Just don't understand why

*****caution serious topic of conversation*****

I don't understand Suicide. I really just don't understand it. I know that people aren't thinking in a rational state of mind when contemplating this serious decision. I know that they aren't thinking about what others are feeling because they are too caught up in what they are feeling. I just don't understand how the thought of suicide even pops into someones head.

I recently had a friend, that I have known since elementary school, commit suicide and tonight was his wake/service. Saying goodbye to someone who was an amazing person so soon in life was hard. I may not have been close to him over the years, however it doesn't make him any less important. He now leaves behind a mother, father, brother, sister, 2 children and other family members who have to come to terms with why this happened. Was there something they could have done? Signs they missed showing he was going to do this? 2 sons who are going to grow up without a dad now. A best friend who will never get the image of that morning out of his head. Friends who will never get to laugh one last time.

I have had times of being really really down, where nothing seems like it is going to get better and they are just going to get worse. I have had my periods where I don't want to get out of bed, don't want to talk to ANYONE, don't want to eat, sleep or be awake. However, my son is what keeps me going each day. His love and life is worth way too much for me to give up on anything and take my own life. I can't imagine what his life would be like if I were to ever take my own life. What challenges would he face as he got older, dealing with the fact that I took my own life. I just can't imagine.

I know that no one will ever know why Doyle, or anyone, would take their own life. I know that the only person who will ever understand is the person who took their life. For what ever reason it happened, it did happen and there is no changing that. We can only hold the person in our thoughts and keep the memories alive by never forgetting them.

Doyle, where ever you are. I hope that you are no longer hurting and are at peace. I hope that you will continue to watch over your family and protect those 2 boys from up above. I hope that you have found Matt and the 2 of you are keeping each other company. You will be missed and never forgotten. You were one amazing person with the heart of gold and the ability to make everyone laugh.

RIP Doyle

Goodness Gracious

It has been quite some time since I was last on here releasing my thoughts and man do I need to spend a good week getting everything out that is going on in my life right now but will hold back on a few things.

So my life seems to have been on a rollercoaster in the past few weeks and there doesn't seem to be an end to the ride anytime soon. I have had a tough couple of months at work with the layoffs we went thru to the resignation of my amazing boss and now many more changes are in sight. I honestly am scared at this point of what my future at my job holds, but only time will tell what happens and it will all be for a reason.

I don't talk too much about my sons father, because there really isn't much to say that is positive. I have had no contact with M for over a year and M has had no contact with little man for almost 2 years (all by his choice). All of a sudden I now have 3 messages between my home phone and work phone from M and all in the same day.....St. Patricks Day. A day that many, not only Irish folk, celebrate to the full extent and M is one of those people. Who knows if this was all done due to being inebriated or if it was out of the goodness of his heart, either way I am all set having my son be in an environment that contains lies, drugs, alcohol, anger and hatred.

Once I heard his voice on not only the house machine but my work machine my anxiety level jumped about 1000 times and I lost it. I just started thinking about the possibility of my child being hurt like I was, told lies, broken promises and in just an unheatly environment. My heart broke just thinking about the life that my son may have to face unwillingly. After many days of my mind not stopping, talking it thru with a variety of people and thinking about the circumstances I have decided to just go on with my life as normal and stay as honest as I have been with little man all along. I am confident in my decision and I understand that not everyone is going to understand or agree with the one(s) I have had to make.

Forward along a few days and another message appears on my house phone.....this time at 11:30 pm. M had called to let me know that his aunt J had a 5% chance of survival and was probably not going to make it the night. Immediate reaction was OH F#($ ME! The timing of anything like this happening couldn't be any worse and I just don't want any communication what so ever with this family (except Aunt J and Grammie) and Aunt J isn't going to make it. What do I do? How do I handle this? I don't want to ignore the situation and be the bad person. I don't want to associate with him or his family and deal with the heartache and grief I got away from. UGH!!! I picked up the phone and called M and luckily was able to leave a message on his voice mail saying I appreciate the phone call and I am sorry for what is going on, to please keep me updated some how. Now I start kicking myself for calling, but I did what I thought was right at the time. I eventually got a call at work later on that morning and he had no additional information....figures. I kept it strictly to Aunt J and got off the phone rather quickly so the conversation couldn't venture to other areas. I have since decided that it wouldn't be fair to myself to attend the services and that I will contact Grammie and extend my condolensces that way.

I haven't had much of an update on Aunt J and I also haven't called Grammie to see what was going on. I just don't know what to say to Grammie when I call. I don't know how to handle this.

Screaming at the top of my lungs

I just have this urge to stand on the top of the tallest mountain and scream as loud as I can.....will that help get all of this out? Will that make me feel better? I am so burnt out lately. I have had such a nasty start to the year and I swear every week just throws more of a curve ball at me. I am tired. I am stressed. I am so unhappy. I am not liking myself right now.

In 2 months at work I have gone thru layoffs, loosing some long time coworkers (who after a while become family members or amazing friends), moving floors at work, gaining more responsibilities (some a making me feel like I am way over my head), and most recently having my amazing boss of 5 years resign (I am devastated). I am a mess, have no motivation to work while I am at the office and can see it taking over my personal life as well.

I feel like I haven't talked to anyone in forever. I haven't been blogging lately (not like I did it routinely to begin with) and I just don't feel like talking to people. I want to sleep all the time, but when it is time to sleep I can't.

Why do I have such a hard time trusting people? Why do I also allow my wall to come down so quickly and set myself up for failure? Time after time I for some reason put myself out there to get hurt, I just don't get why I do this knowing the outcome in the end.

Maybe I need to start being more selfish and cold just so I don't keep getting hurt letting people in my life. I just don't want to be an old miserable lonely person when I get older. I enjoy the company of others, I enjoy the variety of conversations I have with all the people in my life and I love meeting and getting to know new people. There are just so many positive reasons to not become cold and selfish, but the fact that I keep getting hurt is what doesn't help matters either.


My mind is constantly running right now and I just can't stand when this happens. There is nothing I can do to help it stop or even just slow down. I figured writting would help ease it a little and maybe jotting things down will be a relief. I think the worse part of being upset is that my child suffers. I don't give him my full attention and I am not happy so he senses that and it in turn makes his little innocent life not as happy as he should be.

"Any fool can criticize, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving."

What is self control? How do you learn self control? If I have character and self control will I be able to understand why people do things and forgive them? Will I be able to understand why I do things and forgive myself?



Why do I seem to sabotage any close relationship? I feel like I am always messing things up when they are going good. Why do I become scared and get in my defensive mood?

New Year, New Me!

I am welcoming 2010 with Big HUGE wide open arms!

I am super excited that 2009 has ended and that a new year has begun. I gained a lot in 2009 and am very thankful for such an educational year, however 2010 is a new clean crisp year where I can take what I learned and grow more.

I am not the type of person who makes resolutions and doesn't follow thru on them...I just don't typically make resolutions so I don't fail. This year however, I have a few resolutions and am going to try my hardest to stick with them. Sticking with them is going to only better the future for myself and my son.

Shakira's song "Give it Up to Me" is my new favorite song. With the following lyrics, I am going to sing/listen to this every time I need to be reminded....

I want the best and the best things in life are free

You can have it all

Anything you want you can make it yours

Anything you want in the world

Anything you want in the world

Give it up to me

Nothing too big or small

Anything you want you can make it yours

Anything you want in the world

Anything you want in the world

Give it up to me

What you get is exactly what you give

Never really know until you try

We're so ahead of this

Got this she wolf appetite that keeps me up all night

You know the way it works don't be afraid to ask

Aim high when the target is low

FYI I am ready to go

They say that to be effective at your new years resolutions you need to take them in baby steps (i.e. walk 5 minutes each day and work up from there) and not set the goal too high. They also say writting them down helps people keep them as you are committed at that point to do it. So for 2010 my resolutions are:

• Focus on me (this may sound selfish, but if I am not happy with myself than my life with others won't be a happy one)
• Eat better (bring breakfast and lunch to work, eat healthier dinners and drink more water)
• Excercise weekly (Atleast 4 times a week for atleast 30 minutes a day to start and build up from there)
• Become better with finances (I need to focus more on my future and less on the non necessities in life. With this I will bring breakfast and lunch to work, stop shopping aimlessly and have a strict budget to follow. I need to do this for my future.)

All of these resolutions are crucial to my future and my happiness. I have forgotten about myself for so long and am just not comfortable with how I look and where I am in life. Following thru on my 4 resolutions will help me feel better in my own skin, make my future a better place and make my life a happier place to be in. I am truly motivated to do these steps and to keep up with them. I am motivated to make my life (and my sons) a better place and my (our) future an even better place.