take my life back and stop dwelling on it all. There are people out there who have it worse off and I need to keep remembering that on a daily basis.

This week at work, one of the companies in my building hosted a Make a Wish child. I had never been to a party or seen a Make a Wish event, so I have to tell you that I had goosebumps the whole time I was eating lunch in the cafeteria. It made take a step back and realize that my life isn't that bad. My life could be worse off. My life could consist of having an incurable illness with myself or my child. My life could consist of being homeless or having my child taken from me. My life could be way worse off and it isn't, which I am truly grateful for!!!

Times are tough for everyone right now. The economy isn't very well and it just isn't getting better or so it seems. People are having to cut back on many things, which means that people are constantly being let go, which brings us to more cutbacks and more job losses. When is this cycle going to end? What happens to those that are losing everything? What happens when times do turn around? These people aren't getting things back that they HAD to give up. People aren't going to instantly be back on their feet. This is truly a scary time for everyone! It is sad that people are loosing their homes, cable, phones, cars, etc and are embarrassed that it is happening.....but what is happening to you is probably happening to at least 1 other person you know.

Camdon is talking up a storm.....I am thinking by the time the speech therapist calls for Camdon to go get checked he won't need it and will pass with flying colors. I am still in disbelief that we are on a 6 month waiting list and were number 75 when I called back in May. Potty training is going so well. We are 100% potty trained and I am loving it. Bed time has gone accident free (knocking on wood) and if he does have to go he actually wakes up to go. Last night around 130 am Camdon woke up to go potty (he typically sleeps thru the night), we went downstairs to pee and right back to bed. I am so proud of my little man for all his accomplishments recently (and in his 3 years on this earth).

Funky

Gosh it has been a while since the last post I did....this week has been so hectic and today is just not my day. I am in a horrible funk today and everything just isn't going my way as the day progresses.

I snapped at a friend today but stopped quick enough before I said something hurtful and that I would later regret (which I don't regret anything it just makes me who I am.....today would have been a lie on that one).

Positive for the day....Camdon is officially wearing big boy underwear and no more Pull Ups. I am super excited for him and very proud of him. Potty training wasn't that bad (a few days past 2 months). It was great when I just went to Walmart and didn't have to pick up any diapers/Pull Ups/Wipes.....such a money saver.

Life has been busy lately....haven't had time to even upload pictures from our day trips we have been taking, maybe I will get to that tonight or tomorrow.

Not Me! Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to http://www.mycharmingkids.net" to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

The weather in New England has been so crazy this summer, so when we had a hail storm on Tuesday I did not yell and think "Thank God my car is parked in the basement" while I was at work. Golf size hail balls falling wouldn't do that much damage to the cars in the parking lot, would they? Hahahaha.

Our company has a softball team in a area league. Camdon and I try to get to all the games since they are local and it is something outdoors to do, plus support my team. Tuesday they had a game and at the end I said that we would be grilling on Thursday since there was so many left over hot dogs and hamburgers from another event. I did not not bring the hot dogs and hamburgers to the game on Thursday to grill. I would never tell the guys we would have food and then not feed them when I was suppose to, that is just plain mean.

I did not have to take a dead bird out of the space between the bottom of my windshield and the hood when going to pick up takeout Chinese. I did not hit the bird, the bird actually hit my windshield as if it were committing suicide (that is the truth). I then did not use 5 baby wipes to grab it by the wing and throw it in the woods (wipes included). It would have been very sad if I actually had to do that and probably would have skeeved me out.

I did not get super excited when my son told me he had to poop and actually did in the potty today. That would mean we are actually making progress and almost completely done with diapers/Pull Ups. :-) I also did not allow Camdon to run around with no Pull Up or Underwear on to help know that he is really ready for big boy underwear. Who would let their child run around camo?

I also did not have my child pee in the woods while we were watching one of my company softball games this week. You just don't use the woods to go the bathroom when there is no place else to go......right?

On such a beautiful day, finally, I did not run thru the sprinkler with my son to cool off a little. What grown adult would do such a childish manuever.

I did not collaborate with my friend and her sister in law on how to throw my friend's husband in the pool without us going in. We also did not succeed in getting him in there, with only one of us going in with him (his wife). If I did such a thing I definitly wouldn't go to the Pier with them tomorrow in fear that he may try to throw me into the ocean.

What did you not do this week that you want to fess up to?

Not Me! Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

Not Me! Monday was born out of MckMama's desire to admit some of her imperfections and reveal a few moments she'd rather forget. You may find it therapeutic to join in and do the same thing!

I did not look in my rear view mirror to see a car with blue lights flashing flying up behind me. This car with flashing blue lights did not also stop behind me when I pulled to the side of the road. I would never get pulled over for speeding, nope not me, I am always sticking with what the speed limit signs say.

I was not disappointed when my mother called sobbing that she needed me to get her a plane ticket home early. I love her and would never get upset when my mini vacation was cut short because she needed to come back from her journey across the US.

I did not get all stressed out because Camdon had his speech therapy evaluation. I mean I am the perfect parent and any issues he may have are not due to anything I do. I also didn't feel as if a 100lbs was lifted off my shoulders when the therapists informed me that Camdon was speaking at an age range older than what he is.

Aloha Friday

Welcome to this week’s edition of Aloha Friday.

In Hawaii, Aloha Friday is the day that Hawaiians take it easy and look forward to the weekend. So I thought that on Fridays I would take it easy on posting, too.

Therefore, I’ll focus on what we have planned for the weekend and end by asking a simple question for you to answer. Nothing that requires a lengthy response.

This week is my long weekend week. Every other week I get Friday off so it gives Camdon and I another day to spend together.

Friday, July 10th

Today is actually sunny! I am going to go get ready and head out the door with little man. I am not sure where we are going to go, but some place outdoors seems about right. Our Friday is usually just a low key day where we hang around or do errands. I am going to work on his potty training today too, since he has been staying dry in his Pull Up this week.

Saturday, July 11th

We have a 1st birthday party to go to. One of my close friends, and Camdon's sitter, daughters is turning 1 so we are going over to their house for a big bash. The kids get to go in the pools and the slip and slide. We all get to make ice cream sundae's and just celebrate in "baby's" 1st birthday.

Sunday, July 12th

The Tall Ships are coming to Boston (they actually arrived yesterday). I was thinking that we would drive down there and we could go to the Piers and check out the big ships. I am super excited and can't wait. These ships are ginormous and have sailed all over the world. They are the same type of ships (if not the real ships) that sailed the world hundreds of years ago.

The weather better cooperate this weekend. We have so many outdoor things planned. The weather hasn't been cooperating for the first half of this summer so I am praying it starts to cooperate now.

So now my question......

What types of things do you do when it isn't so nice outside?

Camdon and I watch movies together, paint, play dough, or venture to the mall or indoor playground.

If you’d like to participate, just post your own question on your blog and leave your response below. Don’t forget to visit the other participants! It’s a great way to make new bloggy friends!

Chugging right along....

I haven't posted lately on how potty training is going, I guess now is as good of a time as any. I am really proud of my little man....he is just chugging along on the potty training train. Today is only Thursday and I have received 2 emails this week (different days too) at work from Jen, the sitter, telling me that Camdon has pooped on the potty. WAY TO GO LITTLE MAN!!! I am so proud of him. His Pull Up has been dry for the most part lately and he is even telling me when he has to go pee. My little baby is growing up.

I started this task back on my vacation in May....it was May 15th to be exact. I knew it was going to take some time, hoping it would be a few day process and painless, but I didn't realize it was going to be this quick. For most people I know that have potty trained, boys and girls, it has been a pretty lengthy experience. I was praying that Camdon would be completely potty trained by the end of summer. I know I still have time and I am far from rushing or pushing him to do this.....but in the same aspect, I really don't want to buy anymore Pull Ups or wipes. I am running low on both and do not want to have to spend more money on these.

Tomorrow I have "off". I am working for a few hours in the morning, so while we are home I am going to have Camdon run around with nothing on his bottom half except for his PJ pants since it is rather chilly tonight. I am also debating on putting big boy underwear on him tomorrow so he can get use to that. I figure if he stays without a Pull Up on it will reinforce to him that he has to use the potty and can't go in his PJ's. This weekend is a little busy with a 1st bday party and I was hoping to go to Boston on Sunday, so while we are home I will have him Pull Up less and go from there.

So last night after dinner, we went to Target. As we are walking around Camdon starts doing the "pee pee" dance and kept asking "hold me". I knew he hadn't pooped all day so I was very eager to get him on the potty when the time came. The carriage had stuff in it and I just couldn't take his "dancing" anymore even though he was saying he didn't have to go, so I told him we were running to the bathroom. We get there and he says....."no pee pee". Uh sorry my friend I don't think so, lets just try. Well he didn't go. So we went back to shopping and I went back to having an eagle eye. Well we get to the other end of the store and Camdon decides that now is the time to say "Momma I have to pee pee". Okay buddy lets go....and we RUN to the other side of the store for him to say "no pee pee". I was so frustrated that we just ran across the store that he had to try again....and nothing. So we go back to finding Grandma who is shopping and 2 minutes later "Momma I have to pee pee". So I say "Camdon...do you really have to go because we have already tried twice?" and he says "UH NO". I guess it is just a game to him.

A game it is....hahahaha. Every time we go to one of my company's softball games lately he says he has to pee. I am not a fan of port-a-potties, but figured I would see if he would go a few weeks back....NOPE. I then tried to get him to go in the woody area where no one would see him....NOPE. So we are at the game Monday and he has to pee, so I take him in the woods (after about 3 other attempts) and he finally goes in the woods. YIPPEE!!! So tonight we are at the game and he tells me he has to pee, we walk over to the woods and he goes. He is getting it...he is figuring it all out. Well he then tells me he has to poop.....uhhhhh okay lets go to the woods (hesitantly). So we walk into the woods and I pull down his pants and Pull Up.....he tried going but nothing came out (in which I was happy because I wasn't prepared at all for this event).

Camdon is chugging along. Momma is proud of her little man. Potty training is shaping up and life is moving forward.

Thousand Words Thursday

Every Thursday I am going to post a picture that is powerful, that expresses emotion, and speaks volumes to me. Here's one that is worth a thousand words.

He has since gotten rid of his binky, but this was Christmas Eve while he was waiting for Santa to stop by and is the background on my blackberry.

Wednesdays Walk

Last week I stopped at the day I found out I was pregnant...so now I will continue on from there.

DISCLAIMER: This is not a very good story, kind of depressing sad and does contain events that most people don't choose to go through in their lives. This is the way my life WAS and is in no way, shape or form how my life currently is.

I decided that I was going to continue with my gut decision no matter how hard it was going to be and how much I am going to have to give up. Sleeping Beauty and I had ended it at that point and we were going our separate ways.

I decided to tell Sleeping Beauty, who at this point has run away from the situation, that I was keeping the baby. He did not like my decision and decided to tell me that I wasn't thinking about what he wants and that it is unfair that I am not taking his thoughts into my decision. I didn't really care too much that day since I knew he wasn't going to be around for this. A few days later he called me up and wanted to talk about this. I left work for a little bit so we could go talk in private. When we got to my house he asked if this is truly what I wanted (to keep the baby). I responded with yes, this was my final decision and that is what I am not changing it. I also informed him that I made this decision with the complete understanding it was MY choice and that he didn't need to be a part of this if he didn't want to be. He then told me that if this was truly what I wanted then he wanted to be a family and was going to do what he had to to make it work (gullible me believed that).

Sleeping Beauty and I started hanging out again and talking and being a couple. Things were actually starting to look up for once and our family was being to be. A few days pass and SLAM right into the wall. Life was back to what it was before and Sleeping Beauty was back to all his tricks; staying out late, cheating on me with a new girl each night/week, not coming home, drinking, drugs, lying, etc. Most people think it is easy to leave in a situation like that....but not for me. When you are pregnant your hormones are all over the place, and me being me....well I am the type of person that sees good in all and is always helping others who need to be helped. I was going to be the one to fix him and make him all better. He was going to realize that the baby and I were what he needed and POOF he would be the perfect man. Well ladies and gentlemen, my wound apparently was broken because each time I went Abracadabra the opposite thing would happen but I never saw that until now.

We started fighting, me basically I was fighting for my family and he was basically fighting for who knows what the life he was living. I would keep allowing him back into my life each and every time he did something to hurt me. I was always under the belief that this is the time he is going to realize what he is missing....this is it. He always knew what to say to win me back and he always knew what to say to hurt me and break my heart each time.

So basically 4 months pass of this, 4 months of us getting a long for a week of so and then fighting horribly. We found out we were having a boy at this point and we were back to living together. Hey that was a step in the right direction of being a family....RIGHT? Wrong, it was just so he could have a place to stay.

Are you ready for the good fun part?

One night at the end of February I received a phone call in the middle of the night, not really anything different as I was usually woken up with a phone call or a few stones being thrown at the window to let him in. This phone call was different though...it was from a PRIVATE number so I let it go to voicemail. I listened to the message instantly and this is what I heard "Hello this is Blank from the Manchester Police Department, we recently recovered a vehicle registered to you and need you to call us back". UH WHAT HAPPENED TONIGHT? So I call back and talk to the police officer/detective and am was asked if I had lent anyone my vehicle and I said yes it was lent to my boyfriends friend (since Sleeping Beauty had a suspended drivers license). They then asked if I knew someone named George and I had said no I had lent the vehicle to a kid we will call S. Well apparently the person driving the truck had left a local bar in Manchester and was sitting at a red light waiting to turn green. The driver squealed the tires and then hit the curb and bounced back into the road so the police stopped the vehicle. The person driving, George, was asked to do some sobriety tests and failed them. The driver was also asked numerous times what his name was and he kept telling them it was George XXXX, just like the id showed. The cops didn't believe him and put him in the patty wagon to go to the police station. S, the friend was let go and was told to go find a phone to make his call for a ride. The police eventually figured out that George was really Sleeping Beauty...NICE HUH!?

So sleeping Beauty was able to make his one phone call and he called me. He wasn't being released because he was on probation still and broke that by driving while intoxicated, using a false ID, etc. So now the father of my baby is sitting in jail and I would be attending my very first (of many) court appearances for this. I needed to attend so I could find out what was going on and what my future was now going to be looking like. Well Sleeping Beauty ended up going to jail because his bail was being held and for 2 months straight I visited him every Monday morning at 8 am. We were able to have phone calls, since I set an account up and had to keep putting money into, that were only to last 10 minutes and daily letters were sent. This was one of the most stressful times of my pregnancy but it was also a relief knowing where he was each and every night (that was the part that I enjoyed the most).

At my next appointment the doctor informed me of a finding during the ultrasound, basically they found a spot on the babies diaphragm area and needed to do some further checking into this. They would need to schedule another ultrasound to check it out....GREAT I am dealing with jail and a possible complication with my son's life, my world was falling apart as I knew it. I went to the ultra sound a wreck, worried and nervous. With the 2nd ultrasound they found that it was a calcification. This can be a sign of Cystic Fibrosis and they wanted to monitor this to see if it would change as the pregnancy went along or if it stayed the same. In order to be sure it wasn't Cystic Fibrosis they needed to keep monitoring it.....so I had to schedule another ultra sound. During the 3rd ultrasound the doctor didn't see any change in the size, which is amazing since the baby was obviously growing inside me and the spot wasn't. He said that I should be in the free and clear and there was no reason to have another ultra sound done. PHEW, what a relief but it wouldn't be out of my mind until he was born and I saw it first hand.

1 week before Camdon's birth day was when it was realized that Sleeping Beauty couldn't be kept in jail and that bail had to be set (apparently it was a new law not everyone was aware of). So a court date was set yet again and bail was set at $20,000 in which his grandmother put up her house and then some to get him bailed out....because we both thought that he learned his lesson and being stuck in jail while I was pregnant with the chance of missing it all made him wake up. I am telling you he knows what to say to whom to get what he wants. About 3 days after being out of jail on bail, he is back to his old ways....staying out all night, hanging out with people he shouldn't be, drinking, etc. I was having contractions and actually sent him a text one night while he was out saying that and was told "you are fine."

The day he decided to come back again was May 8th. He stopped by my work for the key to the apartment (he was never given a key so he couldn't get in when he wanted). He was with his good old friend S and I told Sleeping Beauty that he better be at the house when I got home from work because we had a lot to talk about. I finished my day at the office, in which I was having contractions but I was 4 weeks away so I chalked them up to being braxtonhicks. I got home and he was still there with S, who I told needed to leave. We ended up talking and I basically told him that he needed to cut the junk he was doing or he could pack his stuff and leave. He decided that he was "done and just needed to get one more party out of the way and he had done that".

We ended up watching movies that night and I was trying to relax. We eventually went to sleep that night. I woke up in the middle of the night, just like you do when you are pregnant (one of the worse parts of being pregnant I think) and went in the bathroom to pee. I thought I was finished when there seemed to be more, very strange. I went back in the bedroom and woke Sleeping Beauty to tell him I think my water broke. He told me I was again fine and to go back to bed. I just knew something was wrong, so I stood up and WHOOSH a river was running down my legs. I called the doctor's office and started packing my bag since I still had 4 weeks to go. I couldn't think of what to pack and honestly did a HORRIBLE job at it, I forgot everything needed (toothbrush, deodorant, shampoo, etc).

Holy Moly this is a long post....I guess I will finish another day.

Drum Roll Please.......

The Honest Scrap award is given by other bloggers who consider a blog’s content or design to be brilliant. The awardee must then post ten honest things about themselves and pass the award on to other bloggers who fit the bill – in other words, whose blog is brilliant.

Here are the 10 honest things about me:

1. I am not perfect! (Yes it is in writing)
2. I am the momma to an amazing boy and don't know what I would do without him.
3. I love being a momma but sometimes miss the ability to just run to the store alone or sleep past 8 am.
4. I am a shopaholic.
5. I would love to meet Prince Charming and be able to live happily ever after.
6. I have a hard time trusting people.
7. I have 1 tattoo and am itching to get another one (just need the money).
8. Once I became a momma I forgot about me and still to this day don't think of me.
9. I am scared of being alone.
10. I have a bad habit of biting my nails and it drives me nuts!

The Honest Scrap Award Goes to.....

Simply Mel(Formerly Mama Monoblogs)

Cristin at The Life of a Mother and Son , who nominated me so she doesn't have to do it again.

Monica at Monica and Madison, who has also already been given this award and doesn't need to do it again.

Anais at Mama in Miami, who was also nominated by Cristin so she doesn't need to do it either.

Holy Hail

Summer weather in New England has been so strange this year. I honestly have to say this is the worse summer ever due to the weather (but it isn't stopping little man and I from having a good time). So for almost a month straight we had rain everyday, we got lucky and had sun shining for 3 days. Well today was suppose to be a rainy day, but not only was it rainy...it was chilly. Not only was it rainy and chilly....it hailed! Golf size hail balls fell from the sky this afternoon. It was crazy....crazy I tell you!

Man was I lucky that my car was parked in the garage at work and felt bad for all those people who don't have a spot down there. It was crazy to hear it hitting the windows at the office and to watch it bouncing off the cars and pavement. The hail then turned into downpours and very dark skies.

This wasn't from our storm as I couldn't get a picture, but this IS what it looks like.

So on top of the hail while at work today is this next story.....kinda funny though. So here I am sitting at my desk working. Now my desk is against windows, which I love. All of a sudden I hear THUMP and look up to see feathers floating all over the place. I was like what the heck!? I got up to see if I could see down the 5 stories and see a bird, but the bird must have snapped out of it and kept on flying. I mean did the bird not see the brick that separates the floors of our building. Crazy! I had to just sit there and shake my head while chuckling.

Camdon is still potty training. We have mastered the standing up and peeing part the challenge that just keeps facing us is the bowel movement portion. He just won't go on the potty for me. When I see him getting ready to go I rush him to the bathroom where he instantly doesn't have to go anymore. I still have him sit on the potty, in which turns into a crying scene. I have him sit there while I read, I have him sit there while I hold him, I have him sit there by himself and read....NOTHING! I have a bribe prize on top of the TV stand for when he goes....and he keeps asking for it, in which I have to respond when you go poop on the potty you can have it. I know one day he will get there. I think this weekend I am going to have him run around the house with no Pull Up on to see if that will help. I have to say it is frustrating, but I do keep reminding myself how far we have come in the last 45 days.

Not Me! Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to http://www.mycharmingkids.net" to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

After almost a month straight of rain and being inside all the time looking at the same 4 walls and toys, I was not loosing my patience with everything. Because I was not loosing my patience with everything I did not beg ask my mother to watch Camdon so I could have a night to myself with no little helpers or anyone to bother me. I never loose my patience and never need a break so I wouldn't beg for some time off.

I did not end up getting some drinks and going to the billiard with my nephew on my night out. Which also did not end in me feeling hungover the next morning, I mean I am a parent I don't have time to be hungover and I definitely don't like the feeling.

On the 4th of July, I did not allow my 3 year old to stay up until almost 10:30 pm so he could watch the fireworks. That is just way past his bed time and he is on a schedule of not going to bed past 8 pm, especially when we had such a busy day at 4th of July festivities and such a little nap. I was not super excited when I looked at the clock and it said 8 am and we were just waking up the next morning (we are up at by 6 am every morning so why do I want to have a day out of routine?).

I did not laugh hysterically when Camdon poured a bucket of cold water on his grandma who was sitting in the pool. I also did not take pictures of him pouring the water on grandma's head and a close up of her face....who would do such a thing!?


I did not have another great weekend with my little man. What could have been a better way to spend another weekend than exploring with my pride and joy!

God Bless America, My Home Sweet Home...

I love the summer for the most part. Living in New England you learn that from November until April you are pretty much living in doors with all the snow and freezing weather, so you do as much as you can during the spring summer months. I try to keep us busy doing things out doors and exploring around outside so we can keep the indoor activities for those months we are locked in.

Around here lately that doesn't seem to be the case. For almost a month straight we have had rain every day. If it isn't raining Camdon and I try to get out, but everything is drenched that it doesn't make for a fun time and we just head back in. Staying in all the time is starting to wear on everyone. Looking at the same four walls and playing with the same toys day after day after day after day gets old REAL QUICK! My patience was running very low and Camdon's attitude was being fully affected by the weather (those 2 together don't mix very well).

Friday I took Camdon to the park in the morning and brought a towel along "just in case". I had to wipe down so much that the towel was dripping. I even had to go down the big slide on a towel to soak up the water on it. Typically when we go to the park I am forcing Camdon to leave after an extended period of time, but this time he was ready to leave about 15 minutes after getting there. Not so much fun! Friday night I finally was able to get out of the house for a bit by myself and it was much needed.

Saturday was July 4th and it was sunny (for the most part). My goal was to stay outside as long as possible since we have been couped up for so VERY long. Camdon and I kicked off the nice holiday weekend by going to the 4th of July Kids Day at Holman Stadium. It was honestly a little boring, but we met up with the Jen, babysitter, and her family so it wasn't too bad.

Camdon and Madison waiting in line for Madison's tattoo.

Camdon in one of the bounce houses.

Trying to win the prize by getting the ball in the hoop.

We then went to a BBQ at one of the guys I work with. He and his fiance were so nice to invite us to spend the day with them and their families. We had a blast eating and talking and just spending some relaxing time together. Camdon was in love because Alan has 2 dogs and he got to play with them for the whole time we were there.

We drove back home and met up with some friends to go to the fireworks Fire Trucks as Camdon calls them. Camdon hadn't been to fireworks since he was a little over 1 month old so this was pretty big. He got to spend the time outside with his friend K, stay up WAY PAST his bed time and see the amazing colors in the sky while momma held him close. Gosh what a great way to spend the night!

Today we started the day with some yard work (lawn mowing and weed pulling). It was a little warm once you were out there working so I filled up Camdon's pool in order for it to warm up hopefully. It was a little windy out, but the sun definitely kept us toasty. After I was done mowing I put on Camdon's swim suit so that he and my Grandma could sit in the pool while I just put my feet in there. The water was cold and Camdon was splashing and dumping water on Grandma, which was rather hysterical since she was screaming. It was rather entertaining.

The 2 "kids" playing nicely at first.....
On of the many cold buckets full of water dumped on Grandma....

I am thinking Grandma didn't like this.....but Camdon and I found it pretty funny.

I hope that everyone out there had a fun and safe 4th of July!

Aloha Friday

Welcome to this week’s edition of Aloha Friday.

In Hawaii, Aloha Friday is the day that Hawaiians take it easy and look forward to the weekend. So I thought that on Fridays I would take it easy on posting, too.

Therefore, I’ll focus on what we have planned for the weekend and end by asking a simple question for you to answer. Nothing that requires a lengthy response.

This weekend, Camdon and I are pretty busy again (which is how I like it lately) with 4th of July celebration's.

Tonight my mom is going to watch Camdon so that I can have a much needed break all to myself. I think I am going to go to the beach for the night and just sit there and think, go to the arcade and play some games and then drive back.

Tomorrow is the 4th of July

We are going to Holman Stadium to attend the 4th of July celebration's there for kids @ 10 am, weather depending. The babysitter and her family along are planning on going so we will probably hang out with them.

We have a 1st bday party to go to at 12 (during Cam's nap so I am not sure we will make it as this boy needs his naps).

We then have a cookout to attend at 2 pm, this one should be fun so I am super excited.

Sunday, July 5th

We have 2 cookouts to attend, both are at 2 pm. One is for a bday party and the other is a 4th of July party.

So now my question......

How do you and your family celebrate the 4th of July?

Camdon and I usually go to a few cookouts and celebrate with family and friends.

If you’d like to participate, just post your own question on your blog and leave your response below. Don’t forget to visit the other participants! It’s a great way to make new bloggy friends!

Starting him off young

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Camdon wanted to type something so I let him....I was trying to get him to type his name for everyone but he kept hitting some of the letters multiple times.

Thousand Words Thursday

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Every Thursday I am going to post a picture that is powerful, that expresses emotion, and speaks volumes to me. Here's one that is worth a thousand words.

Wordless Wednesday

Camdon's "teacher" rocks. Miss Jen is not only Camdon's daycare provider so I can work, but she is also one of my close friends. During the day the kids like to do photoshoots and she sends the pictures to the other mom (another close friend) and myself. I think she knows when we need to smile because this was sent the other day when I needed something to "pick me up".

Wednesday's Walk

Since I posted a Wednesday's Walk last week by showing pictures of Camdon's first year, I figured I would go back a little bit further and talk about the day I found out I was pregnant....Oh what a day that was.
I just wasn't feeling very well, tired all the time and just not myself. I will admit at this point in my life, I was living a lifestyle completely different then what I am use to. I was out partying every night. When I say every night I mean get out of work by 5, go home change (sometimes I would just go out in what I wore to work), grab Sleeping Beauty (if he didn't take my car and pick me up already), and hit the first bar of many. We would usually start at a restaurant so we could get some dinner and a few drinks and then move on from there to either the billiards or back home to drink or to another bar or where ever. So when I was tired all the time and my stomach was upset in the morning, I just figured I was hungover and it would go away before the work day ended (which it did so I thought nothing of it). Well as time passed, Aunt Flow never came to visit for the week. I figured it was stress, because being in a relationship with Sleeping Beauty was stressful to say the least, and figured it would come the next day. The next day came and it went. The next day came AND it went. The next day came AND IT went. I went to the store and bought a test, figured just to ease my mind I might as well take a test to see it come out negative.
The next morning when I got up, I took the box in the bathroom opened it up and pee'd on the stick. I jumped in the shower while it was "thinking" and when I got out, there was only 1 line on the stick.....YES it is negative, PHEW!!! So I just went on with my day and you guessed it....MY NIGHT came and we were out partying. I mean I was allowed to party it up since the test came back negative...I had no worries, right? Aunt Flow is going to be here any day now...I just know it. Damn aunt flow didn't show up the next day, and she sure as heck didn't call to say she would be running late either. I just kept on waiting for her, since she was usually on schedule except for a few months. So I went to the pharmacy up the street from my house and purchased 2 more tests.
The next morning I got up, took the box in the bathroom opened it up and pee"d on the stick. Very groundhog day, huh? So you guessed it, I jumped in the shower while it was "thinking" and when I got out the stick had......1 line on it. Okay so 2 tests are now negative so I am definitely not pregnant.....Right? I continued living my life as it was. If I wasn't partying with Sleeping Beauty I was fighting with him and going crazy.

3 weeks later and Aunt Flow hasn't called or written to say she was not showing up this month. I took yet another test....it came back YET AGAIN NEGATIVE! What the heck is going on with me? Am I really that stressed out that I am throwing everything out of the loop? Well my yearly physical was coincidentally during the 3rd week. I went to the appointment and when asked when my last period was, I had to reply with "Well Cindy that is the problem, I haven't gotten 1 in a long time". Now Cindy, the nurse, is so amazing and easy to talk to. She had me go into the bathroom and pee in a cup, she then went behind the wall and came back out within seconds. She was the one that had to announce to me that my life was going to change in every possible way I knew it to be. Cindy is the one that had to tell me that I was "indeed" pregnant.

OMG! What am I going to do? How am I going to tell everyone? What am I going to tell everyone? How am I going to do this? Can I do this? I am not ready for this? OMG! OMG! OMG! They put me in a room so I could talk to the doctor since I wasn't going to be having my yearly physical anymore. The doctor came in and went over the different options I had. Options? I have options?

Talking to her and answering some questions they were able to tell me that my due date would be 6/6/06 and I was 10 weeks pregnant. Now I have to tell you that finding out at 10 weeks, you really have a very short window of time to make any decisions to your future. You are given 2 weeks to decide in which way you are moving with this. If you are to keep this child there is really nothing to think about except making the appointments. If you are to "terminate" this you need to make this very serious decision in less than a 2 week period of time. Adoption.....that is another choice and is in the very short period of time as well.

Leaving the office I was stunned. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know where to go. Life was a blur to me and I couldn't get out of it. I couldn't' get out of my own way at this point.

I called Sleeping Beauty, who was aware of my 3 attempts to find this out on my own, to find out where he was. He was being such a A$$H@!E, excuse my language. He wouldn't tell me where he was, what time he was coming home, NOTHING. I had to tell him while I was on the phone that I was indeed pregnant and would be at his place when he got out of work. When he arrived home it felt like an ice storm just came thru on a warm fall day....IT WAS COLD! We talked about it. We talked about where we were headed as a couple, we talked about our futures. He opted to tell me he wanted me to terminate this and that was where he stood. I couldn't do that. I have always believed that if I laid in the bed I need to deal with the "consequences". I got myself in this situation and I now need to grow up. I debated and debated and debated. I even made an appt to terminate. I couldn't go thru with it and made the decision (which is what I had said all along) that I was going to have a baby and be a momma.

Okay that is it for now......I have only 1 more thing to say:

I would never go back and change my decision. I never regret the choice I made. I may not have it easy, I may not have the "perfect family", I may not be where I should be in life....BUT I do have the most amazing son I could have ever asked for. I have a true blessing in my life who has taught me more in his 3 years of being on this earth than I learned in my 27 years without him in my life.

I love my son and nothing will ever change that!!!