I just have this urge to stand on the top of the tallest mountain and scream as loud as I can.....will that help get all of this out? Will that make me feel better? I am so burnt out lately. I have had such a nasty start to the year and I swear every week just throws more of a curve ball at me. I am tired. I am stressed. I am so unhappy. I am not liking myself right now.
In 2 months at work I have gone thru layoffs, loosing some long time coworkers (who after a while become family members or amazing friends), moving floors at work, gaining more responsibilities (some a making me feel like I am way over my head), and most recently having my amazing boss of 5 years resign (I am devastated). I am a mess, have no motivation to work while I am at the office and can see it taking over my personal life as well.
I feel like I haven't talked to anyone in forever. I haven't been blogging lately (not like I did it routinely to begin with) and I just don't feel like talking to people. I want to sleep all the time, but when it is time to sleep I can't.
Why do I have such a hard time trusting people? Why do I also allow my wall to come down so quickly and set myself up for failure? Time after time I for some reason put myself out there to get hurt, I just don't get why I do this knowing the outcome in the end.
Maybe I need to start being more selfish and cold just so I don't keep getting hurt letting people in my life. I just don't want to be an old miserable lonely person when I get older. I enjoy the company of others, I enjoy the variety of conversations I have with all the people in my life and I love meeting and getting to know new people. There are just so many positive reasons to not become cold and selfish, but the fact that I keep getting hurt is what doesn't help matters either.
My mind is constantly running right now and I just can't stand when this happens. There is nothing I can do to help it stop or even just slow down. I figured writting would help ease it a little and maybe jotting things down will be a relief. I think the worse part of being upset is that my child suffers. I don't give him my full attention and I am not happy so he senses that and it in turn makes his little innocent life not as happy as he should be.
"Any fool can criticize, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving."
What is self control? How do you learn self control? If I have character and self control will I be able to understand why people do things and forgive them? Will I be able to understand why I do things and forgive myself?
Why do I seem to sabotage any close relationship? I feel like I am always messing things up when they are going good. Why do I become scared and get in my defensive mood?
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