Wednesday's Walk

Since I posted a Wednesday's Walk last week by showing pictures of Camdon's first year, I figured I would go back a little bit further and talk about the day I found out I was pregnant....Oh what a day that was.
I just wasn't feeling very well, tired all the time and just not myself. I will admit at this point in my life, I was living a lifestyle completely different then what I am use to. I was out partying every night. When I say every night I mean get out of work by 5, go home change (sometimes I would just go out in what I wore to work), grab Sleeping Beauty (if he didn't take my car and pick me up already), and hit the first bar of many. We would usually start at a restaurant so we could get some dinner and a few drinks and then move on from there to either the billiards or back home to drink or to another bar or where ever. So when I was tired all the time and my stomach was upset in the morning, I just figured I was hungover and it would go away before the work day ended (which it did so I thought nothing of it). Well as time passed, Aunt Flow never came to visit for the week. I figured it was stress, because being in a relationship with Sleeping Beauty was stressful to say the least, and figured it would come the next day. The next day came and it went. The next day came AND it went. The next day came AND IT went. I went to the store and bought a test, figured just to ease my mind I might as well take a test to see it come out negative.
The next morning when I got up, I took the box in the bathroom opened it up and pee'd on the stick. I jumped in the shower while it was "thinking" and when I got out, there was only 1 line on the stick.....YES it is negative, PHEW!!! So I just went on with my day and you guessed it....MY NIGHT came and we were out partying. I mean I was allowed to party it up since the test came back negative...I had no worries, right? Aunt Flow is going to be here any day now...I just know it. Damn aunt flow didn't show up the next day, and she sure as heck didn't call to say she would be running late either. I just kept on waiting for her, since she was usually on schedule except for a few months. So I went to the pharmacy up the street from my house and purchased 2 more tests.
The next morning I got up, took the box in the bathroom opened it up and pee"d on the stick. Very groundhog day, huh? So you guessed it, I jumped in the shower while it was "thinking" and when I got out the stick had......1 line on it. Okay so 2 tests are now negative so I am definitely not pregnant.....Right? I continued living my life as it was. If I wasn't partying with Sleeping Beauty I was fighting with him and going crazy.

3 weeks later and Aunt Flow hasn't called or written to say she was not showing up this month. I took yet another test....it came back YET AGAIN NEGATIVE! What the heck is going on with me? Am I really that stressed out that I am throwing everything out of the loop? Well my yearly physical was coincidentally during the 3rd week. I went to the appointment and when asked when my last period was, I had to reply with "Well Cindy that is the problem, I haven't gotten 1 in a long time". Now Cindy, the nurse, is so amazing and easy to talk to. She had me go into the bathroom and pee in a cup, she then went behind the wall and came back out within seconds. She was the one that had to announce to me that my life was going to change in every possible way I knew it to be. Cindy is the one that had to tell me that I was "indeed" pregnant.

OMG! What am I going to do? How am I going to tell everyone? What am I going to tell everyone? How am I going to do this? Can I do this? I am not ready for this? OMG! OMG! OMG! They put me in a room so I could talk to the doctor since I wasn't going to be having my yearly physical anymore. The doctor came in and went over the different options I had. Options? I have options?

Talking to her and answering some questions they were able to tell me that my due date would be 6/6/06 and I was 10 weeks pregnant. Now I have to tell you that finding out at 10 weeks, you really have a very short window of time to make any decisions to your future. You are given 2 weeks to decide in which way you are moving with this. If you are to keep this child there is really nothing to think about except making the appointments. If you are to "terminate" this you need to make this very serious decision in less than a 2 week period of time. Adoption.....that is another choice and is in the very short period of time as well.

Leaving the office I was stunned. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know where to go. Life was a blur to me and I couldn't get out of it. I couldn't' get out of my own way at this point.

I called Sleeping Beauty, who was aware of my 3 attempts to find this out on my own, to find out where he was. He was being such a A$$H@!E, excuse my language. He wouldn't tell me where he was, what time he was coming home, NOTHING. I had to tell him while I was on the phone that I was indeed pregnant and would be at his place when he got out of work. When he arrived home it felt like an ice storm just came thru on a warm fall day....IT WAS COLD! We talked about it. We talked about where we were headed as a couple, we talked about our futures. He opted to tell me he wanted me to terminate this and that was where he stood. I couldn't do that. I have always believed that if I laid in the bed I need to deal with the "consequences". I got myself in this situation and I now need to grow up. I debated and debated and debated. I even made an appt to terminate. I couldn't go thru with it and made the decision (which is what I had said all along) that I was going to have a baby and be a momma.

Okay that is it for now......I have only 1 more thing to say:

I would never go back and change my decision. I never regret the choice I made. I may not have it easy, I may not have the "perfect family", I may not be where I should be in life....BUT I do have the most amazing son I could have ever asked for. I have a true blessing in my life who has taught me more in his 3 years of being on this earth than I learned in my 27 years without him in my life.

I love my son and nothing will ever change that!!!