Goodness Gracious

It has been quite some time since I was last on here releasing my thoughts and man do I need to spend a good week getting everything out that is going on in my life right now but will hold back on a few things.

So my life seems to have been on a rollercoaster in the past few weeks and there doesn't seem to be an end to the ride anytime soon. I have had a tough couple of months at work with the layoffs we went thru to the resignation of my amazing boss and now many more changes are in sight. I honestly am scared at this point of what my future at my job holds, but only time will tell what happens and it will all be for a reason.

I don't talk too much about my sons father, because there really isn't much to say that is positive. I have had no contact with M for over a year and M has had no contact with little man for almost 2 years (all by his choice). All of a sudden I now have 3 messages between my home phone and work phone from M and all in the same day.....St. Patricks Day. A day that many, not only Irish folk, celebrate to the full extent and M is one of those people. Who knows if this was all done due to being inebriated or if it was out of the goodness of his heart, either way I am all set having my son be in an environment that contains lies, drugs, alcohol, anger and hatred.

Once I heard his voice on not only the house machine but my work machine my anxiety level jumped about 1000 times and I lost it. I just started thinking about the possibility of my child being hurt like I was, told lies, broken promises and in just an unheatly environment. My heart broke just thinking about the life that my son may have to face unwillingly. After many days of my mind not stopping, talking it thru with a variety of people and thinking about the circumstances I have decided to just go on with my life as normal and stay as honest as I have been with little man all along. I am confident in my decision and I understand that not everyone is going to understand or agree with the one(s) I have had to make.

Forward along a few days and another message appears on my house phone.....this time at 11:30 pm. M had called to let me know that his aunt J had a 5% chance of survival and was probably not going to make it the night. Immediate reaction was OH F#($ ME! The timing of anything like this happening couldn't be any worse and I just don't want any communication what so ever with this family (except Aunt J and Grammie) and Aunt J isn't going to make it. What do I do? How do I handle this? I don't want to ignore the situation and be the bad person. I don't want to associate with him or his family and deal with the heartache and grief I got away from. UGH!!! I picked up the phone and called M and luckily was able to leave a message on his voice mail saying I appreciate the phone call and I am sorry for what is going on, to please keep me updated some how. Now I start kicking myself for calling, but I did what I thought was right at the time. I eventually got a call at work later on that morning and he had no additional information....figures. I kept it strictly to Aunt J and got off the phone rather quickly so the conversation couldn't venture to other areas. I have since decided that it wouldn't be fair to myself to attend the services and that I will contact Grammie and extend my condolensces that way.

I haven't had much of an update on Aunt J and I also haven't called Grammie to see what was going on. I just don't know what to say to Grammie when I call. I don't know how to handle this.

Screaming at the top of my lungs

I just have this urge to stand on the top of the tallest mountain and scream as loud as I can.....will that help get all of this out? Will that make me feel better? I am so burnt out lately. I have had such a nasty start to the year and I swear every week just throws more of a curve ball at me. I am tired. I am stressed. I am so unhappy. I am not liking myself right now.

In 2 months at work I have gone thru layoffs, loosing some long time coworkers (who after a while become family members or amazing friends), moving floors at work, gaining more responsibilities (some a making me feel like I am way over my head), and most recently having my amazing boss of 5 years resign (I am devastated). I am a mess, have no motivation to work while I am at the office and can see it taking over my personal life as well.

I feel like I haven't talked to anyone in forever. I haven't been blogging lately (not like I did it routinely to begin with) and I just don't feel like talking to people. I want to sleep all the time, but when it is time to sleep I can't.

Why do I have such a hard time trusting people? Why do I also allow my wall to come down so quickly and set myself up for failure? Time after time I for some reason put myself out there to get hurt, I just don't get why I do this knowing the outcome in the end.

Maybe I need to start being more selfish and cold just so I don't keep getting hurt letting people in my life. I just don't want to be an old miserable lonely person when I get older. I enjoy the company of others, I enjoy the variety of conversations I have with all the people in my life and I love meeting and getting to know new people. There are just so many positive reasons to not become cold and selfish, but the fact that I keep getting hurt is what doesn't help matters either.


My mind is constantly running right now and I just can't stand when this happens. There is nothing I can do to help it stop or even just slow down. I figured writting would help ease it a little and maybe jotting things down will be a relief. I think the worse part of being upset is that my child suffers. I don't give him my full attention and I am not happy so he senses that and it in turn makes his little innocent life not as happy as he should be.

"Any fool can criticize, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving."

What is self control? How do you learn self control? If I have character and self control will I be able to understand why people do things and forgive them? Will I be able to understand why I do things and forgive myself?



Why do I seem to sabotage any close relationship? I feel like I am always messing things up when they are going good. Why do I become scared and get in my defensive mood?